Mocha Monologues

Planning Your Family with Future Vision

2011-04-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

It's been striking to hear two women in the last 8 days tell me that they would have more children, but their husbands "are done." To be quite honest, this is a very confusing statement to me. Both families have 2 young children, and one family has a much older child from the husband's first marriage. Both seem from the outside to be financially sound enough to support another child, or even two more children. Both are Christian families who most likely understand the eternal impact of having another child. Personally, I've gone through a metamorphosis, of sorts, when it comes to family size. I was never, ever going to have children. I never dreamed, as young person, of having babies and cooing over them, buying them cute clothes and doing the whole "mom" thing. I was so determined in my career path that it would not have been convenient, nor wanted. However, as I grew into my late 20's, and married a man worth having children with, my heart softened (and my biological clock started ticking), and I very, very much wanted children. Then, to add to the desire, I started working for an organization where Natural Family Planning was taught, mostly from a Catholic perspective, which I studied closely. I was introduced to families that have 5, 9, even 10 children. Families of this size are rarely heard of in our times, and because of that, these parents often are asked very rude questions and fathers are accused of being sex addicts (really, think about it...if they have 10 children, there's really not much time for sex. Honestly.). But as I learned the beauty of natural family planning and the constant dialogue about family size that is necessary, due to the uncontracepted nature of the marital relationship, I began to realize that many children isn't a burden, but a legacy. A blessing. To be quite frank, raising the two children I have right now takes more physical and emotional strenth than I possess most days. For quite some time, I was certain that I was NOT cut out for motherhood, but even so, I look at my family with 20-30-40 vision. What is this vision, you ask? In 20 years, I will have an almost-23-year old son and an almost 21-year-old son, and, God-willing another one or two, and they will be coming home from college or from jobs and they will be getting married and I want to have a full house at Christmastime. I want to have a full dinnertable, football games in the backyard, and so many people sleeping at our house for Spring break that they have to camp out on the floor of the basement. I do want more children. Sure, there's a small part of me that thinks it would be nice to be done with pregnancy and childbirth now that I have my token two children. But that would only be for the sake of convenience. And it would not be the way I want things to be in 30 years when my boys are married and having babies. And it would not be the way I want things to be in 40 years when I'm attending my grandbabies baseball games, band concerts, and high school graduations. That's 20-30-40 vision. One last component: Who plans our family sizes? Do we? Or do we allow the God who told Abraham he would have descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and the sands on the seashore? Abraham was the father of nations. He listened to God and was blessed. Granted, I don't think God wants every family to have 10 children. But I wonder what would happen if we did allow him to speak into the planning component of our families. I wonder how lives would be changed; how people would be blessed in ways they wouldn't have been otherwise. Souls would exist who wouldn't have. That's a powerful statement. This is serious business. Souls. Eternity. Legacy. I don't think we realize the powerful potential we really do hold within our bodies and within our marriages.

Ripe

2010-06-13T09:35:00.001-07:00

The last 7 days have been some of the most interesting, boring, and strange of my life. Last Monday I worked for 12 1/2 hours. By the time I got home around 9:30pm, I had started contracting (I was 39 weeks pregnant, precisely). It was fairly intense, but not terribly painful. Got in the bathtub. Tried to go to bed. Called the birthing unit to let them know what was going on, because at that point, we knew the baby to be breech, and with an impending scheduled c-section, we also knew that they didn't want me to get far into labor.

By midnight I felt like I was contracting more than I wasn't, so we packed up our stuff and headed for the hospital. They monitored the baby and the contractions, checked me for dilation, and decided they'd probably do the c-section that night, as they said I was contracting quite a bit.

By 2:00am, the OB came in to check the position of the baby by ultrasound, and immediately pronounced that it was head down! Our prayers had been answered! The baby flipped at the last minute! Amazing. I cried. I couldn't believe it. So, we went home and went to bed.

I stayed home from work on Tuesday with contractions pretty regular at 20 minutes apart. By evening they spaced out even further and I woke up on Wednesday morning with none.

Wednesday and Thursday were really boring. Very few contractions, and my emotional state was starting to deteriorate. Had a doctor's appointment Wednesday morning and he said he thought I had a 70% chance of going into labor on my own before my due date the next Monday. I thought that sounded good, and figured things would start ramping up any hour.

Friday came and I found myself having more contractions, and got hopeful again. Saturday came, same story: more contractions, mostly gone by bedtime. Now it's Sunday, and I'm simply planning on going to the hospital in the morning to have my doctor break the water. I just pray that things don't go wacky like they did last time.

This week has brought out a major issue in my life: friends. All my life I've had at least one best friend, and several close friends. Since my family is so small, there wasn't any emphasis on a closeness there; we never saw them that often, either. So, my friends have always been like my family. I've never had trouble making good friends wherever I've gone in life - the very first day of graduate school, I met my best friend, Kris, and we've continued to be close even though I moved away from the Twin Cities almost 5 years ago. One of my dearest friends lives in North Carolina, and we met when we were in elementary school. We're kindred spirits, like that nebulous "soul mate" that people always seem to be searching for, except of the friend variety, not the spousal variety.

Anyway, I've lived in the Fargo-Moorhead area now for almost 5 years (can't believe that) and while I've met some great people, and have some friends that I enjoy very much, I haven't found anyone that I feel I can just call up on a whim to chat about my day, or to talk to when I'm completely overwhelmed with life or my husband; someone who understands and listens and doesn't offer unsolicited advice. Now that we're in a smaller, more rural community, this issue in my life is much more exaggerated, as the women here seem to be even more unlike myself than any other place I've been in the last 10 years. They're great women, and I like being around them, but no one calls just to chat, or invites me/us over for dessert, or wants to go shopping or out for coffee. Yes, I've done the inviting, and they've responded very positively, but I don't always want to be the one doing the initiating, especially since I have to do that every single day in my marriage. I would like a mutual friendship, with someone who has similar interests and taste. I know my North Carolina friend is going through the same thing right now, so at least I know I'm not the only one, but it does make for some weird loneliness.

It's also brought up the issue of being a mom. It was something I never planned on doing or being. And while I love my son and my soon-to-be-born baby, I still want to be able to be me. I want to be able to leave the kids for an afternoon and 1) not feel guilty and 2) not feel pressured that I have to return at some certain time. I think I mourn my childless days to some extent. Finding balance in life is not always an easy thing to do.

At this point, I think I need ice cream.

Baby, baby, baby

2010-05-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

I received some interesting news yesterday. We had to have an ultrasound to check the size of our baby, because I've been measuring quite big lately. Well, I was fairly worked up about the possibility of my doctor wanting to induce me, due to a big baby, but now I have something completely different to be worked up about: dear little baby is breech. Ugh.

I seriously never even considered that this could happen. Everything with my first pregnancy was so normal that I figured this would be, too. So, we have a new task upon our hands: turn this baby...and soon!

Our doula came with us to the ultrasound, and boy was I glad. The only thing I could think was, "I'm going to have to have a c-section, and we've just spent hundreds of dollars on the Bradley Birthing class and the doula, in order for me to have an unmedicated birth." Granted, I feel SO much more educated and empowered about pregnancy and birth that it's still worth it, even if I end up with a c-section, it's just a bummer.

So our doula immediately suggested I get in to see a chiropractor who does the Webster Technique - something used to help breech babies to flip. It's quite successful, from what I'm learning. By helping the uterine ligaments to relax, many times the baby will have just enough extra room to make the flip, as an irritated, tight ligament can hold a baby in place and not allow it to move. I definitely had an irritated ligament yesterday.

I will also see an acupuncturist on Monday, and everyday next week, in addition to the chiropractor, until something happens, or until we know that it's not going to happen. I have my 37 week prenatal appt on Monday and will also discuss an external version, where the doctor tries to manually turn the baby, which I've heard can be pretty intense. It honestly freaks me out, but I need to learn more before I make a decision.

I have been trying to strategically position myself at home as well: kneeling on the couch, and lowering myself down until my head is as close to the floor as I can get it. Not comfy, and my arms are pretty wimpy, so I don't last long, but I'm going to keep doing it.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions regarding this whole ordeal. First I had to deal with the thought of being induced due to a big baby, but now the thought of a c-section makes induction seem like a day at the park. I shed a few tears last night, crying out to God that I don't want a c-section. This morning I broke down again, as I tend to be more pessimistic than optimistic. Chris was there to help me see there's no known reason why this baby won't flip, as we caught the issue just in time.

I don't want to have major abdominal surgery. I've heard some people say it's great, cause you don't have to go through labor, but I've heard more people say it's not great, which is what I'm inclined to believe.

I'm trying to do some self-examination re: what is it that God wants me to learn or change that he's allowing this to happen? Is there some reason behind this baby being breech?

I've asked the elders to pray over me tomorrow morning at church, and will ask at Spirit Soak tomorrow night. With God all things are possible. I KNOW he understands my heart on this issue.

Very Pregnant

2010-05-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

So, today, 10 months after my last post, I remembered that I have a blog, and decided to write in it. And yes, I'm very pregnant. In approximately 6 weeks, I will be giving birth to a new little human. I'm both anxious, excited, and terrified. As I watch my belly bounce around with the movements of Baby #2, I remember the, uh, interesting birth I had with Elijah, and continue to pray that things go completely differently this time. Different, as in, better. As in, no epidural, no spinal headache, no blood loss, no blood transfusions, no nursing problems, no dehydration...get the idea? It wasn't pretty. But I do have an adorable, sweet, amazing little boy now, so I'm very thankful for that. He's currently watching the Food Network right now, which I find both endearing, and troubling, as I really don't want him to be glued to the television. But, considering the FN is the best channel on the waves, I'll let it slide for now. :)

I don't have much energy today. Glad to be home, but also frustrated by the fact that instead of being home and enjoying myself, I have to think about the garage sale we're having this weekend, provided it doesn't rain, the 10 hours of work I need to complete at home this week, and find myself generally uncomfortable that my time is never mine, nor is it enough. I suppose this is something that I must get used to? Is that right? Jesus said that he came that we might have abundant life. I don't think I need to get used to this time deficit, I think I need to remember that God will give me enough time in each day for everything he gives me to do. That means I need to be more in tune with him, so that I'm not doing things that he doesn't give me to do. Hmmm....nice ponderings for a rainy Wednesday afternoon.

I was totally and completely just blessed by my friend Wanda who called and asked if she could bring Nichole's for lunch...OF COURSE!!! You can always bring Nichole's to my house for lunch - just in case anyone out there reads this and wonders... :) It definitely turned my day around - gave me a reason to get out of my pajamas, curl my hair, put makeup on, and be a normal person for the day! Got my mental health out of the toilet and back to normal, too. Thanks you Wanda!

Spent....

2009-07-29T09:12:00.001-07:00

Today I'm spent. My physical, emotional, and mental energy is vacant. I am feeling rather rebellious - I am not going to clean the house, I'm not going to work, I didn't even want to take a shower or dry my hair, but I did. I just want to lounge on the couch, shop on ebay, and watch the Foodnetwork. And maybe nap. And eat cookies. And maybe a Coke or a mocha. Hmmm....

Sexual Common Sense

2009-04-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

The following is taken from a series of lectures by Professor Janet E. Smith entitled, "Sexual Common Sense."

When people have sexual intercourse with each other, the body says something. What the body says is, “I want to give myself completely to you and to receive you as a gift.” That’s what the act of sexual intercourse means: I’m giving myself completely to you as a gift, and I want to receive you as a gift. It should be saying, “I will respect you as a person. I’m not engaging in this as an animal act; I’m engaging in this as an interpersonal act. As a person, that means I respect your needs, your dreams, your goals in this world. I don’t use you. I will deserve your trust.”

There’s a promise in this act. Those who have sexual intercourse with each other are saying, “I promise you that I will be here. This is the kind of act that can produce a baby. Any act that can produce a baby requires me to make a commitment that I am here for you and any children that we might conceive. I will not use or exploit you. I will delight in your otherness and of course, I am willing to be a parent with you. The act of sexual intercourse has its own language. You shake a hand; that means something. Sometimes you won’t shake a person’s hand – why won’t you shake a person’s hand? Cause you know it means something. If I shake your hand that means I at least have some respect for you, at least some openness to you. But if I disdain you or despise you, I’m going to have a darn hard time just shaking your hand….

When male and female use sex to mean something other than what it intrinsically, inherently, and naturally means…they are lying with their bodies. It used to be that after a night of lovemaking, the woman would say to the man, “I guess we’re in love.” He’d say, “Wha’dya mean?” She’d say, “Well, we gave ourselves to each other last night completely – we engaged in an act of lovemaking.” He’d say, “What are you talking about? That was kind of fun, but I’m outta here.” She feels betrayed, “I thought it meant something!” It does mean something, right? It objectively means something. If you don’t mean what it means, you lied to me. You lied to me with your body. This is an act of complete self-giving.

I Think I May Have Ceased to Exist

2009-04-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

Why?

1. I'm a pastor's wife.

2. I'm a mother.

I WANT MY BODY BACK, DAMMIT!!!!!!!

2009-03-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm really ticked off. My son is going to be 9 months old in one week, and I am no closer to fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes than I was in August. AUGUST!

Now, I accept full responsibility for the fact that I gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy. I, also, accept full responsibility that I chose for several months not to work on losing the weight.

The problem is that now I'm working on it, it just doesn't seem to be happening. I had this idea that pregnancy weight was "special" weight. Weight that would come off on its own after the baby was born.

WHAT CRAZY CRAP UNIVERSE WAS I LIVING IN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I am also bummed by the fact that I thought the baby weight would come off while nursing. Since that never happened for me, it "should" be a lost cause for me to even think about. But I still do, sometimes. It still makes me sad sometimes. It even makes me feel like less of a mother sometimes.

I just wish I could wear my old clothes.

I wish I could go out and buy new, fun, bright, springy clothes that are in the stores right now. But I won't let myself, because I am determined to not continue to be this size for very much longer.

Except, I'm really afraid that I'm never, ever going to lose this weight. I'm afraid that those clothes are just going to hang in my closet, until I admit final defeat, and take them all to the second hand store. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to buy new clothes again, that I'm never going to be able to feel good about my body again.

I keep thinking, "Soon....soon, I'll be able to get back into my old clothes." Except the months keep passing....

There's another issue: inside my closet lives more than one size of clothing. After we moved to Fargo in 2005, I put on a few pounds that necessitated going up a size. Then, about a year later, same thing.

The event prompting this ranting happened this morning. I had dropped a couple pounds last week, which made me very happy. However, since then I've gotten a little bug and haven't been eating a whole lot as my stomach isn't feeling up to par. So, when I got on the scale this morning, you can imagine my surprise when I was a full FIVE pounds heavier than I was just one week ago. Apparently this bug I acquired must be making me retain water, or something, because there simply is no other explanation. AND, I don't care if that is the explanation for the jump in weight, it still was very upsetting.

WAH.

Thus ends the rant.

Discontent

2009-02-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

In the recent moments of mental clarity I've been having, I've realized some things about myself. Things that I'm not particularly happy to have realized.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Not that we all haven't, but for the average Joe, I've made some doosies. At least that's how I see it. But the problem is that I've let those mistakes define me. That's what I don't like.

Failure.

Screw-up.

Can't do anything right.

....worthless....

Those are the things I've said to myself, rather unconsciously, for years. Like I'm paying a pennance that I've given myself: to walk around feeling lousy because I can't truly accept Christ's forgiveness. I'll let Him forgive me, but I really can't forgive myself.

What would it mean to forgive myself?

What would it mean to be free of these labels? Of the dark cloud over my head.

Of the red letters Loser tattooed on my forehead.

But it's become comfortable, in a messy, disgusting sort of way. Like an old pair of slippers that you love, but make your feet stink everytime you wear them.

I'm not good enough.

A coworker repeated a phrase in a staff meeting not long ago. It resonated in my being like a clanging gong:

You're not who you think you are.
You're not who others think you are.
You're who you think others think you are.

I make every decision in my life based on what I think others will think of what I do/say/write, etc. That doesn't seem like a very good policy.

Hmmm...

I think I need to re-write my policy.

Pie in the Sky

2009-01-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I was driving home after a scrumptious supper of fondue at Erin's house. My tummy full of cheese dipped jicama, mushrooms, and jalepeno cheddar bread, marinated pork and NY strip steak, and an incredible finish of coffee-infused-chocolate dipped marshmallows, homemade poundcake and chocolate apricot biscotti, I toodled my way thru the snow toward home. As I turned east on NP Avenue to cross the bridge into Moorhead, the very nearly full moon came into view. Something inside of me sighed a sigh of tired gratefulness.

In our increasingly messed up world, it is often hard to keep a smile on my face. I feel the heavy weight of a morally degenerate society coming across the horizon. But last night it was like God was giving me a little gift last night to take my mind off the world around me.

But as the buildings parted and gave way to a tree-lined street, the moon - a creamy, nearly perfect circle so satisfying - seemed pristine and perfect, lit my way home. I gazed at it until I feared I might drive off the road. It harkened a stressless, unencumbered feeling inside of me....took my mind off the cares of the world, and allowed me to breathe deeply for a moment. It was like a breath of clean, fresh, crisp air.

Oh the Wonder...

2008-12-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

This is my first Christmas being a mommy, and it's given me a whole new perspective on Christ's birth and life, and the incredible sacrifice that God made. God, as the Father, sent His ONLY Son to be born on earth as a human baby, to live, and to die, for all of us. His one and only Son. A baby, a child, is a precious gift. As a mother, I love my son in a way I didn't know I was capable of loving. I always heard mothers say things like that before, and I thought it was nice, but couldn't understand it for myself. It's one of those things you must experience, I think. To watch Jesus be born, grow up, and ultimately offer his life as an atoning sacrifice back to God for all OUR sins, is nearly unfathomable. The pain that God must have felt.... it must have been excruciating.
That makes what He did all that more special, and incredible. It makes Him worthy of our praise - could any of us have done what He did? The amazing things God does for us, and we tend to turn away from Him and rely on ourselves. I know I do. Forgive me, Father. My irreverence sickens me.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow; praise Him all creatures here below; praise Him above thee heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Who Needs a Radio When You've Got Music in Your Head 24/7?

2008-12-15T12:37:00.000-08:00

So over the last few months, with Elijah in our bedroom, I would get up multiple times a night either to feed or soothe the babe. Each time I would awaken, there would instantly be a song playing in my head. They were often Christian songs with comforting messages. But sometimes they were less desirable, and more annoying, e.g., "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas." Sometimes being very tuned in to music (pardon the pun) is a good thing, sometimes it is not. The times when it is not, are the times when a song gets stuck in my head, or when I'm listening to someone sing who isn't on key and the experience is actually physically painful for me. Times when it is good, are when I have to learn something quickly and my musical memory kicks in and does its work.

Another funny story: As a French horn player for over 12 years, I was instructed at a young age to grease the slides using lanolin. It was an extremely thick, somewhat sticky substance that, if rubbed on clothing, is nearly impossible to remove. I was instructed to buy it at a pharmacy, which I always did, not really knowing what it was. I actually haven't played for several years, but in addition to my musical memory, I also have a very strong smell memory. So, when I had my baby last June and started breastfeeding, I was instructed to use lanolin to keep "things" from chapping or cracking. It didn't occur to me at first, but once I smelled the lanolin, I immediately realized that the substance I was using to keep my nipples from chapping, was the same substance I used to keep the slides on my French horn libricated!!!! HA! I find that extremely funny. :)

Now that I've discussed my musical brain and boobie chapstick, I'm going to move on to the obvious next subject: food.
I recently had the extremely fortunate experience of partaking of a divine piece of dessert: Chai Spice Cheesecake. Because I thought I'd died inside Nichole's Fine Pastry, and gone to heaven, I decided to find a recipe online. I plan to take one of those creamy beauties with me to Christmas at Chris' folks' house. And I figure if nobody likes it, I'll get it all to myself. HA! Just kidding. Mostly.

Well, I believe the boy has woken up from his nap. I better go check.

A Wonderful Thing

2008-11-11T19:45:00.000-08:00

I spent over 2 hours on Sunday afternoon cleaning my kitchen. And I mean really cleaning it. I cleared off counter space, and rearranged my myriad small kitchen appliances. And it's still clean today. That pleases me greatly.

Then tonight, I was able to clean my hardwood floors with Murphy's Oil Soap, and get some sticky spots cleaned off the floor with Goo Gone. It was a delightful evening.

Also, I am already planning my Thanksgiving menu, as both my parents and my in-laws are coming for Thanksgiving supper. Yes, we're having supper, instead of lunch. Chris wants to deep fry a turkey, so I'm putting him in charge of that. Then I'm going to make fresh cranberry salad, a ridiculously buttery and sugary sweet potato deliciousness, possibly some corn bread muffins, and my mother is making her ab-fab dressing. For dessert, la piece de resistance: pumpkin meringue pie. I might also make an apple cheesecake situation, just for the fun of it. I was also toying with the idea of a pumpkin bread truffle cup, which I may still try. It'll be a great meal.

On other newsy items, I had an endoscopy this morning. They wanted to make sure I wasn't developing esophageal cancer, since I've had acid reflux for so long (almost 7 years). I've had an endoscopy before, and this one was even less eventful than the last. The only thing I remember is being rolled in to the room, being told to turn on my side, having them put an oxygen tube thing on my face and a thing in my mouth to keep it open during the procedure. Then, the room started to wiggle and wobble, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in a little curtained recovery area. It was kind of cool - a really good nap! The worst thing was the nurse trying to get the dang IV in my hand - I thought she was never going to stop DIGGING in my hand. It hurt like mad. Finally the nurse anesthetist took over and put it near my wrist. She said, "Okay, now scream when I count to 3 - 1, 2, AHHHHHHHHH!" Actually, she made more noise than I did. It hurt, but not as much as the first nurse digging in the back of my hand! The good news? My esophagus looked great. The bad news? They found a bunch of polyps in my stomach. They took biopsies and I have to go back next month for a followup appointment. The doctor said (in an Indian accent, "They are usually of no consequence." :)

I also took a 2 1/2 hour nap when we got home this afternoon and felt like poo upon waking. Having had to skip my usual morning latte, I made one this afternoon around 4:00. I do hope I'll be able to sleep tonight....

So, I have a clean kitchen, clean floors, and a clean esophagus. Life is good.

The Dedicated

2008-10-12T16:27:00.000-07:00

I find myself frolicking through my day, and I suddenly am struck with a magnificent idea for a blog post. Usually I am nowhere near a computer and/or don't have the time to sit down and complete said post.

Then I continue to frolick, the thought never to return to my mind again.

So, to my dear blog readers (if any of you are still left out there in cyberland), I have to apologize for all the possibly interesting blogs that could have been, but are forever lost in the recesses of my mind. A sad commentary on the current status of my brainwaves. But reality, nonetheless.

So, this night, I will simply recount my weekend.

My parents arrived on Thursday afternoon and gave Chris and I the night off from parenting , and a chance to see "Fireproof," the movie. BTW, it was excellent. Friday was to be a trip to the pumpkin patch, but ended up being a movie day, as it poured the entire day and night. Since Saturday was a repeat of Friday weatherwise, the church hayride was cancelled. Sunday Chris' parents joined us all at church for Elijah's dedication. We hosted lunch afterwards, again, in the rain, and things were fairly pleasant for the afternoon.

It's still raining, but my baby has been Dedicated, deliciousness was consumed for dessert (read: Chocolate Caramel Sea Salt Tart from Nichole's Fine Pastry), and tomorrow it's back to work, back to normal life. (I had a 4 day weekend, which was quite lovely.)

My child just pooped. Guess it's time to go...

Why I Love Food: A Dissertation by Heather

2008-09-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

I was watching Everyday Italian this afternoon and something occurred to me - the reason I love food and love cooking....

It's sexy.

It brings the senses to life.

I was watching Giada pour milk into a glass full of espresso and ice, and the milk made little twirly swirls down through the espresso, like fern fronds. It was beautiful. Not only was it a delicous drink, it was art.

Have you ever ordered a macchiato and noticed how the milk sits on top of the espresso? You have to swish the glass around in order to mix it. Watching those ingredients transform from a oil-and-water separateness, into a creamy tan colored deliciousness is satisfying.

So is drinking it.

That's the other thing: I've discovered the true joy of brewing my own espresso every morning. The old fashioned way. It's pretty much the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning - that glorious dark brown nectar that wakens my tastebuds and my brain. Oh, sweet mystery of life, I've finally found you.

The key to this deliciousness? Dunn Bros fresh roasted beans. Delectible.

Maybe I should have entitled this post: Why I Love Espresso....

Like Sand Through the Hourglass...

2008-09-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

Months off work: 3

Days until returning to work: <1

Time spent with child: priceless

Okay, so maybe that doesn't fit the Visa ad completely, as months and days are not monetary values, but this summer has been great. The funny thing is, I'm not terribly sad that my maternity leave has come to an end. I'm looking forward to going back to work (at reduced hours) and contributing to society again. I like using my brain. I like giving and receiving knowledge. And I especially like the fact that my child will really never have to be in daycare.

I look back on the last 3 years, for that is how long we have lived in this area, and I really am in awe. I had wanted to move to Fargo, because I thought life would be easier there - that jobs would be easier to find - that things would move in the right direction for Chris and me. Then I look at what happened: the job from hell, depression from hell, fertility issues, questioning God, begging Chris to move back to the Cities, more job issues, constant money issues, more questioning God, bitterness...and then suddenly, it all went away. August 2005 - August 2006 was probably about the second worst year of my life. (We won't go into details about the worst year.) But in the blink of an eye, our prayers were finally answered, the pathway was made clear, and the questioning ceased.

I think about our jobs - we are truly blessed with the best jobs. I think I can easily say that Chris has his dream job, and my job maybe isn't my "dream" job, but it's pretty awesome, and I love it. I have fantastic coworkers, I work for a fantastic organization, and love what I do. We live in a great community with an amazing church and super people. We have a nice house. Our baby is healthy and adorable. Our marriage is continuing to grow and mature.

Now I feel like we've "settled." And I don't mean "settled" as in, we didn't get what we want so we "settled" for less. I mean "settled" as in, this is where we live, where our family will grow. Life has some consistency to it. Or maybe a better word is "constance." There is a certain constance to knowing that I have a great doctor I can trust, that I've been working the same job for a year and a half, that we have some established friendships, and maybe, that we are finally adults. At 33 and almost 31, you'd think I would have felt adultish before now, but with grad school and marrying in our mid and late 20's, moving, and having a 2 year job search for Chris, things have not felt grown up at all. In fact, it's felt quite juvenile.

But I'm happy to say that the juvenile feeling has come to an end for the most part, and I think I can view myself as an adult, a contributing member of civilized society. Like I can be taken seriously. I think life has a richness to it that it hasn't had before, and I would like to think that richness will only grow.

...So are the days of our lives....

These Are the Days of Elijah

2008-06-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, it happened! June 18th, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy: 8 pounds 5 ounces, 22 1/4 inches long, whom we named Elijah! He's so cute! (Seriously.) I believe I'm going to start a new blog with all his beautifulness on it.

However, I am currently sitting on the couch, by myself (except, of course, for the child), as my husband is out with the youth group. I don't like to be alone, and if I have to be alone, sometimes it's nice just to watch some TV, but the TV is in the basement and it's dark down there. Dark, and cold. I don't really want to sit in the dark, cold basement, by myself. But, the alternative is to sit here and stare at the wall, while my child sleeps. Not the worst thing I could be doing, that's for sure, but I have this thirst to be entertained a little bit.

Life has changed. That's for sure. My body is very different. My family is different. My brain is different. And now I'm responsible for a little bean for the rest of my life! It's pretty amazing. I'm so thankful for him. I love him like crazy, and actually could probably entertain myself for hours just by watching his facial expressions. They're so cute.

So, these are the days of Elijah. We're so glad he's here.

The Nursery Is Finished....

2008-06-15T12:20:00.001-07:00

Before....

After...

However, the nursery is not COMPLETE, as the baby that is supposed to be sleeping in there has still not arrived yet! If labor does not begin on its own in the next 40 hours, it will be induced at 7:00am on Tuesday morning. This is definitely a welcomed scenario, although I would like to go into labor on my own. I must say that I am very much looking forward to meeting this little pipsqueak!

Any Day Now

2008-06-06T08:42:00.001-07:00

Any day now, I will be giving birth to our first child. As the day draws closer, I have several thoughts going through my head...

"How will I cope with labor?" i.e. "How much is this going to hurt?"

"Will I be able to give birth without an epidural?"

"What kind of personality is the baby going to have?"

"Will I ever sleep again?"

"Will I be an overbearing mother?"

These questions challenge a lot of pre-conceived ideas I've had floating around in my head for many years. When I was younger, I equated motherhood with weakness. In my mind, the strong woman went out and conquered a career and travelled the world and held her own place in life. I realize now that while a career takes a lot of ambition and strength, the real Super Woman is the mother. I think my new question is, "How do I maintain my own identity and some individuality while being a mother?" I understand motherhood to be very consuming, but I can also rest in the fact that it is what you make it to be. I believe many mothers in our society succumb to the stereotype that you have some babies, gain some weight, get frumpy, don't care about yourself anymore, and just do what you have to do to get through the day. I seriously don't think I could handle that - if that's what life's got in store for me now.

I still have dreams, I still have goals and desires in life. I want to make a difference in the world, and while I plan to do that through my children, I also want to do it on a larger scale as well. I'd like to write a book, or be a public speaker, or start some sort of counseling center and be its director.

It's a lot to think about and any day now, my mind and arms will be occupied with something brand new. This is exciting and daunting, all at the same time. The child is kicking me even as I type this.

I imagine the next time I post anything here, I'll be a mommy.
Wow.

Come On Baby, Light My Fire

2008-04-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

So we had a party at our house last night. About 8 firemen, a cop, and an ambulance showed up for it.

At about 10:15pm, Chris decided to light a fire in the basement fireplace (woodburning). This was the first fire we'd had since we moved in, as we didn't have any wood this winter. The wood he used was from the built-in closet he had torn out of the baby's room last weekend, which was fairly old and quite dry. The fire got hot quickly, and suddenly, we heard this "WHOOSH!" Like a rush of winds, up the chimney! Chris ran outside to see sparks shooting out the top of the chimney, and considering the fire was in the basement and the chimney exhales at the peak of the second floor roof, the fire must have been going pretty good in there.

It only took about 1.76 minutes for me to realize that we had better not gamble with this fire, as this is our new house and I didn't really want to have to find another place to live with the baby coming in 6 weeks! Chris threw some water on the fire in the fireplace and I quickly told him to call 911. The cop was at our house in less than a minute, and told us to get in our car and go down the block.

So, at about 10:45 pm, we watched as 2 fire engines, a fire truck, and an ambulance all pulled up in front of our house, lights and all. I can't remember if they had the sirens going or not.

Four guys got up on the roof and by that time - probably about 10-12 minutes after the fire had started, we were pretty sure it was already out. They stayed up there, monitoring for about 15 minutes. They took some stuff to throw down the chimney if need be, but they didn't have to use it.

The firemen did get our carpet dirty in a few places from their boots, as well as some dirt smudges on the walls, but there was no damage to the house from the fire. We were instructed to call our homeowners insurance right away as well. The whole situation was sort of embarassing, and really quite hilarious - I couldn't help but laugh at ourselves as we sat in our car, a half block away, watching all these fire engines pull up to our little house! The neighbors were in their driveways watching the show. Glad we could provide some Saturday night entertainment!!

The Thirties

2008-04-24T13:23:00.001-07:00

I used to bemoan the fact that the time one goes through after college and throughout ones' Twenties is a strange and uncharted land. First there's the job issue, as in, you have to find one. Sometimes that goes well, other times it does not. Second, there's the fact that making friends can sometimes be a challenging feat. Since some people get married in their early twenties, and some not until their late twenties, this makes the friend situation awkward at times. Then there's the I-don't-want-to-face-the-fact-that-I'm-not-in-college-anymore syndrome. A good friend of mine had to break up with a man (boy) she dearly loved because he didn't work full time, spent the bulk of his free time going to Iowa Hawkeye football games, and felt the need to fraternize with his "buddies" more than her. Maybe a better title for this syndrome is, "I Don't Wanna Grow Up." Others of us continue on to grad school - a somewhat familiar place, as college is behind us, and we know how to do homework. Some people are traveling, some are dating, some are lost. It's a weird time.

I was looking forward to entering my Thirties because I thought some of the awkwardness would end. Now that I'm thirty and I'm married, we've both got jobs, we've got a house, and a baby on the way, but I'm finding that it's not without its foreignness. For instance: we love the town we live in, and we love our church family. They couldn't be better. But, because I'm the pastor's wife, I'm still trying to figure out the friend thing.

Here's the issue: I've always made friends very easily, but I've found this to be different since we moved to Fargo. (Case in point: I met some really great people when we first moved here, who are still my friends, but a weird thing happened after we moved here - I got really depressed, and it got worse and worse, so I sort of distanced myself from these people, in part because that depressed frame of mind makes me think that people don't want to be around me, and in part because I didn't want to be a drag. Then we switched churches, twice, and never really landed anywhere until last August - TWO years after moving here. So, precious relationship building time was lost because of not only my frame of mind, but also the fact that we kept meeting new people. There is another issue: because Chris and I are so vastly different, when we meet couples, I'll often get along really well with one or both of them, but he won't feel a connection, or he'll really like them, and I'll not feel the connection. Right now, in our church family, that hasn't been an issue, but I wonder if it would be if we weren't there as the pastor and his wife.) ANYWAY...

I find myself in a place today where I just want to sit down with a good friend over coffee and talk.... I used to do this almost weekly with my best friend, Kris, in the Cities. Plus, I'd see my friend Jolene on a fairly regular basis, and before she moved, my friend Dawn and I would get together whenever we could. These girls and I would talk about anything and everything from our husbands to God, from diets to how good the Sebastian Joe's Ice Cream was that day..., from sex to gardening. Life is weird right now, and I kind of want to hash it over with someone, have them sympathize with me, and then talk about how weird their life is! Do people not do this in this part of the country? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just a complainer?!?! (I hope not...)

The other, possibly bigger issue, is that as the pastor's wife, do I divulge personal information about myself and my husband to our friends/small group at church? If so, how much? Along with that, is the fact that while I'm not the youngest woman in our small group, I will have the youngest child. All the other kids are 5-13. Everybody's already out of the baby phase, and while it's nice to have women around who have some knowledge, I often like to find things out for myself, and not rely on someone else's previous experience. I don't know.

This is just a whole lot of confusing! You know what I REALLY want? A fricking margarita!!! Or a mojito. Or just a glass of wine. I don't know why I'm so interested in alcohol. Probably because I can't have any!

Possible topics of conversation (just to get them out of my mind for a while):
1. Dreams - what does one do when one has dreams for their life, but is 30 and having a baby for the first time? How does one integrate family and dreams?
2. Vacationing - I'd love to take a vacation this summer - not that it's like to happen.
3. Money - there are so many things I'd like to do with my life and I feel like I'm never going to be able to because of debt and the fact that I'm cutting back my hours after maternity leave and my own poor spending habits!
4. Marriage - does anybody else feel like ____ (insert whatever is going on)?
5. My own lack of motivation and how my husband fuels this lack.
6. Feeling like a conflicted soul most days of the week.

So, that was a lot of blabbering, but I don't care.

Cute Sayings from Husband

2008-04-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

"You get the belly all day long, I don't get it very much."

"Stop running away with the belly!"

"Your belly is so cute."

...more to come.

Let's Not Screw This One Up, America

2008-04-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

Marriage Breakdown Costs Taxpayers at Least $112 Billion a Year Reveals New StudyReveals staggering annual taxpayer costs for divorce and unwed childbearing

WASHINGTON, D.C., April 16, 2008 (LifeSiteNews.com) - In first-ever research, a new report quantifies a minimum $112 billion annual taxpayer cost from high rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing. It also identifies national, state and local costs which account for more than $1 trillion in the last decade.

The landmark scholarly study concludes that public concern about the decline of marriage need not be based only on the important negative consequences for child well-being or on moral concerns, as important as these concerns may be. High rates of family fragmentation impose extraordinary costs on taxpayers. Reducing these costs is a legitimate concern of government, policymakers, and legislators, as well as civic leaders and faith communities"The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States," was released on April 15th at the National Press Club by four policy and research groups - Institute for American Values, Georgia Family Council, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, and Families Northwest."This study documents for the first time, that divorce and unwed childbearing - besides being bad for children - are also costing taxpayers a ton of money," said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values. "Even a small improvement in the health of marriage in America would result in enormous savings to taxpayers," he continued. "For example, a 1 percent reduction in rates of family fragmentation would save taxpayers $1.1 billion."

"These costs are due to increased taxpayer expenditures for anti-poverty, criminal justice and education programs, and through lower levels of taxes paid by individuals whose adult productivity has been negatively affected by increased childhood poverty caused by family fragmentation," said principal investigator Ben Scafidi, Ph.D., economics professor at Georgia College & State University."Prior research shows that marriage lifts single mothers out of poverty and therefore reduces the need for costly social benefits," said Scafidi. "This new report shows that public concern about the decline of marriage need not be based only on 'moral' concerns, but that reducing high taxpayer costs of family fragmentation is a legitimate concern of government, policymakers and legislators, as well as community reformers and faith communities."

"This report now provides the basis for a national consensus that strengthening marriage is a legitimate policy concern," said Blankenhorn. "The report's numbers represent an extremely cautious estimate, a lower-bound figure, and have been vetted by a group of distinguished scholars and economists who have attached their names as advisors to this report.""These numbers represent real people and real suffering," said Randy Hicks, president of Georgia Family Council. "Both economic and human costs make family fragmentation a legitimate public concern.

Historically, Americans have resisted the impulse to surrender to negative and hurtful trends. We fight problems like racism, poverty and domestic violence because we understand that the stakes are high. And while we'll never eliminate divorce and unwed childbearing entirely, we can certainly be doing more to help marriages and families succeed."For a copy of the full study visit:http://www.americanvalues.org/pdf_dl.php?name=COFF

Scotcheroos

2008-04-11T18:10:00.001-07:00

After a discussion on Wednesday night about one of my favorite desserts (Scotcheroos), I decided I wanted to make some today. So, when I was at the grocery store, I picked up a big jar of peanut butter, and some Rice Krispies. I was SURE that the recipe called for 1 cup of butter, 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of p.b., and 6 cups Rice Krispies. So, when I got home, I pulled out my recipe, which called for 1 cup of Karo syrup, not one cup of butter.

However, since I was SURE that I had made the Scotcheroos with 1 cup of butter, I decided, "Heck, I must have just changed up the recipe." And I commenced the operation.

I put everything in the pan and turned on the burner. I left my favorite yellow Tupperware spatula in the pan and ran downstairs for a minute to look for another recipe.

Apparently, I was gone longer than I thought.

When I returned upstairs, I found that my favorite yellow Tupperware spatula was melted to the bottom of the pan. Needless to say, 1 cup of butter, 1 cup of peanut butter, and 1 cup of sugar went in the garbage can. (A big thank you to Chris for taking care of the mess for me, and for offering to run to the grocery store for more ingredients.)

So, since I was intent upon having these Scotcheroos, I decided to try batch numero dos. 1 cup of butter, 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of p.b. Melt. Boil. Stir in 6 cups Rice Krispies. Transfer to pan. Hmm....these don't seem to be sticky in the least. Drat.

Apparently, I had NOT, in fact, made the Scotcheroos with 1 cup of butter previously.

New problem: no Karo syrup in the house.

Still bent on having these tasty treats upon which to munch, I took Chris up on his offer to run to the grocery store and get the Karo syrup. Thank you, dearie.

I guess the third time really is a charm.

Total items in garbage:
1 pound butter.
2 cups sugar.
2 cups peanut butter
6 cups Rice Krispies.

Total items in my tummy:
1 small Scotcheroo, sans chocolate topping.

Decisionless

2008-04-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is I. Decisionless. I have not decided what to do about my blog. I really do enjoy the writing, as that is one of my favorite things to do. However, I have now found myself to have small bits of cyber-real estate in a few too many places....facebook, flickr (which I rarely use, but feel it will be mighty handy after BB comes), and of course, right here on blogger. I'd get rid of facebook, but I do get to see pictures and hear updates about friends that I probably wouldn't get to see or hear otherwise.

So, I'm still here, and maybe I'll figure out how to integrate this blog into my changing role in life. It shouldn't be too hard. Maybe I'll change the name to Mocha Momma!

I guess I'm going back to work in the fall. I'm both happy and sad about this. Actually, I'm surprisingly okay with it. I am cutting back my hours to 30, and my employer will allow me to work 18 hours in the office and the rest at home. I figure that's really not so bad. It's less than half time in the office, and I'm fairly okay with that. I still wish I could stay home full time, not that I don't like my job, but that I want to be home. But, who knows, maybe this will be the perfect balance of home and work. I do think I'd miss this particular job if I were no longer here.

We took our Childbirth Education class last Friday and Saturday. It was fairly informative - not that it was particularly new information, but that it was good to hear it in one long, cohesive blow. Tuesday we took Music Therapy Assisted Childbirth, and that was really helpful. I'm going to put together some CD's to accompany the different stages of labor. I'm thinking a little Berlioz Symphonie Fantastique, maybe some Shostakovich No. 5, and I'm sure I'll include Vivaldi's Four Seasons for relaxation purposes, especially Springtime. Next week is Car Seat Safety.

Funny things about pregnancy...everything I pick up with my hands immediately falls on the floor, which is a really bad thing, because it's not particularly easy to bend over and get it....Chris said he put his hand on my belly the other night when he came to bed (I was asleep) and as soon as he did, the baby kicked him....Baby gets the hiccups and it kind of feels like when your eyelid twitches - just this strange little ticking feeling; I always thought that my whole belly would bounce, the way people talk about it, but that's not the case for me. I feel kind of bad for the little thing - when I get the hiccups it hurts! The really funny thing about the baby getting the hiccups is that it happens because it's swallowing amniotic fluid.

Funny thing about blogging - I can think of extremely interesting things to write about when I'm in the car or when I'm somewhere nowhere near my computer, but when I'm sitting in front of the computer, I have nothing to say...

Maybe I'll have some licorice.

Give Me Ambiguity or Give Me Something Else

2008-03-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

I stole that quote from a sweatshirt my dad has. I'm not exactly sure how it applies to my post today, but it was the best title I could think of.

I don't post much anymore. Even though I really enjoy writing and posting, I'm generally unsure of what to write on my personal blog anymore. Since the blog used to be just general thoughts and stories, now my life has changed quite a bit and I feel I have more certain things to write about - my growing belly, for one thing. But the flavor of the blog would change at that point, and I'm not sure my concrete mind could handle changing course in the middle of Mocha Monologues. So, the question then, is this - do I start a new blog and write about the more pertinent things on my mind (pregnancy, labor and delivery, being a new mom, trying to find a way to stay home full time, etc) or do I just continue as is?

All that said, I guess I do have some things to say today: some baby related, some not.

This was quite a lovely weekend. Friday night I was really worn out, as usual, so we just stayed home. Saturday Chris was gone all day taking the youth group skiing. I was home by myself all day, which was okay until about 5:00 pm when I started to get lonely. But it was a glorious day. I never got out of my pajamas. I watched some of my Tivo'd shows, I read, I did my Bible study, I talked to my mother, I made some food, even took a little nap. It was quite nice.

Today, of course, was the first day of Daylight Savings Time, or the reversal of it, or something. I'm never sure if we're saving daylight during the winter or the summer. Anyway, it must have taken a toll on Chris and I, because we both took a 3 hour nap this afternoon on the couch. I just made a casserole, and I got started on our baby registry on Babiesrus.com. I like that site because they have so many organic items. I also bought a stroller on Ebay tonight. We bought a used car seat from some friends, and that particular style isn't in stores anymore. I found a new one, still in the box, on Ebay, and was able to purchase it right away.

We also got the nursery decor figured out for the most part. I'm putting together my own theme - sweet peas. The walls will be orange sherbet, the carpet will probably be tan or cream, the crib will be stained espresso. Chris is going to make a small changing table and stain it the same espresso color as the crib. I ordered an organic fitted crib sheet, a dust ruffle, and a knit organic blanket for the crib. I had all but ordered an entire bedroom set for the nursery, when I discovered that you aren't supposed to use the comforter in the crib with the baby, and you're also not supposed to use the bumper pad. So, that leaves the fitted sheet and the dust ruffle (those 4 items usually come together in a set) and I was not about to pay $199 for the use of the two cheapest items out of the four! So, I decided to do my own thing. I'm going to be asking a co-worker, who is a brilliant seamstress, to make a pea pod wall hanging, and I'm hoping to find a mobile aparatus in a second hand store, take off the little decorations that go around in circles, and put pea pods on in their places. I'm very exicted about this whole endeavor. I also registered for some baskets to go beneath the changing table that Chris is making, in stead of buying a $45.00 diaper stacker. I feel like things are starting to fall into place and that I can finally start getting ready for this baby!

We also seem to have decided on a boy's name! I'd call all of this PROGRESS!

So, that's my randomness for the month, I guess. Maybe I'll be back before the month is out!

Hormone Meltown

2008-02-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

I had a meltdown today. Chris had to be at the church from 8-12 for another spiritual gifts class, so I stayed in my pajamas all morning. He still hadn't come home by 12:45, so I called him and he wondered if I wanted to go out to the cafe for lunch, cause a bunch of people were meeting there. I hadn't showered, was still in my pajamas, and wasn't necessarily hungry, but I said I'd go.

Well, I tried to go upstairs and put on some clothes, but when I put my pants on, they were tighter in the thighs and butt than they normally were, and I couldn't find a shirt to wear and when I finally did put a shirt on, I raised my arms above my head and my shirt went halfway up my midsection. I felt gross and fat and disgusting, so I called Chris back to tell him I wasn't coming, but he didn't answer. The home phone rang at the same time, so I answered it and it was a guy from church, and I was on the verge of tears and wasn't very cordial to him.

Finally Chris called me back and I lost it, so he said he'd come home and I went upstairs and cried in the shower.

I didn't realize until last Thursday how much I miss shopping and wearing cute clothes and looking nice. I can't even wear nice shoes, because my feet and legs get sore and tired more quickly than normal. I feel frumpy and fat and I'm scared I'm not going to lose my pregnancy weight, much less the 15 pounds I'd gained before I got pregnant. The worst part? I went to the mall during a break from work on Thursday, because I was missing shopping so much. I went into two stores and not one sales clerk approached me, either time. It was sort of insulting. But, I partly don't blame them. I was wearing a Columbia jacket (not the height of fashion), Dansko shoes (comfy, but again, not particularly cute or even nice looking), and maternity corderoys (need I say more?). My belly was showing, as I had my jacket unbuttoned, and I'm sure they were wondering why I was wandering around their Express store. Sad.

The other worst part is that some of my maternity pants are starting to be tight. I don't particularly want to buy MORE pants. Plus, the thought of my thighs expanding is like a horror show in my head.

Now, don't get me wrong: I haven't gained all that much weight. Somewhere around 13-14 pounds, in almost 22 weeks. Plus, my doctor warned me that over these last 4 weeks I'd probably gain the most and not to be surprised if I come in the next time (Monday) and have put on 4-6 pounds.

I don't mean to sound like a complainer - I WANT to be pregnant, and I'm actually loving pregnancy for the most part - I just had a crazy hormone moment and the realization that my body really is different now, and I missed feeling cute and stylish.

And I just felt my baby kick and that has to be the most awesome feeling in the world.

New Year's What?

2008-01-15T18:18:00.000-08:00

I decided this year that I wasn't going to make any New Year's Resolutions. I'm not worried about losing weight (being 5 months pregnant); I'll be worrying about that a few months down the road! I have a job that I mostly enjoy - probably the best job I've ever had. I don't know what to resolve, although I do like the idea of taking stock of one's life and, well, tweaking.

I do have some goals to accomplish before baby makes his or her arrival in June. I have a stack of books accumulating on my bookshelf that really must be read. (I have a penchant for buying books and not having enough time or energy or gumption to turn off the TV long enough to get through them all). So, my goal is to read one book per week. I figure I've got 21 weeks before the baby's due and I'm sure I have 21 books I should read before them. Quite honestly, I'll be amazed if I reach my goal, but at least I'm aiming for something.

I also would like to revisit my musical talent. I haven't sang, played the piano or French horn in years, and should probably do something about that before I lose my abilities completely.... Maybe I'll start with some good old "special music" at church!

I think another worthy goal is to treat my husband with more respect and kindness. As of the past week or two, my pregnancy hormones have brought out the crabby Heather - at least toward Chris. Not that Chris has been an innocent bystander, but I know I possess more tact and tenderness than what I've been portraying!

Finally, I plan to have the house entirely unpacked - even those weird boxes that travel with you from dwelling to dwelling, never getting unpacked - by the time the baby comes.

With all of these vague goals come the necessities, such as preparing the baby's room (paint, curtains, new flooring, crib, bedding, decor). We don't have a choice but to have these things completed by somewhere around May.

I need some food.

Mandarin Oranges

2007-12-27T12:57:00.001-08:00

I was at the grocery store the other day, picking up some mandarin oranges (because they're the most delicious little orange bits of goodness on the planet) and I was checking the labels. "Product of China." "Product of China." "Product of China." I kept thinking to myself, "Gosh, can't you get mandarin oranges from anywhere but China?"

Oh. Duh.

MANDARIN.

Oranges.

Yup.

The Terrible, Horrible, (Almost) No Good, Very Bad Day

2007-10-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

"I went to bed with gum in my mouth, and now there's gum in my hair."
Okay, well, that's not true of me, but that's how the book of the same title begins (the same title, that is, minus the (almost).)
Anyway, Monday was a crappy day. Aside from it being a MONDAY, I had to go out of town. Upon leaving town, I noticed that my rear passenger tire was slightly lower than normal, but I thought that it could have been the position in which I was parked, or that it was losing air slowly. So I left. About 5 miles out of town, when I got up to speed, I noticed the car shaking ni a way that it normally didn't. Called husband. Husband figured there was a balance problem and told me to have it looked at when I got back into town. No problemo.
Got to where I needed to be (107 miles from Fargo) and on my way home, I stopped about 40 miles out of Fargo for a bathroom break and re-checked the tire: no change - still slightly low.
About 25-30 minutes later, there it was; the unmistakable "thwapthwapthwapthwap" of a flat tire.
So I pull over.
Now this is where it becomes unfortunate: Husband is out of town hunting that particular day.
So, I call Brother in Law, and luckily, he leaps into action like a chivalrous knight! YAY! He comes to change my tire, we discover that my tire is beyond repair, and I go about my merry way back home.
My night still has the possibility of being a good one: I am about to go to my friend's house for our regular Monday knitting activities and to watch the end of the second part of Anne of Green Gables. However, my indigestion kicks in, and I spend most of the evening in varying levels of gastrointestinal discomfort.
Then, it happens. I leave the lovely nest of Erin, where we watched Anne and Gilbert fall in love, and it happens. Emergency bathroom break needed. I'd only pulled away from the curb, when it hit. I didn't think I was going to make it! I drove at least 2 miles, maybe 3, to (thank you Jesus) the cleanest gas station bathroom I've ever encountered in my life.
I go home, a little shakily, and crawl into bed, hoping the episode is over. But, alas, it is not. (I'll leave the beautiful details to your imagination).
I stayed home from work on Tuesday for most of the day.
It's been a crazy week.
BUT! I'm hosting a Lia Sophia jewlery party tonight, where I am going to obtain some lovely pieces of jewlery for a great discount due to hostess status. There is a light...
And, I'm reading a good book right now: Girls Gone Mild, by Wendy Shalit. I started reading this book the first week of August. Somehow I'm still not done. Anyway..
I shall sign off. It is nearly time to go home. I've gotten a lot accomplished today, or so it seems. This is good.
Here's to quiet intestines.

A Weekend of Tears

2007-09-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

Life is so strange. You think you have things figured out and then you realize that you've been living at a status quo that no longer makes the grade. Nor should it have ever made the grade. Do you ever have that happen? I often have it happen in my life, but this weekend it was focused on my spiritual life, as well as that life that goes on inside your head - that part where you're trying to be a better person and learning things and trying to apply them to your life. I realize that my spiritual life should be one with my inside-my-head life, but I'm not so sure that's been the case; ever.

First of all, my best friend called on Friday night to tell me she'd received some good, but also rather disturbing news at the doctor's office that afternoon. The good news is that she was 9 weeks pregnant. The disturbing news was that neither she nor her doctors knew it when they did an HSG procedure on her about 3 weeks ago. Scary. (An HSG - I think it stands for hysterosalpinogram, or something close to that - is the procedure to determine if a woman's fallopian tubes are clear or if there is blockage. They insert a catheter through the cervix, shoot some sort of saline/dye solution into the uterus, and force it out the fallopian tubes. I had one in December; they're not particularly fun, especially when the doctor can't get the catheter through your cervix and you think you're going to vomit on yourself from the pain. Anyway, I digress....) Basically, she had the procedure while pregnant and now she's freaking out. I don't blame her. I would have freaked out, too, although I played the role of strong, supportive friend; the voice of reason.

Anyway, aside from the wonderful news that she's pregnant, my little heart was breaking ever so slightly, although I did my best to mask it's cracks. Over the past 21 months of my endeavor to conceive (something I have not discussed on this blog, as it is a strange process that I wasn't really comfortable putting out there for all the world to see, even though I talk about it openly with all my friends and basically anyone who asks) my friend, who never wanted children and didn't think she could have any for various and assundry reasons, has told me the whole time, "I can't wait for you to get pregnant! I'm going to buy you all sorts of cute baby clothes and throw you showers!" Etc, etc, etc... And now, here we are, 21 months later, and she's pregnant, and I am not (well, technically I COULD be, but won't know for several days...anyone who's been there knows the routine). Now, please know that I'm not complaining, or begrudging her pregnancy. It just makes my sad heart all the more aware of its sadness.

I haven't noticed the sadness as much with my other friends. Almost everyone I know right now is pregnant, just had a baby, or is trying to have one and is having trouble like me. Some end up pregnant through IUI or IVF or Clomid. Some are lucky enough to be able to conceive on their own. But it seemed that this weekend was especially, well, baby-logged. I found out two more couples we know are expecting, all within about 24 hours of hearing of my friend. This morning there was a baby dedication in church: the second one in as many weeks. Normally that's not a big deal to me, but for whatever reason, our pastor chose to play a 3 minute video clip of pictures of tiny babies, pregnant bellies, and small children with their parents, while all the Bible verses that mention children or rearing children were flashed below the pics. For whatever reason, the tears flowed. Heavily.

Let me just say this: when you're the wife of a pastor, you have this strange dichotomy of, "I have this trouble, but I don't necessarily want the ENTIRE congregation to know my personal business." In fact, when I approached the head pastor's wife about this very issue she said that if I want to ask for prayer, to take it just to the elders. I was hoping she'd say that. Anyway, it created a difficult moment for me; a moment that was already very difficult.

But, I made it through, with the strong supportive arm of Chris next to me. And then came the spritual stretching.

This church that we are part of is ALIVE. The Spirit is there, the teaching is strong and vivid, and the people are so warm, welcoming, and supportive. And in those things, comes spiritual upheaval. At least for me. It never ceases to amaze me that the Spirit teaches you new things, even though these new things are really actually old things, and they're things you've learned before, except not exactly. You might know what I mean.

Example: I used to tithe regularly, during a time when I was single. Got away from it when I met Chris, as we were not attending the same church at first, and then, when we were, I was living off my loans, which I didn't count as income, whether that's right or not. Anyway, somewhere along the road, I became really stingey. We had been giving over the last 2 years, but not "tithing" per se (10%). Not that we HAVE to give 10%, but that is a good guideline. Once Chris left his job in March, we stopped giving almost entirely. And while God did do some amazing things in our life during that time, we were so self-focused. In fact, I'd say most of our marriage has been self-focused. (It's hard not to be, when you don't have enough money to pay your bills some months, I guess.) I realized today that while I became stingey in my pocketbook, I became stingey in my heart. Judgmental, hard-hearted, sarcastic, unloving, uncaring, bitter. Where do these things come from? Not from the Spirit! The fruit of the Spirit is goodness, kindness, patience, peace, gentleness, and a few other things I can't remember, but that don't have anything to do with the things I had become.

Then Pastor Steve said something that really hit home: "What you do with your money is directly related to how you view Jesus." Woah. Wait a minute. You mean.... My stingeyness... Jesus.... Uh. Yes. All of the above.

Crap.

No wonder I've felt so congested for so many years. Congested spiritual, mentally, emotionally even. Relationally.

I actually think that the sermon, which was entitled, "The Opposite of Selfishness," even spoke to my whole situation with conceiving. God blesses the cheerful giver. He enlarges, makes fruitful, and multiplies them, in many various forms. Seems that might have something to do with children.

Now, I don't think that my selfishness is the direct reason I haven't become pregnant, but I sure do want to remedy the situation before I do. Or while I do. Or whatever. And who knows...maybe it is the reason?

All I know is that I want to be a blessing to others, and my life lately has become about trying to bless myself. I think I've had it backwards, don't you?

Too Many Things Occupying My Brain

2007-09-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

Today I actually felt like I had a brain again. This summer seemed to make my brain mushy. It must have been the warm weather, which I love, but for some reason, I couldn't concentrate on anything, and my mind was constantly wandering around for most of the days.

There's been a lot of change in my life lately, and I think that may have played a role. I like change, generally speaking. When I was in high school, and college, my favorite part of the semester was planning the classes for the next one. Part of it had to do with the progression - I was obviously moving forward with my education, and with that came accesss to the better classes. Part of it was that I was always hungry for more information. Anyway, all the changes lately have been good, and life is sweet right now, generally speaking. It's not without its challenges, but the challenges for the moment do not outweigh the sweetness.

I've been struck lately with the negativity that had taken hold in my life. In fact, I was quite convicted of it on Friday night. Chris and I were at our new church, taking a spiritual gifts assessment, and the pastor was making some comments about negative people. His point was to turn the conversation to the positive, so that they associate their interaction with you as positive and that they no longer have something negative to say to you (the overall message was to love them). I thought that was an interesting thing to say (and I probably didn't reproduce what he said very well), and realized that I have been a very negative person for a long time. I can see this now and definitely do not want to continue that pattern.

I've also noticed how life goes in cycles. It has phases. Even moods. We have periods of unrest and instability...then the air clears and we move on to the land of milk and honey, but usually not permanently. Our lives can so reflect those of the Israelites as they wandered in the desert. There are high points, and low. Times we grumble and "murmur," which make our journey longer, and times we see the presence of the Lord more evidently than ever. Nothing is static. We constantly ebb and flow, changing with the events around us, and hopefully with the nudges of the Lord.

I've seen this over the last 10 years of my life. I look back at it and wonder what I was thinking at times. I hope I've grown wiser. I know I have. I've seen the valleys and bemoaned being in them. Then I see the mountain tops and wish they could last longer. I hope as I grow that my attitude continues to develop and change and become more steady - not getting upset when things aren't looking like a rose garden, but persevering through it. One of my favorite verses, Romans 5:3-5 says this, "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I like that. Hope is a good thing.

Ten years ago. Gosh. I was a brand new sophomore in college. I'd just changed my major from Music Education to just plain old Music. This is where my struggle really began, and this is where the Lord starting making changes in me. It's crazy to think about the things that have take place since those days in Noehren Hall, third floor. I'm glad I'm not a college student anymore!

Well, enough reminiscing. Onward, I say.

Not Particularly...

2007-08-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not particularly inspired to write today. In fact, I'm not particularly inspired to do anything today.

Except sneeze. I've been sneezing for the past 18 hours, basically.

I've been drinking some decaf green chai tea from Trader Joe's this morning, and while it tastes good, I'm not sure my stomach is all that fond of it. I suddenly feel like puking.

I feel like I should write something worth reading, but I'm not sure what that is.

Ah, this is worth reading: my husband got up this morning and went to work. What a great thing! It made me happy. And, he started emptying one of our bookshelves this morning, to take his youth pastor books to his new office, which also makes me happy, because now the books won't be two rows deep on the shelf. Good times.

I just came across a very fun book, and I will share some of its contents herein:
Cheap Ways to Plan a Creative Date
1. Car-less Drive-In: Haul your TV & DVD player out to the backyard on a starry night with a blanket and some bug psray. The neighbors might think it strange, but you'll have a blast.
2. Skip Dinner: Eat dinner at home. Later, go out for Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' Donuts. Stop at the ice cream parlor. Just get a snack together, which is definitely chaeper than a whole meal. Instead of going out late, get up before work or class and go out for breakfast. Or meet each other at your favorite restaurant for lunch. Most restaurants have lunch and breakfast specials, and it's cheaper than goign out for dinner.
3. Shower in the Middle of the Night: Watch the news for the next big meteor shower. They usually peak at some odd hour of the night, like 3 A.M. So meet each other at the park, or in the backyard and watch the shooting stars. Even if there is not meteor shower, just stargazing late at night would be very romantic.

Cheap Ways to Say I Love You:
1. Kisses: Buy a bag of Hershey's Kisses, take out all the flags, and replace them with messages you have written yourself. If you want your sweetie to notice them on their own, try usign bright paper to get their attention.
2. Two Straws: Go to the local diner and order an extra large milkshake with two straws. It's chaper than two milkshakes, and it's a classic romance move. You might even get a smooch in between sips.

Cheap Ways to Live Below Your Means
1. Forget Lump-Sum Living: Do envelopes, do a money program, do whatever, just abandon a life lived by the lump-sum balance in your bankbook. Lump-sum living is too tempting and too vague, a sure sign of something tha tmight lead us away from a life lived under our means. Instead, introduce "Spending Sectors" into yoru life. From CDs to collectables, from groceries to Grande Mochaccinos, spending sectors m ake you a diva of divvying funds, and at the same time set limits on spending. Set Sector limits by allocating funds to each. Spending is fine, but sectors clear up the picture and keep you from capitalizing on the longing only lump-sum living can provide.

Excerpts from Cheap Ways To... By Jason Boyett, Margaret Feinberg, Josh Hatcher, and Katie Meier, 2003.

Reminds me of how I want to write a book.

Ahhh, the Crazy Life

2007-08-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, life is crazy.

I'll give you the Reader's Digest version:

Husband has new job.

We will be moving to rural Minnesota in the next 2 months, I believe.

I'm keeping my job, at least until I have a baby or the government decides not to fund abstinence education programs anymore, whichever comes first.

I have found my ideal form of exercise: walking with friends. The conversation makes the 40-some minutes go by like about 5...

In-laws are coming for the weekend, but it's not going to be as bad as I thought...they're coming Saturday morning instead of Friday night. God really does answer prayer. I'm not even kidding.

Labor Day weekend...more inlaws.

I move up to 40 hours a week starting October 1st, so I have about 6 weeks of Free Fridays to enjoy.

We will soon be getting a dog. My vote: Mini dachsund. Husband's vote: Golden Retriever. We'll for sure get the Golden, but I still have to work on the husband for the mini doxie.

We will be BUYING A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited that I want to call the realtor right now, however, we still don't know what Chris' salary will be, so we should probably wait on the realtor. I suppose that means we need to meet with the bank as well. Ugh.

I just heard a story that made me smile: a coworker's son or nephew or somebody just got married to the niece of Carold Widman, the owner of a locally-owned chocolate company and at the wedding reception was a PILE of chocolate at the end of the appetizer bar. and when I say PILE, it was described to me as a 28 inch by 28 inch tray, heaped about 14 inches tall with chocolate. The gods smileth upon us.

Okay, well, I've typed so much today that my fingers are no longer hitting the correct keys. I better sign off....

Anniversary: Thai Style

2007-08-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 3rd wedding anniversary. We started our celebrations by going to look at my ovaries, via ultrasound, which was exciting because there was a large follicle developing.

Then we took a nap.

Then we went to the Thai Orchid Restaurant in Moorhead for dinner. That was delictible. We ordered cream cheese wontons as an appetizer. They were not your typical wonton, but were crunchy and amazing, and came with plum sauce for dipping. There was a flavor in the sauce which I couldn't place my finger on, but it offered the best bit of variety in the sweet sauce. I ordered Pad Thai with Seafood (mussles - which I couldn't figure out how to eat, and which looked like little aliens on the half-shell), scallops, shrimp, and squid. I love Pad Thai in any form. I also ordered a Thai Iced Tea - sweetened Jasmine tea with cream. It was simply amazing. Had a bit of a smokey flavor to it. The best part? My stomach didn't hurt afterward. I brought some home for today's lunch, as well. They also offered Thai Iced Coffee, but I figured since it was evening, I better stick to the tea.

We also rented the movie, "Stranger than Fiction," which I loved, because the humor in it was very much like my own - a bit absurd and rather dry. Love it. Will Ferrell is usually not one of my favorite actors, but he was quite good in this one.

Me thinks it time to reheat my Pad Thai.

Taken Aback

2007-08-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those moments, whether it's listening to a song, or smelling a particular aroma, or seeing a beautiful landscape, that take you back to a time in your life when everything seemed nearly perfect? Or maybe it wasn't perfect, but your memory of the time is perfect. I'm having one of those moments right now.

I am listening to my all-time favorite CD - Bebo Norman's "Big Blue Sky," one of his earlier albums. It became my favorite CD sometime in the early fall of 2001, when a friend introduced me to it while we were working at Northwestern Bookstore. I had just moved to the Cities and was enjoying nearly every moment of my life. At some point during that first year, my friend, Bradi, came to visit me and we went to Stillwater to go shopping on a BEAUTIFUL bright, crisp autumn day - you know the kind - they're native to that part of the country where the sun shines off the quickly changing leaves and it's warm enough for just a sweater, and not so cold you need a jacket over that sweater. The air is clean, and cool, and so inviting that you really feel as though its kisses are a faint taste of heaven. Bradi and I walked into the Dream Coat Cafe, only to hear this same CD playing from the speakers in the cafe (it had just been playing on the speakers of my favorite car). I sipped on a frozen raspberry mocha and marveled at the simplicity of how happy I could feel in such an every-day place. I remember walking around the cafe, dreaming of having my own someday, basking in the relaxed atmosphere, and reveling in it's deliciousness. At that moment, I realized how mesmerizing life can be, how beautiful, and yet how simple. It was perfection.

DISCOVERY

2007-08-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally did it. I discovered the root of my ailments. Sugar.

My digestive tract has been giving me problems since the fall of 2001. At the time I thought it was stress of life and full time work and full time grad school. Two years later, in August of 2003, I was undergoing an endoscopy and was told officially that I have acid reflux. A year later, they tell me I also have gastroparesis, which means my stomach doesn't empty properly. Around the same time, they give me some breathalizer tests and find out that I have what's called "fructose malabsorption." Well, all they did was hand me a list of foods I "shouldn't" eat and said that if I did eat them, it "could" cause me some "discomfort."

DISCOMFORT?!?!

Does the feeling of knives slicing your midsection through sound like discomfort to you!?!? (I'll give them, discomfort...with a brick.)

Anyway, each day my stomach gets worse and worse and worse, and finally I went back to the doctor's website and reminded myself of the foods I'm not supposed to be eating, and as I looked at that list, I could remember the things I'd eaten recently that were on the list that cause me great "DISCOMFORT!!!"

Fruit
Fruit Juices
Sweetened milk
Honey (?!)
Maple Syrup (?!)
Corn Syrup
TABLE SUGAR!?!?!?!?
Confectioner's Sugar (powdered sugar)

It's amazing to think that many of the foods I've always enjoyed so much were actually making me miserable. What actually happens is that the small intestine cannot break down sugars into smaller molecular fregmants for digestion. The sugars progress down into the colon where bacteria break it down into short chair fatty acids and the gases carbon dioxide and hydrogen. You can imagine for yourself what happens after that.... (TMI?!!?!?) Going on, though, fructose malabsorption is not only associated with gastro-intestinal distress but also the inability to absorb all kinds of nutrients which can lead to serious diseases likke anaemia and osteoporosis. (www.foodintol.com/sugar.asp). Sheer craziness. Guess I won't be eating sugar anymore...

Anyway, all I can say is this:

For whatever it's worth, I'm going to be very skinny.

Monday Nothingness

2007-07-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

Monday Nothingness
Today is Monday. It's a pretty good Monday. Today, my hubby turns 32! Happy Birthday, Hubby! I think we're going to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight to celebrate and I made him a chocolate cake with Bailey's Irish Cream Buttercreme Frosting. YUM!

So, so, so many things have been happening in the last few weeks! It's been so good.First, Chris has been asked to "candidate" at a church for a youth pastor position. This will take place on August 18th & 19th. I'm sad we have to wait 3 weeks for this to take place, but time will go quickly, I think. We're both very excited about this - we would move there, and the houses are cheaper and it's such a quaint little community. Can't wait!

Second, I have re-discovered the root of my stomach problems, which makes me sound like an old fart, but literally, my stomach hurts almost 24 hours a day. I was so sick of it that I went back to the clinic's website where I used to go in the Cities, and was reminded how I haven't been following the food guidelines outlined there for my particular ailments. So, I'm altering my diet drastically, and things have been much better since doing so! I'm so glad...I don't know why I was so stupid about what I was eating. I guess I still have that teenage mentality that I'm impervious to physical maladies!

I also discovered the root of my health insurance issues and have hopefully corrected this - which makes me more happy than it really should make a person. Insurance is such a crazy thing - all these policies and paperwork and details. I'm just so glad to have it (hopefully) straightened out!!! WOO HOO!

On a slightly sadder note, I have discovered that the end talbes that I really, really wanted from Bed, Bath, & Beyond are no longer in stock and probably will not come back in stock!!! I'm so ticked! If I'd gone the first day of the sale, I would not be in this pickle! However, there is a silver lining - they offer the same little tables UNFINISHED, so, technically, we could buy the little guys and just stain them.I had an incredible weekend. It was so fun and relaxing.

Friday I took advantage of TJMaxx's current clearance sale and found several items of clothing that I love. My favorite find was a Juicy Couture sweatshirt for $24.99. It's pink and has pink chiffon coming out the sleeves, and gorgeous embroidery on the whole back of the shirt. I love it, and consider it the find of the summer. I also bought a really big letter "B" for our wall! It's really cool - probably 20" tall, black and is currently living above our front door. Love it. Friday night we went to Thunder Road or Thunder Alley or whatever the mini-golf place is called in town here. We went with our friends from church for a going away party for Kevin and Danae. They officially moved to Montana on Saturday. I say "officially," because Danae has been there for 3 weeks, and Kevin's been there for 2, but they just now packed up all their stuff and left us. They bought a huge house in Glendive, their hometown. Anyway, we mini-golfed, and I got TWO HOLES IN ONE!!!!!!!! I've never gotten a hole in one in my life! Then, Trish and Cally and I went on the bumper cars, which were so much newer and cooler than the bumper cars were in my day - they had huge inner tubes around the outside where you bumped each other. So fun. I had blast. And the rest of the group rode the go-karts. We went back to Katie and Aaron's for snacks and dessert. It was a fun night.

Saturday was packing and in the afternoon, I got about 100 pages of Harry Potter and the Dealthy Hallows behind me. Saturday night we went to a play at Trollwood - "Thoroughly Modern Millie." It was absolutely fabulous! It was high school students performing and I thought they were better than the musical I'd seen at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater! It was so fun. Sunday we went to church at the church Chris is candidating at. We loved it - it was so affirming to realize that the church where he might get hired is a really good church that we both really liked. The rest of the day I spent reading more Harry Potter - got another 100 pages done. I also baked Chris' cake, and made some Almond Tea.

I also found out something slightly disturbing. Apparently the trees in North Fargo are infested with aphids and when you park under them you always get little tiny sticky spots, which I always thought were sap. Trish, however, told us that those little sticky spots are aphid poop. So, as we were sitting outside under the trees at Trollwood, watching the musical, you could see the little drops of aphid poop landing on you - good times!

My parents are coming to town on Thursday. I have to rearrange my schedule a little, but it shouldn't be a problem. They were going to come the weekend Chris is candidating, so we had to reschedule.

A week from Wednesday, I leave for Denver. Another conference. Should be good. I guess.

I believe this brings me to the end of my ramblings.

Happy, Happy Thursday

2007-07-19T12:04:00.001-07:00

Today is Thursday and I'm leaving work early today. My friend Cass's birthday celebration at work (my old office) is this afternoon and I'm going to stop by and share in the festivities. She'll be 27. 27 was my favorite year so far.

This has been a good week. Monday afternoon was yarn shopping at our local yarn store which happens to be going out of business - sad. Then my Naughty Knitty friends and I had a potluck supper, which was fabulous, and proceded to watch Aeon Flux whilst we knitted. Good times. I really liked that movie, even though I'm not sure I understood everything. I also discovered that I'd made a mistake on the sweater I'm knitting, so most of the evening was spent frogging the mistake and figuring out how to make it better.

Tuesday wasn't particularly eventful. I don't even remember much about it.

Wednesday was a very good informal interview supper for hubby. This is very pleasing. He looked so cute - I bought him a new polo shirt that's got big brown and blue horizontal stripes, and he's tan and he just looked so cute! Then I went to Bible study and talked about God the Judge. That was good, too.

Today I couldn't get out of bed.

Tomorrow I have to work on my day off, but at least I'll get fed while I work. And when I say "work," I mean, sit in a strategic planning meeting. Those are a little difficult to sit through when you're still a very new employee and you're not sure how everything goes.

I got a flier from Bethel Sem on Monday, advertising some new certificate programs that they're going to be offering in the next year. One of them is Sexuality, Wholeness, and Community. I'm seriously considering taking it. It's 6 classes, one at a time for 18 months. Most of it can be done at a distance, although I would have to spend 1 week on campus, 4 different times during these 18 months. That's not so bad, but I'd rather use my vacation days for something else! Maybe we can work something out.

I just heard one of my coworkers say, "I think I'm leaving."

Me too! Me too!!!

Big Fat PROBLEM

2007-07-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

I just had to retire ANOTHER pair of pants. These happen to be pants, that, when purchased exactly 3 years ago, were pretty much too big, and I actually had to pack them away for a period of time when they were so big they were falling off. Now, I can barely get them over my ass.
Damn pants.
Damn ass.
Damnit.

Today...

2007-07-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

I will start respecting my husband instead of tolerating him.

I will speak words of affirmation to my husband, instead of fear.

I will give my husband praise at every point where it is even slightly due.

I will pray for my love for my husband to grow each and every moment of every day.

I will ask God that the bitterness that grew inside of me for so long be replaced with compassion and humbleness.

I will not let my heart be offended, but will pray for an unoffendable heart so that my love does not grow cold.

I will strive to to be healthy rather than be right.

I will embrace the life I live, rather than wishing for it to change.

I will look for joy in my life.

I will not stop doing these things till I am made perfect in Christ.

~vow of a wife recently humbled. by heather. 7/02/07.

Continued Craziness

2007-06-20T17:21:00.001-07:00

Since The Migraine last Tuesday (and actually since the Sunday before it), I have not had any caffeine. I'm pretty proud of this hurdle I have crossed. I still love my coffee, but now if I want it, I'll have it in decaf form. I realize there may be as much as 2% of the caffeine left in the beans, but I'm okay with 2%. That's not much. I've been drinking more iced green tea, which also has a tiny amount of caffeine, but again, not concerned.

Last Friday morning I headed down to the Cities, expecting to have a fantabulous weekend with my friend, Kris. And I did. It was a great weekend, overall, but God was doing something in my heart while I was there. Chris and I have been struggling over where to live. He's been applying for youth pastor jobs in other places and states. I thought for sure we'd end up back in the Cities, even though Chris didn't want to go there, cause, you know, that's how loving of a wife I am. Isn't the definition of love "self-preserving?" Oh, I guess I read that wrong, it's "self-sacrificing." Anyway, I was convicted that we need to pay attention to the important things in life - being able to AFFORD a house to raise our children in with the thought in mind that I might be able to stay home either full or part time. Plus, I DO love my job here. Anyway, I'm not 100% convinced that Fargo is IT for the rest of our lives, but for now, here we are.

So, a recap of my weekend: Friday included a short stroll at Lake Calhoun until Kris overheated and we needed to turn back - it was quite hot that day with no breeze; we also stopped at a vintage clothing store in Uptown, whose name I can't quite recall (it was something like Valia's Vintage Clothing) and from there we went directly to Sebastian Joe's Ice Cream where we were served our respective favorite iced creams by a very rude adult employee. From Uptown to meandered south to the Mall of America where I found a plethora of fabulous clothing at H&M.

Saturday morning consisted of a trip to the Minneapolis Farmer's Market - one of my favorite places in the Cities - where I partook of a cinnamon roll the size of my head, purchased 3 clamshells of blueberries for $5, one clamshell of cherries for $3, and a beautiful indoor strawberry plant for $11.00. It was a very prosperous trip. After we took our look back to Kris' house for refrigeration, we headed down to Roseville to the good old Har Mar Mall, where we hit Marshall's, where I found the most amazing brown dress with large white polka dots, and TJMaxx. We also went to my favorite restaurant, Biaggi's, in Maple Grove for supper where I dined upon Fettuccini with Lobster. It was supposed to be black fettuccini noodles (the waitress said the noodles are colored with squid ink, and does not change the flavor) but they were out of the black noodles, and I had to settle for the plain ones. We also stopped by Trader Joe's, since I'd heard so many good things about that place. I expected it to be a lot bigger than it was. We hit Target on the way home, and both found a couple pairs of shoes. When we got home, we took the dog for a walk.

Sunday morning was breakfast at Panera, a quick stop at Half Price Books, and then Kris and I parted ways. I headed down to Rosedale, for my hair appointment, did a little shopping, and found myself a new hair style. I love it. I love my hair now. I did not love it before. I'm very pleased with this. My hair stylist at Rosedale is the BEST. I also ran into a seminary friend in Borders after my hair cut, so we chatted for almost an hour, and that was fun. I like running into people randomly.

As soon as I arrived back at home in Fargo, I unloaded my loot and headed to Julie and Aaron's for a small group gathering. We played a game, had a fantastic dessert and called it a night.

So, once again, my weekend escapes me. But it was good. This weekend will be interesting to say the least. We are heading to the in-law's to help them re-roof and paint their house.

It's a beautiful evening outside. I should go for a walk. I'll do that after Bible Study tonight.

Migraine

2007-06-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

Oh brother. Today is the day of the Wretched Headache. I woke up with it and it only got worse throughout the day. I went home early, went to the chiropractor, and slept on the couch for 2.5 hours. I haven't had any substantial amounts of caffeine in about 48 hours, and I think this is the root of the issue. My head still hurts at 8:22 pm.
Anyway, on to bigger and better things.

Last week was the craziest week of my life, probably since grad school ended. I had been in Iowa for 4 days, June 1-4. As soon as I got back into town on Monday night, I went straight to the office and saw a client. Then I went right over to Erin's for knitting night, even though we didn't knit - we just looked at Levi most of the night! Tuesday was work as ususal and two hours of clients. Wednesday was work as usual and our community event with the abstinence educator from Colorado, which went swimmingly. Thursday and Friday were both educator training days at the Ramada for abstinence education. Thursday night we babysat for Jaden. Friday night was dinner with Craig, Liz, Jaden, and Chris' parents. Chris' parents stayed with us on Friday night and Saturday night. It was a stressful week, leading into a stressful weekend.

I am looking quite forward to my upcoming weekend in the Cities with Kris. We're going to the Farmer's Market, walking and tanning at Lake Calhoun, and the Mall of America, just to name a portion of our agenda.

I feel like there's a million things I want to write about, but I'm just going to wait for now. I think it might be the fact that I can't see straight.

German Reisling, Ridiculously Long Airports, and Leviticus

2007-05-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was going for a title that would encapsulate the past week of my life.

Last Wednesday morning, I headed out of Hector International Airport, right here in the lovely metropolis of Fargo, North Dakota, on my way to a conference in San Francisco. Having never been on a plane that only has two seats on either side of the aisle, I was unpleasantly surprised at what a horrible landing we had in Chicago. They even made us get off the plane on the tarmack! I suppose the plane was too small to attach to one of the gates? Who knows. Anyway, I then boarded a Boeing 777 and headed for the great state of California. Aside from being a nervous WRECK the entire day (I hate flying), I made it to California safely and in one piece. That night we checked into our hotel, which was a mere three blocks from Fisherman's Wharf on the Bay, and headed down to the Wharf to see what we could scrounge up to eat.

We went into the first place that looked good - Alioto's. It was a fancy restaurant, where I had a glass of German Reisling (I don't know much about wine - is all Reisling German?) and one of the most delicious dishes I've ever eaten: Seafood Cannolini. Scrumptious. Crab and shrimp inside a cannolini noodle with cream sauce. Yum. Then, we had dessert: a fruit tart, which I have to say, was no where NEAR the level of tastiness that Nichole's Fine Pastry delivers. Since it was 11:30 pm (our time) by the time we finished, we headed back to the hotel to catch some zzz's.

The conference was excellent, the accommodations were excellent (the best hotel bed I think I've ever slept in), and the people at the conference were great. In our off time (what little of it we had) we went down to the Wharf to eat clam chowder in bread bowls, or stroll through all the chocolate shoppes. On Thursday night we ate at Neptune's, which was a lot fancier than the guy who recommended it to me had made it sound. I had another fine dining experience which consisted of Dungeness Crab Pasta with tomatoes and asparagus in a Chardonnay sauce, with some sort of Sunset something to drink (read: Bicardi Limon, orange Vodka, and cranberry juice...) and warm rolls of crusty sourdough. I love food.

The trip back on Friday was also uneventful, but still stressful for me. At least at this point I wasn't hyperventilating just stepping onto the plane. And by "hyperventilating," I mostly mean freaking out. Anyway, when we got to Denver, we were told to go to Gate B93, which was about 2.4 miles away from the gate where we exited! Denver Airport is extremely long. So, we hopped on the moving sidewalks, which I love, and headed down....to the END OF THE WORLD. Literally, it was the last gate in the entire place. Then, there wasn't really a gate - just a fenced-in sidewalk area to walk through, then up some steps and into the plane. Craziness. THIS is why I hate living in Fargo. Because the jets that fly into Fargo are miniscule. Anyway, we had to fly around some thunderstorms, which made things a bit bumpy and when we landed I thought for sure we were going to land on top of 19th Avenue instead of on the runway.

All in all, it was wonderful, and I've decided that I'm not going to be scared of flying anymore: I love traveling too much. I needed that break from reality, so to speak.

San Francisco seemed to me to be a rather dirty town. I was discussing this with the guy sitting next to my on our mini-jet to Fargo Friday night. He speculated that since they don't have the four seasons, there isn't snow to wash away all the filthiness on the roads and sidewalks. It was also rather smelly. Being near the docks where all the fish and sea lions live is rather pungeant. But, it was definitely a great experience to have and I was thoroughly delighted to be there.

One travesty: I got some cash from the hotel ATM, and was charged $2.95 for the transaction (which I wasn't too surprised at) then, my bank charged me another $2.00 because it wasn't a US Bank ATM, which I was aware of. All in all, I spent $4.95 for the luxury of having $40 in cash in my wallet. Ridiculous.

Anyway...
I arrived home, and proceded to sleep for 10 hours. Memorial Day weekend was so nice and relaxing. We just bummed around and did whatever. I was also pleased to find out that on Saturday night, my new friend, Leviticus Sloan Evans was born! I've been waiting to meet him for a long time, and he made his rather lengthy debut about 9:45 pm that night. I got to see him the next day, and I have to say, what a beautiful baby. I'm not sure I've ever seen such a perfect newborn. They will call him Levi.

And now, back to reality.

Reality bites.

Are You Going to San Francisco?

2007-05-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

Why, yes I am!

I'm leaving tomorrow morning, and I'm very much looking forward to a change of scenery. The ocean is calling my name...

I also found an amazing-looking French restaurant online that is rated the #2 restaurant in S.F. It's called La Folie, and can be viewed at www.lafolie.com. Check it out. The menu looks other-worldly.

Other than that, I'm going to be spending my day in an airplane or sitting in O'Hare tomorrow, and Thursday and Friday I'll be spending it sitting in a conference. And the somewhat disappointing thing is that it isn't even going to be that warm while I'm there - the high tomorrow is 70, and Thursday and Friday are both forecasted at 65. Bah!

Other than that, I found a new gadget of the day:
http://www.gifts.com/search/product/pee-pee-Teepee?ideaID=6736&prodID=64945

Rather ingenious, n'est-ce pas?

Ah, French. How I miss it.

Tonight's the big finale of American Idol. We're having an AI party at our house to celebrate.

Last night was knitting at Erin's. We made mojitos. It was fun to make them from scratch - I've just used the pre-packaged mix before.

I resigned my position at the Counseling center. I'm looking forward to having the summer be client-free. We'll see what happens in the future. Not going to think about it for a while. I am glad, however, that I will have all Fridays off this summer. I believe I will head down to the Cities a few times for group supervision, just for the continued exposure and support.

I was given a free geranium today. It will live on my balcony.

It's almost time to go home. We're having grilled hamburgers tonight, and Chris has already been plotting his concoction - he's putting bacon in his. Sounds good. I had bacon pizza once. It was good, too.

I'm not worth a whole lot today, mentally speaking. As if you couldn't tell from this post.

I think I'll just sign off, and let the few people who read this move on to bigger and better things.

Update on the Blueberry Krispy Kremes

2007-05-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

I tried one. And it was wonderful.

Shocking.

Revamping

2007-05-09T10:33:00.001-07:00

I believe that this is the year of revamping. I'm going to turn 30 on September 29th this year, and I want to revamp myself before I enter that decade. The numbers are working against me... there's some statistic on gaining weight after 30 even if you don't change a thing about your eating habits...you lose a certain percentage of muscle every five years after 30...your fertility starts declining at 25 and once you hit 35 you're considered "high risk"...your bone density starts decreasing after 30...gosh.

There have got to be good things about 30, however. One of my coworkers, who is my mother's age, said that her friend thought that 30 was the best because she stopped caring what other people thought about her. That's definitely a good thing. Also, I'll still be young enough to do things, but old enough not to do stupid things, hopefully (that's called wisdom, hee hee).

Anyway, the revamping is beginning this week, officially. I have stopped my quest to lose weight, and am now on a quest to be healthy. I actually bought Bob Green's book, "The Best Life Now Diet", because it is such a well-rounded approach to exercise and healthy eating, and it's designed to be a lifestyle change that happens gradually, which increases your chances of keeping it up. Also, it doesn't deprive you in terms of eating, which also increases your chances of making it a permanent change. It's designed so that it's not a diet, in terms of going "on" and "off" of it. It's a way of life, which I agree with on all levels.

I've also finally found my niche in the career world. That's got to be one of the best feelings ever. I'm going to be increasing my hours from 20 to 30 as of June 1st, and as of October 1st, I'll go up to 40 hours. I think I'd be happiest at 35 hours, but we'll deal with that when the time comes. My mentor is encouraging me to really specialize my interests and develop them so that I can be more creative with my career in the future.

We're still working on my husband's career, which obviously affects me immensely, but it seems to be making some progress, so I'm trying to stay encouraged. It's hard, when my desire to buy a house and get out of the stinking apartment is so great, and hinges on his job. There's a lender standing about 3 feet from me at this very moment, talking to our homebuyer educator at work here, and they're talking about qualifying for a mortgage. It's killing me! I know what I want and what needs to happen to get it, but I feel so crippled, because of Chris' job situation! It's so maddening! So, this is an issue that we just simply have to pray about and work hard towards paying off debt, and getting him interviews.

I'm also revamping my spiritual life. I am going through a great "devotional" book (for lack of a better word) that contains excerpts from a lot of the classic Christian writers...Thomas Aquinas, Dallas Willard, C.S. Lewis, and the like. I just read a portion of Dallas Willard's book, the Spirit of the Disciplines, concerning discipleship. It was profound. He spoke to the issue of the American church abandoning the practice of making Christ followers DISCIPLES, by means of the way they live their lives, conduct business and personal affairs, spend money, treat people, etc. Jesus said that you can tell the kind of tree by the fruit it bears. What happens when the American church converts people, and then never teaches them about Christian living - about becoming Christ-like, which is our main purpose on earth here, aside from telling others about Christ? If you confess belief in Christ, but never change your life, are you really a Christian? Some people would argue that you can't help but change your life when you become a Christian, because you know what a sinner you are, and how far off the mark you land - you want to do better. A quote from C.S. Lewis comes to mind, "You cannot stay an egg forever - you must either hatch or go bad." Interesting.

All that said, I'm trying to get my prayer life in better order, my Bible-reading life in better order, and the way I conduct myself both at home and at work in better order. I don't want to look like the world to my children, whenever I have them. I want to look like Christ.

I also have to get my "relationship" with my in-laws under control. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this. All I know is that I don't want to be anti-in-laws when there are grandchildren involved, although I don't know how I'm going to manage it all. I don't have the foggiest notion.

I also have some hobbies that I would like to develop more. I'm doing pretty well with the knitting thing. I'd like to do more with my new digital camera. I'm taking belly dancing lessons right now. I'd like to get back into yoga. I'd also like to start exercising WITH my husband. I'm always more motivated to do something when he's doing it with me...applies to cleaning the house or doing dishes, too!

Overall, those are the things I'm doing, and it's feeling good so far. It's a process. And my process is processing. I'm happy about that!

I think I'll go make myself some peach ginger tea!

There's Krispy Kremes in the kitchen. It's a good thing most of them are blueberry, cause I think that sounds nasty.

Surrey with the Fringe on Top

2007-04-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting at my desk, gazing at my two beautiful, vibrant orange gerber daisies. It was my own little treat to myself today. They're even sitting in an orange vase.

Yesterday Chris and I went to Lindenwood Park to go for a walk, and instead rented a "Single Surrey" to ride around the park for half an hour! A Single Surrey is a cart-like aparatus, that you pedal with bike pedals, small bicycle tires, a steering wheel, and a hand brake. A Single Surrey fits two people. A Double Surrey fits four. We took off down the little hill, and Chris peeled around the corner such that I thought we might capsize! We didn't, of course, and went on our merry way. Then he thought it would be a good idea to go up a hill to get to a different path. We basically didn't have enough leg power between the two of us to get the thing up the hill! It was absolutely hilarious. So, we put the brake on, waited for the innocent pedestrians to get out of our way, and backed down the hill! Then, we needed to turn around in order to get back to the rental place, so Chris says, "Quick! Up the embankment!" So he turns and we go up. Then he take the brake off, we go backwards, and he slams the brake on again, so hard that the front wheels came off the ground several inches! I couldn't stop laughing - it was the funniest thing I'd participated in for quite a while. It was good exercise, too! It's a good thing I trust my husband's driving...

I'm not sure if it's worth noting that my in-laws were here this weekend. In fact, I think blogging about it will just upset me further, so I'll just leave it at that. They were here.

The weather was friggin' gorgeous this weekend. Saturday couldn't have been more beautiful, and Sunday was almost as nice. I love summer. I said to Chris yesterday on the way to church, "It's like everyone here just goes into hibernation from November until the end of March or April." He actually agreed with me, "I can see why you'd say that." (He RARELY agrees with me when I make observations like that. Drives me crazy....)

I now have yet another baby shower to attend. This will make 4 in about 2 months! And this one's the first girl of the bunch. She's already made her debut to the world, back in February, but she also lives in Iowa, so we've had to wait for a time to gather to shower her!

Well, I think that's about it for today. I'm going to continue gazing at my daisies.

I had the best weekend...

2007-04-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously. It was awesome. And the best part? I didn't really even do anything. Friday night Chris and I just putzed around the house, and I got in a couple episodes of What Not to Wear. Saturday we slept in, which was glorious, of course. I was so tired on Friday night that I couldn't even fall asleep right away. Don't you hate that? But Saturday was great - we lounged around, I ran some errands, we went to a couple really crappy garage sales in the afternoon, and I got groceries. Hornbacher's had strawberries on sale 2/$2.98, which is almost unheard of, so I picked up 4 cartons of those, and went home and made strawberry shortcake! YUM! We also went to see "Wild Hogs" at the theater. That was pretty funny. Strange, but funny.

Sunday was church, and that was strange, too. I feel like I'm an alien with that group of people. It's like, I walk in the room, and they're like, "who is this strange creature?" I brought Chocolate Babka to Sunday School and they were all curious as to what this strange and exotic bread was all about, apparently some had even googled it, which I thought was hilarious. Somedays I'd like to quit church. Anyway...

We took naps on Sunday afternoon, I went shopping and bought a couple pairs of jeans that actually fit me (I can NEVER find jeans that fit...EVER...and since Chris just put one of my TWO pairs that actually fit me in the dryer, I was down to one pair. I couldn't believe they shrank that much.). We had a very yummy homemade pizza for supper and putzed around some more. Took some junk to the garage, cleaned out the coat closet, cleaned the kitchen. I got in a couple more episodes of What Not to Wear. I'm so addicted to that show. I was saying to the receptionist this morning at work, "So I love What Not to Wear. I even have a friend who basically does that for a living in Seattle. It looks like SO much fun. I'd love to do that, not that I'm the latest authority on what to wear, but it looks like a blast. But, what vocation do I choose??? Abstinence education and counseling. People getting STD's and having affairs and getting divorces. GROSS! How NOT fun is that?" Very not fun. Granted, I love abstinence education, but some of the stuff I have to read...boy, makes me never want to have children... Anyway, I digress.

But you know what the best part of the weekend was? On Sunday night, I wasn't DREADING going back to work on Monday. I love my new job, and that makes me happy. It's a wonderful, wonderful blessing to be able to go to bed on Sunday night and not lie there thinking, "I hope the morning never comes!" (Or at least comes really late.)

I think I have several more weekends of delicious relaxation coming up in the next few weeks. Although, apparently this is the time of year for all the babies that are being made right now to come out of their ovens, because there are baby showers galore! I had one last weekend in the Cities, I have one this coming weekend at church (baby already out of his oven), and one on the 12th (baby still baking). And the funny thing is that they're all boys! So, what this means is that I'm having a lot of fun going shopping for the presents. I bought my first shower gift recipient a Boppy and two newborn gowns. I haven't shopped yet for shower gift recipient #2, but she's registered at Target. I was going to buy something really COOL for shower gift recipient #3, but someone bought it the same day I was going to buy it, darnit! Oh well, there will be plenty for me to buy yet.

Well, this is a lot of rambling about absolutely nothing. Maybe I'll ramble some more. I like rambling. Rambling clears the head. Keeps the thought-process de-constipated. I guess....

Tonight I'm going to be knitting with my knitting friends (they used to be church friends, but then we switched churches, so now they're knitting friends). I'm looking forward to that. There's always good, or at least interesting, conversation with this group. I enjoy that very much. They are definitely the most interesting group of women that I know. I like that. It keeps me on my toes.

I ran out of work to do about 30 minutes ago. I still have to sit here for another hour and 49 minutes. I'm so sick of data-entry, I could puke. Puke, puke, puke. I remember, when I was a kid, I had this book about a girl with a learning disorder and she was mad one day, so she went to her elementary school and wrote, "School makes me puk!" (Sans the "e.") So the next day, everyone knew she'd done it, and they were all going around mocking her by saying, "Puk, puk, a duck puk." I don't have the foggiest notion of why that just popped into mind. I used to say that sometimes, though, "Puk, puk, a duck puk..." Kind of fun to say.

I'm trying to sell some stuff on ebay. I've never done this before. It's interesting. So far, nothing's happened. But I realized last night that I didn't put a description on half of my stuff, so that's not helpful. I've only got a day or two left on the auction time, or whatever it's called, so I hope they let me list it again.

Well, I think I have reached the end of my rambling. I'm going to go check out my ebay items. Maybe something was bid on today!

It Is Finished!

2007-04-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

My afghan is finally done! I finished it over Easter weekend when I had lots of time in the car. I feel so accomplished! That was a huge project.

Oh Lord, Why Me!!

2007-04-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

The time since I last posted has FLOWN by. I do love working full time again, since I love my new job so much, and I enjoy being more occupied during the week. It's been a busy time. I am going shopping tonight after work, then home to take a walk with my hubby since it's finally nice outside (!) and then I'm going to just stay home and do whatever I want. I've been taking a personal inventory lately, and I'm realizing that I'm much more high maintenance than I ever thought I was. I'm not that way emotionally, but just in the amount of time I need to sleep and rest and be able to do my own thing...I need a lot of that time. I still don't enjoy getting up before 8:00, but I guess that'll come with time.

Anyway. More to the point of what I was going to say.

I made a quick trip to MSP on Sunday. Left at 8:00 am and got home about 9:45ish that night. The reason for my trip was a baby shower for my friend, Dawn. It was a good trip, but it was hard.

First of all, I practically bawled my way down to the Cities, which is pretty unlike me. I'm not much of a crier. Anyway, I took a couple of my favorite CD's and sang and prayed and enjoyed the sunshine and nice weather. I arrived in Roseville at 11:30 to have lunch with Kris at Rosedale at the new Panera there. I get out of my car, glad to be back "home," and proceed to be hit on by a passing male. This is exactly what I didn't want. I completely ignored said male and trucked it right into Panera where I partook of a very tasty personal-sized quiche. It had spinach and bacon in it and a flakey crust and I could have eaten 4.

Kris and I strolled around the mall for about an hour after lunch. It was nice to be back there. We both bought $9.99 clearance sweaters at Express, and shared a White Chocolate Truffle Frozen Yogurt at TCBY. It was fun, and not nearly long enough.

Then I went to the shower, which was held in one of the brownstone apartments on Summit in St. Paul. The apartment was awesome, although very small, and there were 35 women. It was good to see Dawn and her belly. She's 7 weeks away from her due date. It was all somewhat surreal. I sat with several other women my age whom I had attended church with "back in the day." They all have children now, too. One even has twins. Crazy.

Then I had to drive home.

I drove thru town on 94 and looked at all the places I used to go on a regular basis. It was like grieving all over again. That's where I want to be, for the rest of my life. I would be happy as a clam to move back there right now. I came home and poured my frustration out to my husband, and we are at a complete roadblock; an impasse. He hates the Cities as much as I love them. I don't want to be anywhere else. I even went so far as to say I wish I'd known this before we got married, but that doesn't do me any good now. He even said that he had to "tolerate" living in Fargo. He wants to be out of town, in the countryside. I wish he knew this about me before he asked me to marry him: I grew up in the country. I hated every moment of it. All I ever wanted was to be where the action was - to be with my friends, where I could bike to the pool every day, or walk to school. No, I had to ride the bus where I was tormented every day, and I had to stay home during the summers all by myself. Sure, my mom would take me into town several days out of the week on her lunch break, but I also knew that was a burden for her. Not that I loved the town where I went to school. In fact, I don't care for it much, and would never want to live there. But it was the only place I could go to see friends and have something to do. Sure, living in the country is peaceful and beautiful. When you grow up knowing that you're a city girl at heart, it's pretty disheartening to find out that your husband will never allow you to live where you want to live.

And, yes, it's my own fault that we live in Fargo to begin with. Had I not wanted to run from our stuck-situation in the Cities in want of jobs, we would never be here. My mother said that to me over the phone not long after we moved here. Chris isn't a man of action, and so her thought was that if I hadn't gone forward with wanting to move to Fargo, we would never have left, because Chris never would have gotten it done. I tend to agree with her. However, this does not do me any good, either.

Then, I think: Who am I looking out for? Me. I'm not taking Chris' feelings or wishes into consideration. Except, it's really hard to do that, cause the one thing I want, he doesn't want, and the one thing he wants, I don't want. So, and I've said this to him several times, one of us has to live where they don't want to live and not be pleased with this situation. (Actually, what I said was, "So, that means, if you get to live where you want, then I have to live here and be miserable for the rest of my life." Or vice versa.) So what IS the answer?

Do we move to Seattle? Do we move to Kansas City, or somewhere that isn't tied to one of our personal desires? Chris sarcastically said (after I told him how I want to be where the action is and where there are loads of opportunities and adventures), "Then why don't we move to Paris?!" I said, "GREAT! I'd LOVE to live in Paris!" (He didn't think before he said that, I'm pretty sure.)

So, here we are again. There's a really, really good looking youth pastor position in Eden Prairie right now. I could definitely handle living in E.P. I want Chris to apply. If I leave it up to him, I know he won't do it. There are 3 youth pastor positions open in town here, but two are at a Lutheran church, and to be quite honest, neither one of us is very interested in that, although we should check it out before we make that decision and NOT apply.

I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that the life I want to lead is not in Fargo. I know there might be people who read this and say, "The life you want should be wherever your husband is." Well, that's all fine and good, if you don't have dreams and aspirations in your life, but I do. I don't think I had to check my brain/personality/ambition at the door when I got married.

Maybe there isn't an answer. I even think it might be different if we had moved here for Chris' job that he loved and he was in ministry and loving it. But right now, it's not different.

Life and Death

2007-04-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

It's 9:51 p.m. on Easter Sunday evening. Husband and I arrived home from Iowa today in record time. I think it was 6 hours and 10 minutes or something very close to that. I accomplished a LOT of knitting on this trip, which I am very pleased with.

The trip was...good...all in all, but it had its moments. First of all, it started much later than we had planned on. We were going to leave on Friday morning at 10:00 am, so as to arrive home shortly after 4:00. However, my uterus had different plans and decided to leave me curled in a ball on the bathroom floor for nearly an hour, where it took 800 mg of Ibuprophen and a 15 minute intercessory prayer from my mother to make it behave. I fully believe in the power of prayer like I never have before. Thanks, Mom.

Anyway, we left town around 11:30, and got home about 6:05. The trip down was exceedingly uneventful, which basically is a good thing, however, we decided to take the free car, since, even though it is 18 years old, it has 33,000 less miles on it than our good car! But, the "Service Engine Soon" light came on while we were driving east on 494 towards 35W. Didn't think much of it.

Saturday morning, we pulled into the driveway with Mom (coming back from a trip to the nursing home to visit Grandpa) and Husband noticed the free car had a flat tire. So, since it's Saturday at about 11:44am, we have 16 minutes to find a place to fix the flat, before we're stranded in Iowa until Monday! Luckily, the feat is accomplished and the tire is fixed. However, we are not finished with the trials with Mr. Free Car. Later than night, when Husband tries to move it so that my dad can pull his car out of the garage, it decides not to start. Repeatedly. Luckly, Husband is a farm boy and knows how to handle a cranky car. He gets it moving and we are able to drive back safely to Fargo today.

Now, I need to back track.

Mom had to put her dad in the nursing home a few weeks ago. Up until then, he lived in Des Moines/Ankeny all his life. He now resides in Dumont, which is the little, tiny, dumpy town about 5 miles from their house, where she works. He has dementia. He has congestive heart failure. He cannot control his bowels, because he refuses to eat most days. He has always been a very strange man; difficult to get to know, easy to get frustrated with. I haven't seen him in probably 4-5 years, which is sad, but not having much of a relationship with him, I didn't care all that much, unfortunately.

But, I felt that since we were in town, we should go and pay him a visit, knowing he could be completely dingy, or super crabby or whatever. What I was not prepared for was what I saw.

I walked into the Dumont nursing home with my husband and my mother. I'd been in the nursing home a million times, having worked at the local pharmacy as a teenager, where I had to deliver meds from. I could see him laying on his bed from a distance. I recognized the light blue jeans which he always wore with a large belt buckle and a western-style shirt tucked in - you know, the shirts with the pearly buttons. He was asleep on his bed. It was about 11:15 am, and his lunch was sitting untouched on the tray near the bed. He was a waif. Never weighing much over 140 most of his adult life (that I had known him), he looked as though he'd probably lost 20-30 pounds. His skin was splotchy, and I could see his veins in his forehead. They were very prominent. He was breathing heavily. He looked so small, laying there sleeping.

Mom approached and touched his leg and said, "Hi Daddy, we came to say hello." He didn't stir. She took off her coat and put it in the chair. "Hi Daddy, are you going to wake up?" He made a noise. His breathing became more labored. He kind of opened his eyes, but he wasn't awake. This went on for a few minutes. I was thinking, "Let's just leave the poor man alone - he's obviously uncomfortable and is probably escaping the pain by sleeping." I turn to walk out the door and he opens his eyes and looks at me. I said, "Hi Grandpa," and waved with a smile. He didn't really see me, or at least it didn't seem like it. He closed his eyes again. Then he stopped breathing all together.

"Good God," I thought, "is he going to die right here, right now?" It was so strange. He didn't breathe for at least 10-15 seconds, which seemed like an eternity, and then he sneezed - twice. That woke him up enough for him to register that he had visitors. Mom said, "Look who's here." I said, "Hi Grandpa," again. He looked at Chris, "Who's that?" (He'd never met Chris.) "I said, this is my husband, Chris." Chris said, "Hi Bill." Then Grandpa launched into something about the car and is Chris old enough to drive it, and he's only 51 himself and needs to get his license renewed (a common conversation topic), and how we'll have to get your dad down here...and I didn't follow most of it. Mom could understand what he was saying, and I found out later, he was asking if I had his car, because she had once mentioned something to him about giving it to us, which they had (it's the "free car.") He also said, "Something's wrong. What's wrong with me?"

Anyway, somewhere in this strange, 30 second conversation, he closes his eyes again, and starts shaking, something that apparently happens because he's starving himself. I said to Mom, partly out of pity for him, and partly out of my own uncomfortableness, "Let's just let him sleep." I didn't know that sometimes it could take him a half hour to wake up. Had I know that, I would had stayed longer, because it seems that he knew it was me standing there.

So, we ended up leaving. He opened his eyes once again after we'd left the room and I think he saw us standing in the hallway. Then he just kind of stared off for a few seconds, and then he closed his eyes again. Then I felt bad, like we'd abandoned him. It was awful.

We spoke with the nurse for a minute who said all he'd eaten that day was a snack cup of pudding, and half a cup of coffee. Makes me wonder if they ever give him water.

We got back in the car and I didn't know what to say. It was horribly sad, even though I didn't ever have much of a relationship with him and even though I hadn't seen him in years. I could still hear his voice inside when he talked - sounded like my grandpa. I cried later, at the sad sight I'd seen. This shell of a human, who used to be a functioning being, is now reduced to a nursing home, where they monitor his bowel movements, and feed him pudding, like a child. His wedding ring was on one of his fingers; pictures of his first wife (my maternal grandmother, whom I never met because she died the year before I was born, when my mom was 26) were in the room, along with his old dog Tiki, and me and my parents. The legacy of a life not well-lived. It was a sad commentary.

I didn't know if I should try to go back today before we left for home. I didn't really want to go. It was so horrible to see him like that, yet, I felt I'd deserted him yesterday, mostly out of my own anxiety. Yet, Mom maintains that he didn't really care that I was there at all - he didn't even say hello, he just asked about his car. Yet another telltale mark of the selfish man he always was. I'm wondering if he had a personality disorder that made him the way he was - unsociable, hard to get to know, strange, unloving. I guess we'll never know. I don't even know if I'll see him in Heaven someday. Mom said that when she was a young girl, they joined an Evangelical Free church and one day some of the men from that church came and took her dad away for the afternoon and when he came back, he never drank, smoke, or played cards again, or at least for a long time. Not that those are the marks of a saved individual, but something happened. I know for a fact that he's been mad at God for a long, long time, wanting God to take him so he wouldn't have to live anymore.

None of it makes any sense, and none of it makes me feel better.

However, there was life on this visit, too. Not just death.

The earth was awakening from the winter - there was green grass (something we've not seen in Fargo since September...). There were crocuses (croci?) blooming near the front steps. The pussy willow was starting to show its little fuzzy buds. The tulips were pushing their leaves thru the dry soil. The lilac was budding. I found hope and beauty in this. Interesting how two opposites can exist in the same realm, so close to one another. Inside the nursing home, where my grandfather lays, dying, outside, the earth is showing signs of coming back to life after a sleep thru the cold winter. "Both, and" as Carla Dahl would say. Not, "either, or."

The last time a relative of mine died, I was in the 5th grade. I was sad. It was my Uncle Harold. But I felt detatched at the time. I suppose that's how a 5th grader deals with it. But now I have to watch my poor mother take care of a father who never acted caring towards her, who only gave her anguish and rude words. How difficult that must be, yet I know she can't leave him there. The bond of a parent and child. Survives nearly anything.

I hope Grandpa goes to Heaven.

Let the Games Begin!

2007-03-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Here I am! It's been over a week since I've written, and I didn't even notice the time go by! It's so new and strange to be working full time again! And actually, I'm working more than full time...let's see, probably 45 hours, which isn't terrible. I'm having to adjust my regular daily activities - I was cooking at 11:00 pm last night so that I'd have lunch today! Haven't gotten home before 10 pm the past two nights, but the late nights were because of social outings, rather than work. I'm glad to be productive and busy again. It feels good. It's too bad that my poor hubby is sitting at home, unemployed, for the time being.

Let's see...last night we went to Kevin and Danae's apartment for supper and to watch American Idol. I missed the first three contesants - I was sad to miss Lakisha. Anyway, I really wished I had missed Sanjaya. He's just RIDICULOUS! I'm embarassed for him! The hair last night was abominable, and his performance was SO high school talent show that he shouldn't even be there at all. It's really amazing that he did so well in the early parts of the competition, yet is failing so miserably now. It's just ridiculous. I can just see him winning, however, and then some poor record company has to give him a record deal, and nobody buys it. I sure as heck won't!

Monday night was knitting with Erin and Kiersten. We had a really good conversation about relationship with God and devotional lives and prayer and church and, and, and...it was good. Sometimes it's just good to bounce your thoughts and frustrations and struggles around with other people, and it seems that since we've left the Seminary, we haven't had as much of a chance to do that, which is probably only to be expected. Sometimes you just need a perspective.

Tonight is Belly Dancing, which I really enjoy, but would rather stay home tonight, since I've been gone so much already this week.

We're trying to make decisions about jobs and businesses and life and all that crap. Husband has been offered a job at NDSU, but it pays crap, and there's no room for advancement or raises, because it's all grant monies. And if he took it, and we signed me up for benefits with the University, we'd be paying another $5,000 for me to have insurance, which brings his salary down to about $10 per hour. Not good. And I just can't see taking the job just because it's a job and it's there. I guess I'm not one to go do just anything for the sake of doing something. Maybe that's wrong, but that's how I am. He's going to be checking the business opportunity out in more detail Friday, so I think he'll be able to make a better decision about all of this once he has more info on the business opp. I guess the bottom line for me is this: For once in my life, I'd like to get ahead! The job at NDSU just won't allow us to do that. But the risks we'd take with starting a business are scary. I just don't know.

Some evil person brought springtime cupcakes to work today. They've got the green colored coconut on top with three jelly bean eggs. Yum.

I don't think my email is working. I haven't received an email in about 5 hours, and that's really strange. I can't remember going more than a couple hours without receiving email! That's right - I'm an addict. It's true.

It's a rainy, windy, cold day here in Fargo today. Not much enjoying that. Soaked my pant legs walking around this morning.

All for now. Over and out.

Unfortunate Bathroom Location

2007-03-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting at the front desk for my little afternoon receptionist job, which is in very close proximity to the bathrooms and it smells badly. Pooping is such an unfortunate thing that humans have to do. I wonder why God made it so that it smells badly. Couldn't he have made it so that it has no odor at all? Or even maybe a pleasant odor? I also think it's funny that your pee smells after you eat asparagus. And don't beets turn your pee red? I remember once as a small child that we had grown some beets in our garden and ate them for supper. Afterwords, my dad's pee was red, and mom was all worried that he was dying! Okay, that was probably TMI.

This week marks the end of my easy schedule life. I'm actually going to have to get up in the morning. Imagine that. It's actually going to be pretty crazy - I'm going to be working 8-11:30 at Make a Sound Choice, 12:00-5:00pm at FLCS, and Monday and Tuesday evenings doing therapy. Monday nights is also knitting night, so I will be gone from 8:00 am till probably 10:00 or 10:30 pm on Mondays now. That's going to be crazy! And Tuesdays will be only slightly better. But, I'm not complaining, I'm just realizing that this is happening, like, this week. I'm actually kind of excited.

I'm also hoping to be able to drop my private practice. Last week I didn't have any clients, and I was a happy camper. This week I have a lot, and I'm totally dreading it. There's a couple people I don't mind seeing - women who come in just to talk and reflect and ask for suggestions on being healthy. That's easy and fun. But when it's the we're-going-to-get-a-divorce-unless-you-help-us people, I'd rather be doing something else. I was talking to a couple from our small group; he's in medical school, and his current rotation is inpatient peds. He hates it. What he's noticed is that so much of the problem seems to be socioeconomic status. It's the kids who live in dirty houses, whose parents don't know how to take care of them, who smoke even though the children have asthma, or who give the kids pop and chicken McNuggets when they're sick when they should be giving them chicken noodle soup and orange juice...they're the ones who end up in the hospital. Anyway, he's experienced parents who won't bring their children into the hospital for CHEMOTHERAPY, so the hospital has to send the sherriff. I asked him how he deals with it personally. He says he just does what he has to do and sends them on to the next person. He says that he can't care about them or he wouldn't sleep at night.

I see myself in much the same position. There's times when I have dreams about my clients, because their situations concern me so much. I have to stop caring. Isn't that sad? Maybe that's just how it is. It's a job; it's a service. I can't give myself to them. I can't come into their lives and fix them.

My point, however, is to get involved in the speaking arena and be traveling the country talking to teens and teachers and parents about abstinence and relationships and sex. I want that to be my focus. I just don't think I was made to be a therapist.

I was watching the Food Network this morning while I was getting ready, and Bobby Flay was doing his Boy Meets Grill show. He was doing a vegetarian menu. At the beginning of the show, he was shopping at the green market in NYC. Then he went to his rooftop garden and was grilling everything - veggie pizza (he grilled the pizza dough, which I thought looked wonderful), apricots with chocolate and almonds (I've got to remember that one!) and some kind of salad. Anyway, I thought to myself, "What a life!" He gets to cook for a living. He owns 3 restaurants in NYC, he has a couple shows on the Food Network, and he gets to go shopping at the farmer's markets anytime he wants. It just seemed like such a charmed life. I always dreamed I'd have a cool life like that, but then I became a Christian and decided that I needed to serve others rather than myself. I was going to be a professional musician...live in NYC, too...travel the world...have an apartment in Paris...play with NY Phil.... They were pretty grand dreams. Sometimes I look back and wonder...what if? Honestly, I could still do it. I could pull the old French Horn out and oil the valves, and spend the next 6 months practicing and getting the old chops back in shape and audition for something. But the competition is fierce, and it's that competition that makes me crazy - it used to drive me. I loved the competition, because I was always the best, but then, after while, I wasn't the best anymore, and that was hard. I don't know if I gave up, or if I really was interested in something else. Sometimes I wonder how such a dedicated and accomplished young musician could give it all up and become a therapist. I guess by the time I stopped, I wasn't so dedicated anymore. When you're a musician, it's really who you are - it's in your soul and in your whole being. So how was it that I don't do it anymore? It was really fun while I was doing it, though. I traveled, and was really making something for myself in college. I guess if I was dedicated, I wouldn't have quit. However, I don't regret my training as an MFT, that's for sure. I wouldn't be the person I am today with out it. Hmmm....memories.

Life is a crazy thing. There's so many twists and turns, good decisions and bad ones. Detours, road blocks, short cuts and freeways. Do you ever get to a place where you can just coast for a while? I suppose that happens from time to time. It seems that while I was growing up my parents had a pretty easy go of things. Sure, there was never enough money, but they were never worried about changing jobs, or moving, or fulfilling dreams. I wonder what the difference is between me and them? Ah, I take that back. After my dad became a Christian, he wanted to go to Seminary and become a pastor, and my mom and I put the kabosh on it as soon as the words came out of his mouth. I actually feel pretty bad about that, looking back. Maybe they didn't have dreams? That hardly seems possible. Maybe they were just smaller dreams. Who knows. I do know that my mother told me once that I am her purpose in life and her reason for living. That's kind of heavy duty, but I think I understand the essence of what she meant.

Well, that got rather philosophical. It's been a long weekend and a long Monday, that's only half over. I'm thinking of moving to France.

The Weary Traveller

2007-03-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe I'm not all that weary, but yesterday husband and I went to Iowa to pick up a free car. He was going to rent a car and drive down but when we called to get the car Monday morning they were all out. I decided to go with him and we left at 8:30 am, drove to Mason City, Iowa, had a Coke with Dad and Aunt Margaret for about half an hour, and headed back up north. We hit the Twin Cities right at rush hour, but only had about 5 minutes of gridlock before we hopped off 494 to get a Jamba Juice with our friend Mike. We stayed at Jamba for about an hour, and that was just the right amount of time that it took for traffic to let up, and we drove right out of town with no problem. We arrived home at 9:45pm. It was a long day. But now we have a second vehicle, and we're pretty happy with ourselves for being frugal!

For those of you who thought I was going to Chicago this week, well, I was. Until last Thursday. Last Thursday and Friday I attended some training for my new job. I don't think I've mentioned that here. I got another part time job, and I'm really, really excited about it. I'm working for a program here in Fargo that trains teachers to implement an abstinence program in the schools. My position is Educator Supervisor. I'll be evaluating the teachers to make sure they're complying with the guidelines in the grant. It's a government funded program, and it amazing. I listened to Shelly Donahue from Wait Training out of Colorado on Thursday and my heart was immediately ablaze with passion for this program. I feel like it was one of those "A ha!" moments in life where you suddenly realize what you were created to do. I am pursuing Shelly now to see what the possibility is of coming on staff with her and her co-founder. My goal is to travel the country, speaking in schools and with parents about the issues surrounding abstinence and good relationship skills for teens, as well as to write a book, possibly for parents about how to raise sexually healthy children. The program is so amazing. So, Thursday night I realized that I need to FOCUS. If I'm going to pursue this with all my heart, I should probably not attend the play therapy training this week. Not to mention that charging about $2,000 on a credit card to attend the training when my husband just quit his job is probably not a good idea. So, I cancelled. I feel good about it. I was looking forward to this adventure, but when I look at where I could be going in the next months or years, I'm not disappointed at all.

My best friend, Kris, came up from the Cities to visit me last weekend and we had a grand time! Friday night she got in rather late, after sitting in traffic on 694 for a while, then having to stop for supper and sitting in the drive-thru line at Culvers for over 15 minutes. She was not a happy camper! But, we rented a chick flick that turned out to be really dull, and knit on Friday night. We also had our popcorn with Reese's Pieces and Diet Coke, which is our little ritual. Saturday we started the day with a quick trip to Target, then breakfast at Nichole's Fine Pastry, which was delicioso. We hit the fun little shops downtown Fargo, went to Moorhead to My Best Friend's Closet, where I must have been bitten by something because my lip swelled up like I was Angelina Jolie, and then went to the mall and Old Navy. We also stopped by Carol Widman's for some Chippers! It was a good day. We had a light supper at Taco John's, and then spent the evening knitting and watching a bit of TV. Sunday morning we had a quick breakfast at Starbucks, and then she headed for home. It was a really fun weekend. Gotta love girl time!

Some friends of ours are due to have their baby on Saturday! They're having a boy. Everyone I know who is pregnant right now is having a boy - Evans', Sundberg's, and Hines'! It's crazy! Speaking of that, I was invited to go to my friend, Dawn's, baby shower in April in the Cities. I can't wait to see the bump in person!

I believe that ends the news for the past week. I shall sign off for now.

To the Moron Who Stole My Amazon.com Order

2007-03-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Moron,

I hope you enjoy my Michael Buble, Josh Groban, and Norah Jones CD's. They were a gift to me from my aunt. Merry Christmas to you! I hope you feel good about having taken someone else's present, someone else's enjoyment, someone else's property. They were not yours!

While you listen to them (or sell them, which is probably more likely), I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpit hair.

Sincerely,

Ticked Off

Newness

2007-02-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while, and the funny thing is that the other blogs I watch haven't been updated in a long time, either. Must be the weather. (???)

As my post is titled, "Newness," I want to say that things are looking good. I was offered a new position on Monday that I immediately accepted. I'll be working with teachers who are teaching abstinence in the school systems. It's a government-funded program, and it's really solid. I'm so looking forward to this job. Unfortunately, I won't be very busy until this fall. Apparently there are only one or two schools implementing the program this spring, but upwards of 17 or more in the fall. So, in September, or maybe even before, I will be able to quit my afternoon desk job to be able to have more time to do this! I'm super excited. It's going to be great experience and a wonderful thing to have on my resume, especially since I'm very interested in pursuing this topic further, possibly in the arena of writing a book or curriculum, or some such thing. My ultimate goal is to make it onto the Today Show with whatever I do. I'm not kidding.

Chris has a few resumes out right now, but the thing he really, really wants to do (youth pastoring, of course) probably won't be available until May or June. Really, that's not a long time from now, but it would be nice if it happened sooner. I guess I've been skeptical about him getting this position, because he's been out of the ministry for a couple years, but I just know that I've really got to trust God on this one. The way I see it, as a human, this would be the absolute perfect job for Chris, and from what we've heard, the benefits are amazing, as well. So it would be double blessing.

Another happy thing is that I changed my diet up last week to include only fruits, vegetables, non-fat dairy products, lean meats, and whole grains, and in only 6 days, my clothes are fitting better. I haven't been able to up the exercise yet, but I've been drinking more water, which is definitely good, and I hope in a week or two, to be able to take up swing dancing, to add to my new belly dancing lessons, and that with the both of them I will enhance my weight loss efforts.

My in-laws are coming to town next week. Mother-in-law is having her knee replaced. Apparently after the incident we had a few weeks ago, my point was made, as they have arranged for a hotel room the night before the surgery, and have already made plans to have my father-in-law stay with my brother-in-law a couple nights. Husband invited father-in-law to stay with us a couple nights, too, which, honestly, doesn't bother me...for three reasons. The first reason is that the trip is very necessary. Mother-in-law can hardly walk, and she's been like that since long before I met her over 3 years ago. Secondly, since father-in-law made arrangements to stay with brother-in-law, I don't feel so imposed upon - see, we moved to Fargo a week before our nephew was born, and so the inlaws stayed with us 3 times the first three weeks we lived here. I do understand that they wanted to come to the hospital and see the baby. Fine. Not a problem. And I also understand that prior to our moving here, brother-in-law and sister-in-law had the burden fully on them for hosting the family. However, when we moved here, the burden was shifted SOLELY to us. And, again, I do understand that the first 6-8 months that the nephew was around I'm sure they didn't want to bother the little family. However, had m & f -in-law even attempted to stay with them even a few times during this past year (the child is now a year and a half) I wouldn't be half as irritated as I am. The third reason that I'm okay with this visit is that it's only father-in-law. I can handle him much better than I can handle his wife. Anyway, that was a lot of babbling, and half of it probably didn't even make sense. Whatever. It's just another episode in the in-law battle. I'm scared what's going to happen when we finally have kids...

Back at the ranch...my parents are finalizing the sale of their farmland tomorrow. It's only about 40 acres, but I think it's going to be weird that the land isn't ours anymore. It's also bittersweet because that land was going to be mine someday, but my parents really need the income for their retirement. And, considering the amount of money land is going for in Iowa, it's a wise sell. And I guess you've got to figure that "you can't take it with you." Apparently they're going to get my dad a Buick Park Avenue, which is something he's wanted forever. Strange, I know. They're also going to take a trip to Florida in August. After that they're going to revisit the idea of moving to Fargo. I guess I am of two opinions concerning that matter. First, if we have kids, I think I would really like my parents close because I grew up without grandparents for all practical purposes, and really feel like I missed out on a special family relationship. It would also be nice to have them around for childcare reasons. My second opinion is that I would like to NOT have to put my parents in a nursing home if it were ever to come down to that. If they were close, it could probably be avoided more readily than if they were still living in Iowa. So, we'll see.

More to ramble about....this morning in BSF, the lecture included a brief (very brief) overview of the 4 different ideas concerning the end times, the second coming of Christ, and the tribulation - Premillenialism, Dispensationalism, Amillenialism, and Postmillenialism. The overview really did little to help me sort the four out, but it reminded me that I find the topic interesting and may do some research on it in the near future.

Oh...it's only 3:05... I don't have much to do at work today. I did it all the first hour and a half I was here. I guess I'm really not complaining. It allows me to write in my blog. And balance my checkbook. And make fliers for counseling. And call the pharmacy for a refill. And...

Unfortunately, I have to go to Wal Mart after work tonight. There are few pharmacies on this side of town, and the one I usually go to, which is located inside my grocery store, always used to be out of what I needed, so I decided that since my current Rx is a little on the strange side, I'd go straight to Wal Mart instead of dealing with the whole waiting game. I hate Wal Mart. It's dirty and more impersonal than any other store in the world. It's the epitome of everything that is going wrong with America, as far as I am concerned. I go there as little as humanly possible. Husband loves Wal Mart. Luckily he does very little shopping, so my trips there with him are few. Blech.

How much more can I ramble on?

Ah yes. I'm a die-hard American Idol fan. When it first came out, I was sure it had something to do with the mark of the Beast, and I refused to watch it. My second year of seminary, when the depression hit and all I could do was watch TV, I started watching it. Last year, I started voting. This year, I'm voting again. I love Chris Sligh. He's so funny, and he's got a great voice. He's the kind of person I hung out with in high school. Yes, I was one of the weirdos...a band nerd...I listened to classical music every day...I was President of French Club... Anyway, I'm rooting for the guy with the personality. I like people like Chris. He's not afraid to be unique and I admire that in people. I used to be more like that myself. I can't wait to see the girls perform tonight.

Well, I think I have exhausted my useless information for the day. I do love blogging. I don't care if I don't have the most exciting news or events or anything. It's just fun to type and get your thoughts out on the screen. I am sure that it will lead me to write a book soon. I can feel one brewing inside of me!

A Veritable Cornucopia of Useless Information

2007-02-16T14:27:00.000-08:00

The title refers to my high school French teacher, who once told us that's what his friends called him. I like the words veritable and cornucopia, so I decided I like the title.

It's been a good week. I had some good therapy clients this week, and was busier at my other job, which is a nice change. It's been SO boring lately...there's been very little to do. The week before, I think I may have done 2 or 3 hours of ACTUAL work, out of 24 hours that I was here. Oh well. What can a girl do? So, it's nice to have been busier.

I just signed up and paid my $675 for a training workshop in Chicago that I'm attending in March. Luckily I have frequent flier miles so my plane ticket will be free. The only thing I'm hesitant about concerning this training is actually GETTING there. I'm a horrible flier. I used to have to take tranquillizers! Not cool. They didn't even help that much. And do you know what's funny? I'm always worse on the way home than I am on the way there. And what's even more funny? I LOVE to travel. I would vacation all the time if I had the money. It's just the plane stuff that I hate, but I must get over my fear, because I refuse to allow fear to dictate my life!

I Tivo'd Oprah from Monday. I'm sure many of you know what she was talking about. She had this woman from New Zealand who created this new DVD called, "The Secret," and several of her cronies were with her. The message of The Secret has to do with the Law of Attraction, which I don't know a ton about, but I understand that we all have an energy, so to speak, that we emit, and because of this energy (it can be the expression on our face, the things we say, our posture, etc.) we attract certain things to us. Take myself for example. I've been kind of Eeyore-ish lately. The cloud is always following me around. Well, that's what I've been getting out of life - clouds. After watching this show, I actually decided to change my attitude, which has always been a problem for me, from conception, and you know something interesting? I got a job interview today! And it's for something that I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, and I could tell the woman was SUPER pumped about interviewing me. She even complimented my column that I write for the West Fargo paper. Now, I'm not saying that it was the power of positive thinking that got me the interview, but I do think it was a funny coincidence. Of course, the people from The Secret would say there is no such thing as coincidence. Basically this isn't a new message - I've heard it before in singles books - you attract what you project (if you're happy, you attract happy people, if you're critical, you attract critical people, etc.) Before I get a barrage of my Christian friends telling me I'm crazy, let me say this: I think what they're saying has a lot of validity to it. They, however, have taken it a little to the extreme, and one guy has basically made a religion out of it (Dr. Reverend Michael Beckwith, to be precise). Anyway, I think it does have some good points to make and it gave me the little kick in the pants that I needed! So, I'm glad for that.

I also found out today that I must regroup and rethink my dieting/fitness plan. I have gained yet another 3 pounds, and I am now only 4 pounds from my ALL TIME HIGHEST weight. I am NOT pleased. The funny thing is, I'm not eating any more than I ever have, so I'm afraid it's a combination of lack of exercise and some meds I'm on. That said, I'm starting belly dancing next week! I'm pretty excited about that. I discovered that dancing is good exercise a few weeks ago when we went salsa dancing and I figure if I can sweat while enjoying myself, and not hating every moment of the exercise I'm doing, then I'm going to go for it!

Well, it is time to go home. We are having friends over for dinner tonight, and I must go to the grocery store (Hornbacher's! HA! I think that name is hilarious!) and get the fixin's!

Bathroom Thoughts

2007-02-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

I had to chuckle to myself as I thought about the title of this post. The pastor who married us asked beforehand if we had any requests or restrictions for him in terms of what he could say as he spoke at the wedding. I made it very clear that I wanted no jokes and no funny business. I always think that pastors who begin the wedding ceremony with a joke have no class whatsoever - it's a WEDDING! Get a clue! Anyway, as Sid opened his mouth and the words, "Today I want to talk about something I read on a poster in the bathroom today before the ceremony. I'll call it Bathroom Theology," I nearly died. You can see my expression on the video tape - my eyes widen and my chin drops ever so slightly. Anyway...I just had a thought in the bathroom, and since this isn't a wedding ceremony, I felt it appropriate to title my blog by my epiphany.

As you know, my dear husband and I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster since he graduated from seminary, back in June of 2005. We've been in Fargo now for 17 months with only ONE job prospect for said husband, and it has yet to become an actual position. Anyway, I keep having these thoughts, "If only Chris could find the right job. If only I could find a better paying job. If only we could buy a house. If only we could buy a truck for Chris. If only, if only, if only...." And I never thought of myself as a person who bases their happiness on material things, but I was suddenly struck, in the bathroom as it were, that I'm putting my hope in our jobs. My hope is not in Jesus Christ and his death on the cross, where it should be. My hope is on our job situations! I think about this more than I think about anything else, even God. (Except, maybe, to be mad at God for not fixing this whole strange arrangement, and for blaming him for allowing me to move to FARGO!!) I constantly compare our life to everyone else's life, which, of course, looks so much better and happier than ours.

What would it mean to take my hope off our jobs (or the idea of having the perfect job)? All my life I've been confident of my abilities. I could almost always secure exactly what I wanted for myself. That's not the case anymore. I wonder why it was so easy before, but now it's not. I don't really know what's different. I guess I'm in a different bracket than I used to be. I suppose there's a big difference between being chosen for first chair in the All State Orchestra and getting a professional job. Anyway...that's beside the point.

At what point do I stop putting my hope in our jobs? I suppose it should be right this second, because this hope is not paying off at all, and it's misplaced. Now, while it's okay to hope for things - I still hope that we get into better situations - I have to stop staking my future happiness (or present happiness) and my dreams and my life in the things we can attain or achieve. What if God is allowing this burp in our lives to happen to teach us to put our hope in him? I'd say that I'm pretty dense, because it's been a long time, and I haven't learned it yet! Plus, I'm doing the exact opposite: I'm doubting him and blaming him and getting angry with him and giving him the silent treatment. This really hasn't gotten me far. I'd say it's put me back...a lot.

So, what now? It seems like it could be a very freeing thing to stop placing my hope in myself, since that is essentially what I'm doing. I guess in our world, we have to place our hope in something and these days you can't depend on other people too much so it might as well be yourself, right? Problem is, I'm not of the world. That means I can't live that way. I've been given a higher calling.

I'll let'cha know how it goes...

I think this must be part of the refining process that we go through as Christians, and for me, this is a particularly hard area. All of my heathen life (age 0-19), I grew up being told I could do and be anything I want. This was a kind of salvation for me, coming from a fairly poor, lower middle class family. I always knew I was going to rise above my upbringing and achieve and do the things my parents didn't do. The funny thing is, I've not done that, in any way, shape or form, at least vocationally or financially. And, in case you've forgotten, I'm going to be 30 this year... hee hee...

Hmmm...

Tired of Vanilla

2007-02-05T11:48:00.000-08:00

Vanilla: "Lacking adornments or special features; basic or ordinary"

I'm tired of vanilla. I'm tired of being vanilla. I'm tired of a vanilla life. My life is vanilla in more than one way.

The first type of vanilla that I am tired of is the puckered-up, stoic, stubborn Norwegian environment in which I live. It's sucking the life out of me! People don't want to talk about their problems, they can't forgive people, they don't want to go to counseling when they need it. It's very frustrating for a therapist (and a German).

The second type of vanilla that I am tired of is the vanilla-skinned atmosphere in which I live. We're all very, very white here in Fargo, North Dakota.

The third type of vanilla that I am tired of is my life. The past 17 months of my life have been extraordinarily odd. I'm used to being busy and being involved in everything, trying to suck as much out of life as I can. I don't know if it's me or what, but that hasn't happened here for me. Not that I want to be busy for the sake of being busy, but I'd like to be involved, and taking part in life! The funny thing is that I AM involved here...knitting, BSF, church, small groups, YMCA (even though I've taken a small hiatus). I guess I still haven't gotten used to the fact that I'm not working 40 hours a week, plus going to grad school full time with all the homework to do, and then doing worship team at church and leading small groups all at the same time. I guess maybe it's okay to have a little extra free time. I guess when you get used to a certain way of life, it kind of sticks!

I think I know what's missing, though...

...

I began reading a book (I just typed "boog") entiteld, "Keeping a Princess Heart in a Not-So-Fairytale World" by Nicole Johnson. She's one of the Women of Faith girls. It's a good book (I just did it again - typed "boog!"- I wonder what type of Freudian slip that is...) and it speaks to the way that women deal with reality, the fairytales that we read and believed as little girls, and that the ultimate fairytale is really true - Jesus Christ came to woo us to his side, his bride. Good stuff.

I also gave my husband the ultimatum last night. I told him he must start applying for youth pastor jobs, no matter where they are. There happen to be several in Iowa that are quite appealing. I never realized what a nice city Sioux City is - it's bigger than Fargo/Moorhead! Impressive. It's a long jont from there to the T.C's, though, so that would be a bummer, cause part of the road is two-lane, from the looks of it. Sioux City is directly south of Fargo, in I-29, about 4.5 hours, according to Mapquest. You know what SOUTH means!!! Warmer weather! I'm all for that. But, this happened because I was cleaning last night after we came home from the Super Bowl party and was thinking that what we're doing now CANNOT continue. It's killing Chris; it's killing me; it's killing us. I refuse to live this way anymore and I refuse to watch Chris waste his gifts, and talent and education doing his manual labor job ANYMORE. I've decided that I can set up shop pretty much anywhere, so it's Chris that needs to find the job in order for us to settle. I don't know what all this will end up meaning. I'm not counting on anything. I just know that he has to do this, and it's time to shit or get off the pot!

So there!

Today is my dad's 62nd birthday. He's already been retired for 6 months. He's living the good life. He sits at home in his chair and reads a book all day long. That's the good life, in his eyes. He told me a long time ago that he's always wanted to be a hermit. I find this amusing. Now, he is kind of a hermit!

When I got on the computer this morning at 8:45, the Weather Bug said it was -22. That's disgusting. DISGUSTING.

Well, I guess it's time to go for now.

Rules for Interacting with the Rest of Humanity

2007-01-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

1. DO NOT, under any circumstances, call a place of business and begin the phone call by saying, "Uh, somebody called me from this number, who was it?" There are several reasons for this: 1) The receptionist is going to answer the phone. The receptionist, as much as s/he hates to admit, is not telepathic, and cannot enter the minds of his/her fellow employees in order to know whom, from the entire office of people, called you. 2) The receptionist does not sit in close proximity to the rest of the employees and cannot quickly yell over the cubicle wall, "Hey, who called Joe Schmuckatelli?!?!" 3) The receptionist IS NOT, under ANY circumstance, going to get up and go around asking people WHO THE HELL CALLED YOU!!

2. Do not make phone calls whilst chewing gum.

3. DO NOT SMOKE CIGARETTES! They make you smell! VERY VERY BADLY!! It makes people want to run away from you, screaming and holding their noses!

4. Do not go to a marriage therapist and expect them to tell you to get a divorce!

5. Do not stop in the middle of an intersection for a red light, procede to have a conversation with your proctologist, and then MISS the fact that the light, for which you are waiting in the middle of the intersection, has now turned green and the poor soul waiting behind you has to honk their horn to make you go forward!

6. When living in Fargo, North Dakota, do not think that you will be able to make the yellow left turn signal light when you are still half a block away from the intersection. This does not work in Fargo, North Dakota, because the vortices of all trafffic lights cross here, thus making the yellow lights shorter than anywhere else in the world.

7. DO EXPECT that when you go through said yellow left turn signal light, and it turns red before you are through the intersection, that you will be charged and honked at vigorously by any driver who now has a green light to cross the intersection, yet cannot cross, except by way of going THROUGH your vehicle, because you are stupid enough to cross said intersection on an old yellow light, in Fargo, North Dakota.

8. If you live in an aparment building, DO NOT play video games with the volume level at 37 at MIDNIGHT!

9. If you live in an aparment building on the second, third, or higher floors, DO NOT walk like you are an elephant across the floor. Do not lift up your refrigerator and slam it onto the floor. Do not drag said refrigerator across said floor, at any time of the day or night. Do not have sex loudly at any time of the day or night. Do not vomit loudly at any time of the day or night. DO realize that your neighbors below you can hear you peeing at any time of the day or night.

10. If you are pulling into a parking spot at Wal Mart, and there is a shopping cart in the way of you being able to fully park, and you get out of your vehicle to move said shopping cart, hitting both your vehicle and the vehicle in front of yours whilst moving said shopping cart, and then get back in your vehicle to park fully, DO NOT LEAVE SAID SHOPPING CART IN THE PARKING LOT! If you took the time to move it out of your way to park, take the extra 1.64 seconds to grab the thing and take it up to the store or to the cart corral!

If any of these rules does not make sense, or you need clarification, this means that you are not allowed to: 1) use the phone, 2) chew chewing gum, 3) smoke cigarettes, 4) get married, 5) drive, 6) drive, 7) drive, 8) live in an apartment building, or anywhere else where other people live, 9) see 8, 10) shop at Wal Mart or drive a vehicle.

Thank you, and good night.

I switched!

2007-01-26T11:22:00.000-08:00

I switched over to the new version of blogger just now, and I can't tell much of a difference. Guess I'll have to play around with it a little bit.

I found an interesting quote the other day:

“ God shapes the world by prayers…The prayers of God’s saints are the capital stock of Heaven by which Christ carries on His great work on earth….Earth is changed, revolutionized, angels move on more powerful, more rapid wing, and God’s policy is shaped as the prayers are more numerous, more efficient….God’s conquering ways are when God’s saints have given themselves to mightiest prayer.” (E. M. Bounds)

I've been thinking a lot about prayer over the past couple years. Specifically, how feable I feel my own prayers are, and how inneffective they must be (this is what my own perception is). What is prayer? What is a "relationship with God?" That's the evangelical catch-phrase. How does one know one has a relationship with God? What is effective prayer?

It seems that our society has watered down Christianity, and I struggle with that. It's hard to live in the world and not be like the world. You think to yourself, "Oh, well, nobody else is doing all that much, so I guess I don't have to, either." But that's so not true.

I think about the E.M. Bounds quote, and it's encouraging. A lot of times I feel that prayer really doesn't change much or isn't worth it. Romans 8:34 states that Jesus is at the right hand of God "interceding for us." That's amazing. I guess that's proof that he is our high priest. Roman 8:26 states that the "Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." What an interesting thought! The Spirit groans on our behalf! The last part of the sentence on Romans 8:27 states that the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. That verse befuddles me. If God's will is what God's will is, then why does the Spirit have to intercede for us? Strange.

So, I think part of my, well, not really resolution for the New Year, but something along those lines anyway, is that I want to expand my prayer life. I have a book on praying the Scriptures which I find very intriguing that I might employ, and maybe I'll look into Mr. Bounds, as well, since he seems to have good things to say.

On another note, Chris and I went SALSA dancing on Wednesday night! It was great! It felt so good to get out and do something different! I can't say that we were great at it, but Chris said that he would rather swing dance, so I think we're going to start taking swing dance lessons next month. I actually believe I have found a new form of exercise that I can tolerate sweating for! My friend Erin invited me to the salsa dancing, and she happens to be a belly dancer...almost makes me want to give that a shot as well. I was surprised how un-loose I am. Let me explain what I mean. When we had a little group lesson at the salsa dancing night, the lady showed us how to move our hips, and I have to admit, it felt a little risque doing that! It was good for me, I think being in this stuffy Skandinavian country has made me become a little stuffy myself. No more! I must salsa!

It is 2:25 pm. I feel like I've been sitting at this desk for three years. Gah.

Tonight we are going to some friend's house for a bon voyage party for a couple in our small group - they are leaving for Africa! They are going to be gone for a month to Uganda and Rwanda. It's a trial run to see if they want to become full time missionaries. Becoming a missionary has never been one of the things on my list of things I'd like to try. Guess I'm just not made of that kind of material!

I am also going to experiment with some wild game this week. I'm going to make BBQ venison this week, which I actually really like (I don't care for venison usually), and I'm going to make Goose Fingers, which is just strips of floured, fried goose breast (Husband informed me that people call them Salamanders! YUCK!), and also some honey-fried pheasant. I figure, the meat is in the freezer, I better do something with it. I have a tendency to let it sit there, because I'm not much of a wild game fan, but it's a nice way to save some money on groceries.

My new camera is on it's way to me right now and I can hardly contain my excitement! I've researched digital cameras for the past several months, and finally found an acceptable camera in my price range. I had wanted something with a good zoom on it, but the zoom makes the price go up. I found a very nice Kodak Easy Share Z710 on Dell.com for $215.00. I got free shipping and with tax it came to about $228. I'm very pleased. This is $35.00 cheaper than I could have purchased it for at Target or Best Buy. I'm hoping it'll come today, but my guess is that it'll be Monday.

Well, I best be off. Must go fix something the silly postal service didn't like.

The Cheesey Bacon Cheeseburger

2007-01-24T10:42:00.000-08:00

Last night Chris and I decided to use one of our many giftcards we received for Christmas, and we went to TGI Fridays to dine out. Since I happen to be a connoiseur of cheeseburgers, I took it upon myself to try the Cheesey Bacon Cheeseburger...and it was delicious. It consisted of the burger patty, topped with Monterey Jack cheese, topped with applewood smoked bacon, topped with a BREADED, DEEP FRIED SLICE OF PROVOLONE...*sigh*....

I have decided that I can be classified with that group of people who love all things edible...Foodies. Husband does not understand.

Husband and I are still trying to figure out our lives, as I've written about in several blogs. Last night we had a heated conversation about careers and passion and life. We've both noticed something that has happened in our lives since Seminary. We both have lost our passion. I used to think that becoming a marriage therapist would be the end-all, be-all, or however that saying goes. I considered it my passion, even though I had never performed marriage counseling. But, I have had my eyes opened. Frankly, marriage counseling SUCKS. It's awful, and horrible, and ugly, and honestly, I would like no part of it. People only come to see a marriage therapist, when there is no hope left. They don't come when things are just basically difficult and they're having a hard time. They come when someone has had an affair and one member isn't sure they want to continue the marriage. I'm sorry, but no amount of marriage counseling can bring that back if one party isn't fully involved in the process.

Husband thought he was passionate about youth ministry, especially college ministry, but he's been hit with so many dead ends, that he doesn't know which way is up. Is he still passionate about it? He's questioning. He thinks about it every day. But no amount of praying or thinking has lead either one of us to any conclusions.

So what caused this leakage of passion? I'm inclined to say Satan is behind this mess. That's not to escape responsibility, because I still say we're responsible for getting it back. But sometimes I think we underestimate the power of the enemy in our lives. For two people who strongly felt they were CALLED into these occupations and ministries, to feel like the lifeblood has been sucked out of us and that we can't make a decision to save our lives, I can hardly think that's God urging us to feel that way! I suppose it could be, but it doesn't make any sense in my head.

So, the question was brought up last night, "If becoming a youth pastor is your desire, why aren't you doing everything within your power to make it happen? Why aren't you applying for positions all over the country, instead of waiting for something to become available here in Fargo?" (There's been ONE full time youth pastor position become available in the year and a half we've lived here, and he's got his resume in for it, although it sounds like they're not sure they're actually going to be hiring...) He didn't know, although he said he realizes he should be doing this. There's nothing holding us here. We never see his brother and sister in law, who live in town. His parents stay with us all the time (which is reason enough for me to move!!! Just kidding...sort of...yeah, I'm not kidding...).

I guess for me the bottom line comes down to this: do we stay here, searching for jobs in our fields for the rest of our lives, not having any guarantee that this will ever happen? That sounds like financial suicide to me, for one thing. And suicide in many other ways. Chris only wants to live here so he can hunt and fish in North Dakota. Just writing that sentence makes me want to cry.

The worst part is that we've got my parents asking us what we're doing, because they want to move to Fargo to be near to us. I do want them close, but this is just getting really difficult. I can't even guarantee them that we're going to be here in 6 months, or 2 years, or 10 years. As if it's not hard enough to figure out our own lives, we have to figure it out for their sake, too.

So that is the story of us for the past 2 1/2 years, really. That's about how long this has been going on. It has to get better sometime, doesn't it? I guess it probably doesn't.

In the meantime, I think I'd like another Cheesey Bacon Cheeseburger.

2007-01-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

A few things have happened since my little diatribe of self-pity on Monday. I don't particularly like the self-pity mode. I don't think anyone really does.
First of all, I had a really fun time on Monday night with my Naughty Knitty friends. We covered a myriad of topics from fertility (a regular subject) to pooping, from doctors to in-laws. It was a very interesting evening. Much to my liking.
Then, Tuesday afternoon, I was completing my BSF study questions. The passage was Romans 8:28-39. The question asked my thoughts concerning why Paul included a passage from Psalm 44, and I just wasn't seeing it, so I started discussing the issue with a friend at work. We decided the passage had to do with suffering and trials and persecution. It was really a lightbulb moment for me that changed my view of my "situation." Instead of sitting here, blaming God or getting angry with God for not acting in my life, I'm realizing that there could be a very real form of "persecution" going on with my husband and myself as we send out our resumes which have Christian stuff all over them. It made me aware of a different way to look at my life and the events that are taking place, and mostly, to stop blaming God. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:38-39)
Next, I was offered a job last night that I never even applied for. I'm not going to say a lot yet, as I haven't decided if I'm going to take it or not. I'm definitely praying about it and making sure that I'm not just taking a job because it's a job, but that it's the right job for this time. It's a good job, though, and I'm seriously considering it.

In other news, I had my annual physical this morning. Going to the doctor has changed for me over the past few years. Being a mental health professional, I have an expertise of sorts when it comes to an area of knowledge. At the doctor's office, I don't have that expertise, although I do strive to make myself knowledgable and aware of different issues concerning women's health and reproductivity, both out of curiosity and necessity. So, it feels weird to be the person that people come to when they need answers concerning their relationships or their mental health or their children, and then be in the reverse position when I go to the doctor. It's really made me examine my attitude toward clients and how I come across to them. I even sent out a questionnaire last week asking all my clients from 2006 to give me feedback on how they felt about the services that I offered. While my doctor is very friendly and intelligent, I sometimes feel he answers my questions too quickly or passes over some of my thoughts. Having run into doctors and therapists who don't like their clients to be well-educated, I always wonder what he thinks of the fact that I'm researching the medication he prescribes for me, and am well aware of how long my luteal phase should be, etc. I suppose I could ask him...

I think that completes my ramblings for today. I have an afternoon of nothing to do ahead of me and a candy jar full of M&M's sitting right in front of me. This is not a good combination...

Why My Life Sucks...By Heather

2007-01-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

How's that for a title? That's kind of what I'm feeling like today. In taking stock of my life, I have decided it sucks. I actually could write an essay on it. I don't want to complain, but I want to vent.

I remember reading a children's book when I was a little girl, the title of which was, "The Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Very Bad Day." I still remember the first line: "I went to bed with gum in my mouth, and now there's gum in my hair." The kid was kind of an Eeyore in the book. I kind of feel like that today, like I have a black cloud floating around above my head.

For starters, I've been dieting for the past two weeks. I didn't lose anything the first week, but I attributed that to mother nature. Today I got on the scale and had actually GAINED two pounds. How does that work? I said to my husband, "This is just the icing on my proverbial cake. I try to do something good for myself and I end up doing just the opposite." I give up.

Last night, I made my mother cry. It was one of those conversations that you have to have, but you put it off for a long time. Well, I had put it off for too long. Now she thinks that I don't want her and my dad to move up to Fargo and that she's supposed to stop being a mother. It was literally as if I had some sort of sci-fi gadget attached to my mouth that translated the words that I was saying into different words that she heard. It was bizarre. Tres bizarre.

There are no jobs for a youth pastor and an unlicensed marriage and family therapist in Fargo. I look in the paper every damn Sunday, hoping, hoping to see something worth applying for. I've sent out 2 resumes in the past 6 months. That's how bad it is. Chris has sent out one resume in the past 6 months, and the job that he applied for isn't even a real job yet. And it may never be. I've had it. I've just completely had it. And, even though there are TWO, count them, TWO jobs that I would LOVE to have in the Twin Cities area, I can't apply for them because my husband won't move back there. I asked him the other day, "Are you willing to work at DirecTV for the rest of your life if it means that you can live in Fargo?" He said that there's nothing worth working at DirecTV for the rest of his life, but his actions indicate otherwise.

I also can't seem to get my relationship with God worked out to a place where I actually feel like I have one. I've spent much of the past 2.5 years being mad at him, and it's taken it's toll. I thought I had stopped being mad at him last spring, but it's back. My husband says that it's okay to be mad at God; I get mad at my husband sometimes and that's okay. Well, I understand that, but I've never been mad at my husband for 2.5 years, and I imagine if I had been, it would be very detrimental to the relationship. Don'tcha think?!?!

An old lady just came into the office and growled at me! That was scary.

I think there needs to be one of those Office Max "easy" buttons for life - everytime you need an answer to something you just push the button. So far, prayer and my own brain power hasn't been able to figure out what to do about all of this. Joyce Meyer says that the number one thing that keeps people from being blessed is disobedience. I've scoured my life for disobedience and am working on that, too. Maybe there's something I can't see.

What spawned this blog of awfulness was reading my friend's blog this morning of all the good things that had happened in his life over the past year. I looked back on my year, and had ONE thing worth mentioning. That felt kind of depressing. I like movement, change, growth. Growth is good! I keep wondering what God is trying to teach me through all of this...patience, perseverence, trust, faith. Probably all of the above. Maybe I'm not so good of a student.

I need a latte.

It's 2007...Amazing...

2007-01-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

I started this post several days ago when my weekend with my in-laws was still fresh in my mind. I had included a bit of the drama that had taken place over New Year's weekend, and how I hope that when I'm an in-law with adult children that I am a good one. Now, that I've had some time apart from the situation, it's really laughable, but at the time, it was ridiculous. I'll spare you the gory details.

And, despite the craziness of Sunday night, the ball dropped, and it's 2007. We all survived and life is moving on. And the worst part? I turn 30 this year. Unbelievable.

I've come to some conclusions concerning some of the thoughts I've been sharing on my blog here. I've talked a lot about work and jobs and how I've been disappointed with that entire area of my life since graduating from grad school. It's been confusing and frustrating, not being able to find what I had expected after finishing my Master's degree. But I've learned a lot about myself.

I've learned that I've had an easy life. Everything has come easy to me, and while yes, I've had to put in the hours, the hours have't been difficult. In anything. School was easy, college was easy, grad school was easy. Okay, maybe it all wasn't EASY, but it certainly wasn't daunting or difficult. No, I'm not a straight A student, but I could maintain a good 3.333 with minimal effort. When I was in junior high and high school being a really good musician was very easy. I enjoyed the work, and I believe that I enjoyed it because it was rewarding. There were always contests to win and medals to get and honor festivals to attend. I went to them all. I had a full tuition scholarship to college because of it.

Then something happened. I began to see that I had to WORK for what I wanted, and for some reason, that work freaked me out. It wasn't enjoyable. There were other things I'd rather be doing, and what had once come so easily, wasn't so anymore. So, I quit.

And, in a nutshell, life has been on this repeating pattern of trying different things, looking for something rewarding and fulfilling, yet not too difficult, and it's left me with my hands in the air, wondering what happened to my determination of earlier years, and also wondering why I'm not sitting in the New York Philharmonic with my French horn!!!!

So, it's time to make some changes. I have to learn that being uncomfortable doesn't mean I'm going to die, and doesn't mean that I have to run. I have to learn that perseverence is what we're called to, especially as Christians. I have to learn that running doesn't solve anything, and certainly isn't something I want my children to learn to do.

So, 2007 is going to be a prosperous year, hopefully in more ways than one. I'm looking forward to growth and movement and change. Even though I'm going to be 30.

Christmastime

2006-12-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

I've not been a faithful blogger this month. It's been a busy month, although I've had little to do. Not sure how that works out. However, I just returned from 5 days visiting my parents in Iowa for the holiday. It's good to be back, although it was a nice visit. Not very exciting, but nice. I did, however, eat a lot and sleep a lot and I came home with some good gifts. My favorite two things were my beautiful Christmas card from my husband (awwww....) and my hefty gift card from my parents to TJ Maxx (which I spent this morning in less than an hour!).

Friday we spent upwards of 7 hours in the car whilst venturing down to the great state of Iowa. We stopped in the Cities to have lunch with our friend, Mike, at Noodles & Co. I LOVE Noodles. Their Pad Thai is delicious. We also had to make a stop at Cabella's in Owatonna, for the hubby. He was looking for black powder items, for his gun. He's going to begin making his own bullets for this gun, which, in the long run, is quite frugal of him.

When we arrived in Iowa, my mother wasn't home from work yet. We were sitting in the East Room (that's what we call the TV room, because it's on the east side of the house) and Mom came home and walked straight into the East Room and just stood there staring at us and smiling. "Hi Mom." She started gushing, "You guys are a sight for sore eyes!" (Actually she said something like, "You guys are sore eyes!" But I corrected her.) If you can help it, don't stop having children after just one, and if you can't help it and have only one, please don't stand and stare at them like you've never seen them before when they're 29 years old.

Saturday we were back in the vehicle, heading southeast to Cedar Rapids, where I met up with three of my girlfriends from college, Jolene, Sara, and Ann. Jolene is almost 8 months pregnant, Sara is a 3rd grade teacher and single, and Ann lives in Grand Rapids wtih her husband where she teaches band. I usually only get to see these girls a couple times a year, so any time with them is time well spent!

Sunday night was the Christmas Eve Service at my parent's church. I say "my parent's church," because it is not the church I grew up in. My parents left that church a few years ago, I'm glad to say, and are now a part of an evangelical Lutheran church. The Lutheran part isn't important, the evangelical part is. Anyway, it was filled with people I grew up with and it was weird. I'm sorry, there's just something weird about seeing people you went to gradeschool with walking around with babies and toddlers and children. And I always have to wonder if they really ENJOY living in our hometown. As it was, I couldn't wait to get the h*ll out of there!

Monday was presents and preparing Christmas dinner, both of which were nice. The dinner was tasty and my grandparents were able to come and eat with us. We actually had a really nice time with my grandparents, who are getting up there in years, and it was good to be able to sit with them for several hours and just chat. I only see them about once a year. That's how it's always been, even though they only live 1 hour from my folks. My parents and I have always made our friends our family, rather than being uber close with our family. Not sure why that was.

Tuesday we got up and left, only to drive the 6.5 hours back to Fargo. We made really good time, so that was pleasing to my rear end....

I'm quite glad to report that I didn't have that sinking feeling after all the presents are opened and after the company leaves the house. I think it's the first year that hasn't happened. I guess Christmas isn't nearly the big deal that it was when I was a kid. It's just a time to enjoy, and to thank God for sending his Son to be born a human to walk the earth like us. I made sure to try to be thoughtful of that as I went about my day on the 25th. Otherwise, Christmas truly is just a materialistic day where you eat too much and get presents that wear out eventually. THAT is incredibly depressing, I must say, and for those who don't have Christ as their Savior must have that sense of dread down in their souls. That question, "Is this all there is?" lingers in the back of my mind, from my days before Christ.

This coming weekend is more Christmas celebration, with my husband's family. That always produces a sense of dread in my soul, as well. But, there will be spear fishing, so I will be glad to be sitting out on the ice, waiting for an unlucky fishie to come my way so I can spear it. I hope it's a walleye. But, on top of more Christmas celebration is the New Year's celebration as well, and it always gets overlooked since we're doing the Christmas thing during that time. I've always hated New Year's, especially when I was younger. I didn't drink, so that made that holiday very uncomfortable for me, and often very lonely.

I'm looking forward to a New Year. I'll leave the New Year's talk for another blog, but I am looking forward to it. I'm turning over some new leaves, so that's exciting. I hope everyone who reads this (all three of you) had a Christmas worth remembering.

December

2006-12-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

December has been a relatively good month so far. First of all, it's Christmastime, so there's hot apple cider and those yummy little sugar cookies in my office. Well, maybe that's not all good, as I seem to eat several of these little cookies each day, probably adding to the width of my hips, but, hey, in less than 2 weeks, it'll all be over, so I suppose it's time to indulge oneself just a little. It's not like I'm eating 14 cookies each day. Four, maybe, but not fourteen. There's also a beautiful poinsettia sitting in front of me, and I just had a really morbid thought: what if I ate one of its leaves? They say that poinsettia leaves are poisonous. Hmmm....

Anyway, what else has made December a good month? Well, I got to see my best friend at the beginning of the month and we went to the Mall of America, which was fun. I had a job interview a couple weeks ago, and have another one on the 27th. Husband learned of a promotion he's being offered at work (we think - one can never be sure with this company), AND of a church that might be hiring a full time youth pastor, all within about 48 hours. That's somewhat exciting, because either way, we get to buy a house! Which then means we get a puppy!

I've been continuing my acupuncture, and that seems to be showing some results, which is good. I'll go, maybe for the last time, tomorrow. Monday he stuck the needles in my head! I consequently have had a headache for the past 3 days...that was not good. When he went to remove the needles from my head (they were in the back of my head, near to my hairline behind my ears and down by my neck) they didn't want to come out. Apparently the muscles can respond by clinging to the needles. Weird.

I'm almost finished Christmas shopping, and now I'm moving onto the baking realm. I made a batch of peppermint snowball cookies on Saturday when Husband was off killing animals. They are a Christmastime MUST in my family. But aside from those, I'm trying some new recipes: Three Chocolate Bark with Spiced Pecans and Dried Cherries from the Food Network's All Star Christmas Gifts show. This one's from Emeril. Read the recipe - it looks DELICIOUS! I'm also going to try another recipe: Spiced Candied Almonds by Michael Chiarello. Good stuff.

AND, maybe the best part about the whole month was that when I was home-bound last weekend whilst Husband was off killing things, I spent the ENTIRE day on Saturday (well, I got up at 10:00, so maybe not the ENTIRE day...) cleaning out the spare bedroom and the walk-through closet that is inside of it. We had never really organized that room very well after we moved in, mostly because we thought we wouldn't be there very long, and that when our 9 month lease was up, we'd be moving on to a house. When that didn't happen, I decided maybe I should organize it a little bit better. I ended up throwing out about 5 bags of crap. It was wonderful. However, my back hurt so badly after that whole endeavor that I could hardly get out of bed on Sunday morning.

Well, now I'm annoyed. I just spoke with a nurse and now I have to have an MRI!! Good grief. This happened to me about 4 years ago and they found nothing, well, nothing besides my brain. Now I'm going to have an even bigger medical bill because my insurance is crap. ARGH!

But, this does not deter me from having a good December!!

Another happy item: I may get to see my pregnant friend, Dawn, who now lives in Iowa, during the holiday traveling time. We may all be passing through the Cities at the same time. Word is, she has a little belly going on, which I'm dying to see!

Well, I hope your Decembers are happy as well. It's good to be happy.

The Cookie Monster

2006-12-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I was at the gym, in the locker room, changing after water aerobics. Some women came into the locker room, speaking a foreign language that I suspected was Russian (that's not important to the story). They were chattering away as they changed, but instead of changing into something, they just wrapped themselves in the towels provided by the facility. (I wasn't really LOOKING, but I could see what was going on out of the corner of my eye.) Then, I happened to glance up and one of the women had an entire chocolate chip cookie sticking out of her mouth as she was walking away. She walks over to the scale, hops on it, weighs herself, and then the next thing I see is that cookie being flung into the trash can, which was sitting next to the scale.

Oh, the hilarity....

I hesitate to write today...

2006-12-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

...as I am unusually crabby, and my stomach hurts. But that's not anything out of the ordinary...that's an everyday occurrence. My stomach hurting, that is. I'm rarely crabby.

It's been two whole weeks since I've written. Lots of things have happened and I guess that makes for a lot of grist for the blog mill, so to speak.

Well, let's see. Thanksgiving has come and gone since my last post. My Thanksgiving was boring, to say the least. We left Fargo on Wednesday night and went to my in-law's house till Saturday night. Read: lots of sitting around and sleeping for Heather, lots of hunting for Chris. I hate going to my in law's house. There are several reasons: 1) my mother in-law rarely cleans her toilet before we come, which grosses me out more than I can ever say; 2) their house makes me sneeze because there are deer heads in the living room and I'm allergic to deer hair (!); 3) I never have anything to do because my husband leaves me all alone in the house with his mother while he and his father go hunting (I'm invited to go hunting, and I'll go once per visit, maybe, however, hunting is not high up there on my list of favorite things to do); 4) it's impossible to eat healthy while I'm there, and their drinking water is HORRIBLE; 5) my mother in-law makes awful stuffing (I bring this up, because my mother makes awesome stuffing - something I look forward to each year.); 5) I was made to butcher a deer. Enough said.

The weekend wasn't entirely lost, however. I did get A LOT of knitting finished...my afghan is several inches longer than it was before I left. And, I wrote a cover letter and resume for my husband, which is always a very time consuming project - I figured that since I had an overabundance of time I could do that for him.

The next interesting thing that happened was that I began to undergo acupuncture. This is a very strange event. To have someone jab very small needles into your body in various places is somewhat disconcerting. I've had it done three times now, and I think it gets worse each time! The first time he put needles in my hands and forearms, by my knees and ankles. The second time he added needles to my neck and my feet (alarming fact: he punctured a vessel in my foot and now I have a bruise on my foot from the needle...). This morning he didn't do the neck, but put one in the middle of my abdomen, and one in each ear - boy did that feel weird. He told me the first time that my stomach would probably make all sorts of gurgly noises, and sure enough, it did! He also hooks me up to a small electrical current in order to speed up the process. So far I haven't felt any benefits, but I also didn't stick to the diet he told me to - I have to cut out all chocolate, coffee, pop, and alcohol. Now, I don't drink much pop or alcohol, but the chocolate and coffee really got me. So, he said if I can just go cold turkey for the next two weeks, I should see the process working more effectively.

Other than that, life has remained much the same, even given the fact I had a job interview last week. The interview went quite well, I thought, but I'm just not sure it's the position I really want. There's another one I'm waiting to hear from, but it's taking an incredibly long time, and with my luck, I won't even get an interview (do you hear the crabbiness coming out there?). Husband is still dying to find another job, but there wasn't even anything to apply for in the paper yesterday. He's really got limited options here in good old F...argo. (Oooohhh, another nip of crabbiness!) At this point, I'm really struggling at not blaming God for not helping the situation. My poor husband has been in this job he deplores for a year and a half. His back hurts every single day from the combination of driving endless hours and wearing a 25 pound tool belt around his waist. He gets no vacation hours, so when we take off for the holidays we just forfeit money. He gets no reimbursement for the $500+ we spend in gas every month so he can do his job. In July it was $800. October of 2005 was $1,100. Now they're telling him that the company is making the techs work Sundays. He said flatly, "No." He already works every single Saturday. I feel so bad for him. I wish I made a load of money so he could just quit. If I sound like I'm complaining, well, I am. It really sucks. I really need to stop here or I'm going to start my own pity party right in the middle of my blog. And no one likes to go to a pity party. And, I guess I really shouldn't blame God, because maybe he is helping the situation, and if he weren't, we'd be living under a bridge. Who knows?

Crabby, crabby, crabby.

I better go before I write something I regret!

Visions of Sugarplums...

2006-11-20T13:04:00.000-08:00

It's nearly Thanksgiving, and I'm ready for Christmas. I want to go Christmas shopping, and put up the tree (although we've nowhere to put a Christmas tree in our apartment, even the small tree that we have!) and listen to Christmas music and wrap presents and whatever else goes along with all of that holiday stuff. I do have some of my Christmas shopping done. I try to look for things occasionally throughout the year, but it seems that the in-laws never get things together until close to Thanksgiving time, and then it's like, "Cram all your Christmas shopping into one budget!" Right. Anyway.

This morning Chris and I had our pictures taken for our Christmas cards. I don't think they're the best pictures we've ever had, but they're okay. Chris was in a bad mood, so he wasn't very smiley. And in a couple he actually looked as though he'd been doped! Actually, he often looks like that in pictures. I, on the other hand, love to have my picture taken and would stand in front of a camera all day if given the chance! But, we were able to choose a nice one and order prints from that. The photographer had a cat - the studio was in her home - and I nearly died of allergies from that stinking cat. I haven't had that strong of an allergic reaction in months! I was sneezing all the way home! (They must not vaccuum very often...ewwww....).

I'm going to be embarking on a new adventure. I went back to my regular chiropractor this morning, after trying a different one last week, and he told me we should start with some acupuncture therapies. I'm pretty excited about this, because I'm really loosing faith in the medical world. I'm also tired of taking drugs and suffering from side effects. I figure if an entire nation of people (the Chinese) have been practicing this technique for millenia, there must be something to it. Plus, it's just plain interesting. I think I'll have to go do some research on it.

I'm at work right now, and there's nothing for me to do, hence the post. I guess it's a slow time of year. I'm okay with that. It gives me time to think.

Venti Shaken Iced Green Tea

2006-11-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

That's my beverage of choice these days. It's good for me, because it's green tea, and since it's cold, I can sip it all afternoon.

Well, that was interesting.

It's one of those days where I feel like writing, but I'm not sure what to say. There's several things going on in my head that I could write about, but I still can't settle upon one topic.

Chiropractic care
Jobs (includes husband's job)
Anxiety
Obligations
Day dreaming
Coffee
Coping skills for making it through your day when you don't like your job
Barnes & Noble
Being a stay at home mom
Weight Loss
Clients
Life on earth as a human
Purpose and meaning in life

These are the things that are going through my mind as I write today. I can hear my dad right now, "Heather, you take yourself way too seriously!" I think he's right.

And one other thing: I feel like a clown in my outfit today. (I'm wearing magenta pants. I'm not sure why. But, again, this relates to weight loss, as very few of my pants fit me right now, which is why, I suppose, I am wearing the magenta pants.)

I need a hobby. Okay, I knit. That's a hobby. But I don't do it all that often, and half the time my projects don't turn out the way I want them to. So that's not very satisfying. I will occasionally scrapbook. Part of me enjoys this, and part of me thinks it's just one of those things that you're required to do because you're a female. That part of me doesn't want to succumb to the scrapbooking behemoth. The other thing, is that I have nothing to scrapbook right now. For one thing, my digital camera is on the fritz, and frankly, I just want to buy a new one, because I bought this one when they first came out and it was cheap and doesn't have all the features I want. So, I don't have any picture taking capabilities at the moment. Not that I have anything to take pictures of even if I did have a working camera.

I like to bake. But sometimes it makes me crazy, because I don't have a ton of counter space in my kitchen, and when I'm dirtying a lot of dishes, I get overwhelmed very quickly, because I hate doing dishes. So, as of late, I haven't baked much, either (not to mention I'm dieting and baking just destroys my diet). Side note: last night we went to Kevin and Danae's apartment, which is right underneath her sister, Jenna and her husband Michael's apartment. They ordered pizza and someone made chocolate cake with chocolate frosting as well as peanut butter cookies (my fave), and they ordered Papa John's. It was a veritable smorgasbord of high calorie heaven. And I resisted! I said NO! I was so proud of myself. It was very difficult. The cookies were yelling at me.

I do water aerobics once a week, and yoga on Saturday mornings. I do enjoy that a lot. Not sure I would call either a hobby. Speaking of yoga, husband and I were at B&N last week and I was reading a yoga magazine and it had an article concerning simplifying. It took the concept pretty far, saying that our overconsumption in America is ruining the planet and causing war - that our gas guzzling SUV's have something to do with the war in the Middle East. I was inspired by it enough to go home and clean out the storage closet in our apartment. I got rid of 5 grocery bags full of crystal candy dishes, napkin holders, placemats, boxes of stationery and Christmas cards, glass tulips, and a plethora of other strange things that I will never use in my household. It felt wonderful. My friend, Erin, calls that an enema for your house!

On that lovely note, I'll sign off.

Decision Making Time

2006-11-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

So, I applied for a different job on Monday. Now, the point of this entry is not the new job, but the thoughts about leaving the old one. I'm not getting my hopes up for this new one, because I don't want to be disappointed if I don't get it. But I do want to be hopeful.

As I go about my everyday life, the thought of seeing clients makes me nervous, anxious, dreadful, and crazy. I've been like this since Day One, September 29th, 2003, in Stillwater, Minnesota, at Family Means in my internship. (Well, okay, the VERY first day I wasn't dreading it -but I was all of the other things.) I survived my internship and thought that once I get out in the "real world" things would get easier. I was told that it's normal to feel anxious and nervous when you're new. So, I put up with it. I worked a couple part time gigs the first year out of school, and really didn't do a whole lot of therapy. But, I dreaded every hour that I did do.

Then I had a bad incident with a job when we moved to Fargo. Hated it. Hated it, hated it, hated it. So I started working where I'm at now, and thought, "I'm finally in my dream job, things will get better." Well, I don't hate it, just like I didn't hate my internship, but, I do dread seeing clients, I'm a big ball of tension every minute I'm with them (I had a huge neck ache when I left last night), and I'm so relieved when they either don't show up or cancel. This is RIDICULOUS! It's absolutely ludicrous. So, basically, things haven't gotten better and I can't live like this anymore.

It's a big disappointment. I thought I was going to be a therapist for the rest of my life, or at least for several years. You know, get licensed, have a practice, help people, be a hero (yeah, I know, being a hero is highly overrated.) Whatever. Because I'm so picky about the populations of people I work with, it's going to take me forever to get licensed, because I don't work full time - not enough clients. At this point, it's very discouraging.

The question I'm asking myself now is, "Is it just that I don't like to work, or is it that I don't like to be a therapist?" Also, "Is it the responsibility that's driving me crazy?"

Now, I go to work every day at the credit services office, and even though it's not my favorite thing, I go and do my work. Not a big deal. However, there's very little responsibility involved. So, no sweat, right?

So, then when I was 23, why was I itching to be promoted to more and more responsible positions at my job in retail? I didn't run from it then. What's the deal? And, I carried out my responsibilities just fine there. However, there was always someone else who was ultimately in charge - the manager - so things never fell directly on my head. Also, that job seemed more like social time and play time than a real job. Maybe it's all in my viewpoint.

So, what happens if I get this job I applied for. There's responsibility in it. Am I going to go running again? And what's the real issue there? That I'm afraid of failing? That I can't handle pressure? That someone's going to get mad at me? I don't know.

I need to figure this out before I venture out into another job. I never had any issues with jobs before I went through grad school. Husband thinks I have committment problems and that it has something to do with the fact that I can't go back to school anymore.

It's all a big pain in the butt.

Large Bowls of Candy

2006-11-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

I didn't know what else to title this post, and there happens to be a VERY large bowl of candy sitting on the desk directly in my line of vision. It's distracting. I only ate a half of one yesterday. It was a Crunch bar. Fairly plain. Eh. Then I ate half of a new Reese's Crunch Bar, which was slightly disappointing. The crunch part is very, very similar to Butterfinger, and I was hoping either for little rice thingies, like in the regular Crunch bar, or for wafers. However, it still had peanut butter and chocolate, and you just can't go wrong with that combination. Even my husband, who hates peanuts and peanut butter, and isn't wild about chocolate, eats Reese's PB Cups. Isn't that weird? I'd say it's a conundrum. (Sara, if you're reading this, that word was for you. Hee hee.)

Last night I went to Erin's house and we handed out candy and drank LOVELY homemade hot chocolate that had two different kinds of chillis in it. It was delicious. When I first arrived, it was my job to hand out the candy, but about half an hour in, Erin started coming out with me on the porch to hand out candy. She made the rather interesting observation that people must think we're lesbians! HA! I wonder if they really did...

I made a tasty new smoothie recipe today for lunch. It's a Green Tea Berry Smoothie: you brew 1 1/2 C concentrated green tea (6 tea bags for 1 1/2 C) and let it cool, add 2 C frozen berries (unsweetened), one sliced banana, and 3 T honey. Blend till smooth. It's great - you can really taste the green tea, but you can also really taste the honey, and obviously the berries and banana.

I have a new analogy for life: flushing. I realized, with the help of my hubby, that I had let all the crap from my life build up and it has been getting me down for a long time. It was time to flush. As gross as this analogy is, it's very pertinent, in my belief. Most of us tend to let things from the past build and build, until you're at maximum capacity and can't function anymore. You feel stuck and plugged. So, you need to flush! HA! GROSS!

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent of praiseworthy - think about such things." I think this verse put into practice could do a lot to alleviate a lot of our stress and depression and anxiety.

So, I've been examining expectations a lot lately. After "flushing," I kind of have an "I don't care" mentality. At least today I do. I used to want to save the world. Now, I realize that I can touch people's lives, but that doesn't have to be in any specific way, through any specific medium. And I can be happy with that. I can even be relieved with that. Saving the world is a big burden!

I have aqua aerobics tonight. After gaining approximately 10 pounds since August, I'm not all that fond of donning a bathing suit. However, if I want to lose those 10 pounds, I need to do it and get in the stupid pool. At least, when you're in the pool, nobody can see your pudge jiggling around! There's only like, 2 skinny people in the class, anyway.

Well, this has been a post of randomness. Kind of how I feel today.
Au Revoir.

Marketing Strategies

2006-10-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

Verse found on Starbucks "to-go" pastry bags:

"flavors my senses, sweetens my disposition, stirs my imagination, nourishes my dreams."

Starbucks is promising an awful lot.
If only it were that simple.

Ponderings

2006-10-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

Today I am wearing a shirt that is missing a button. There was a time in my life when that would not have happened. I wouldn't wear anything with the slightest flaw on it.
I also discovered that I wore a pair of jeans all day on Saturday, at a conference in the Cities, that had chocolate in three places on the butt. Not pretty.

So, what has happened to me?

Chocolate on the butt...button missing...what's next? Going out without a bra?!?! Gosh, that's sad to think about.

I do think it speaks to the larger points of life, however. I'm not as anal retentive as I used to be, which, in most aspects, is a good thing. I could use a little self-driven purpose in life, though.

I seem to have lost that along the way. Well, I can actually pin-point the time when it happened. I was a freshman in college. I had made it into the top ensemble - the Wind Symphony - I was also playing in the orchestra for the choir's trip to San Diego, and I had done marching band in the fall, and was doing the opera in the spring. Needless to say, I burnt out, and to be honest, I've never gotten it back. Well, I take that back. There was a year in there, 2001, after my divorce, when I had just moved to the Twin Cities, and everything was going my way (for the most part) and I was a little spitfire. But, I burned out then, too, and limped my way thru the rest of grad school, just like I had limped thru my undergrad degree.

Something just occurred to me, though. I've been trying to do my life on my own energy and my own volition for all of my 29 years, even the last 11 years that I've been a Christian. I think that speaks volumes. I know in my head that I can't do my life on my own, that I need God to give me the strength and the fortitude. But, now that I'm typing these words on the screen in front of me, it's more real than it has been before. I really can't do my own life.

How does the rest of the world do it?

Ah. As I typed that I realize what I do to make it thru - coffee and sugar. I guess everybody else uses those as well as alcohol and drugs, I suppose. Believe me, over the past year, I understand now why people drink and get drunk. I've said several times that if I were a drinker, I'd be at the bar. Not a good thought.

So, I guess it comes down to surrender. When I surrender over my responsibilities and obligations, Christ steps in to take them on and help me do them. I don't know how it works, but I'm believing it. I'm at the end of me. I've heard that's where He begins. I suppose that takes some faith and some trusting. Two areas I need to exercise. Hmmm...exercise...another area....

Oh the Beauty

2006-10-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

I was driving a lot this past week and I have to say, that even though a lot of the trees had lost their leaves already, there were many that were quite magnificent. There were reds and oranges, yellows and maroons. It actually inspired me to want to write poetry. Interesting what nature can do. The book of Romans says that God reveals himself through nature, that his invisible qualities can be known that way. What a crazy thought! We can know God's qualities by looking around us. You know you've seen Him. Have you ever stood on the beach and watched the sun set, and noticed that the colors seem to be just out of your vocabulary's grasp? Or maybe you've seen a moose standing in the meadow and noticed the strong, silent presence it carries.
We are without excuse.
Anyway, I had a great weekend. Thursday I drove down to the Cities and stayed at Kris' house in Blaine. Friday was supervision and it was somewhat helpful. I always come away with something from my time with my supervisor. (That's definitely a good thing.) It's good to feel like you're growing and becoming more aware of ways that you can help people. Friday night we went to Grand Avenue , where I bought 4 DELICIOUS chocolate truffles from Just Truffles (I bought 1 peanut butter/dark chocolate, which was decadent, 1 grand marnier (orange)/dark chocolate, which was also decadent, and 2 Bailey's Irish Creme truffles (one for husband), and it was probably the best of them all. Absolutely incredible.
I also darkened the doorstep of a new shop entitled Picky Girl. It was a boutique with semi-expensive clothing. It wasn't completely expensive, just somewhat. If I were working full time I would buy clothes there.
We hit Ten Thousand Villages, where I found my birthday gift from my husband - a new, beautiful tea pot. So gorgeous.
We ran through Pottery Barn, which always makes me covet like none other, hence, the running.
At Cafe Latte, I partook of a cup of fruit, a cup of Seattle Smoked Salmon Stew (cream based) with dill, and a slice of St. Paul Sourdough bread. It was all delectible.
Saturday we went to Starbucks for breakfast where I had my second pumpkin spice doughnut (makes my mouth water just thinking about it) and of course, my grande iced nonfat vanilla latte. (Sidenote: the iced lattes seem to be loosing their lustre. I still have one every morning at home, so I'm not spending the money, but when I go out, they're just not the same. I wonder if that'll ever happen with chocolate. Dear God, I hope not!)
After that we went to the Pine Tree Apple Orchard in White Bear Lake. It was a beautiful drive over there; the trees were still changing and it was sunny and gorgeous. I bought a 6 pack of apple cider doughnuts, and a 1/2 peck of Honey Crisp apples. Apparently Honey Crisp apples are a new hybrid that came from the U of M. They are expensive. They are going to become pie and crumble for this weekend when my parents come. YUM!
We also went to a couple cute little shops in WBL. Kris used to live in WB, so she knows the ropes.
And, of course, I am missing living there, still. It went away for several months, and now it's back...with a vengeance. Argh. I'll leave it at that.
And, again, I'm struggling with my chosen career path. Do I really want to be a therapist these days? If I didn't do that, what would I do? How can I make more money? Can I make money and do something I love at the same time? That doesn't seem to be possible right now. Money doesn't seem to like me. That's alright, I don't like it, either. So there! Pblblblblblt!

Oh, funny men...

2006-10-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting at my desk yesterday and one of the men who works in our office stops and says to me, "You....look....really mature for your age."

Ummmm.

"How old do you think I am?" I pondered.

"I know how old you are." He replied. (He does payroll, so he has birthdates, I guess). "It's a compliment." He finally concedes.

Well, considering I am 29, and that's not exactly the same as saying to an 18-year-old, "You look really mature for your age," meaning they look like they're in their 20's, which is a compliment. In this case, if I look really mature, does that mean I look 35 or 40? What the heck?!?! I suppose, however, from his point of view, which is probably 45 or 50, 29 is still quite young. Whatever.

Birthday Report:

Cake: two pieces consumed (1 DQ Ice Cream cake, and 1 lucious cheesecake covered in caramel and chocolate)

Presents: flowers from Kris, money from relatives and friends, Starbucks giftcard from friend, husband was going to give me a ticket to the Women of Faith conference in Mpls this month so that I could spend time with a high school friend who lives in Seattle, but it is sold out. He'll have to come up with something else. I'm sure I can help him out with that...

All in all, it was a very nice weekend.

And today is a lovely day, because I'm not busy at my afternoon job, which means I can catch up on all my other stuff. I love catching up. It makes me feel much less stressed.

This week I am heading to the Twin Cities on Thursday afternoon. I'm very, very excited about this, as it's been over a month since I've been there. I'm going thru withdrawal. I really have been missing it lately. Actually, I'm a little afraid that if I go, I'll be all sad again that I don't live there. Oh well.
Friday I have supervision, and that night Kris and I are going to celebrate my birthday at Cafe Latte, and do a little shopping along Grand Avenue. It should be very fun. Saturday we'll begin our day at Starbucks, our usual spot, and then probably do some more shopping. Not sure where to shop yet. Maybe Har Mar - TJMaxx and Marshalls are always good stops. :)

I feel my blog coming to an end. More later.

Today - it's my birthday, oh yeah, it's my birthday!

2006-09-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

That's right, folks, today I turn 29, on the 29th, which makes it my GOLDEN birthday. I think that the golden part entitles me to more presents.... :)

Birthdays in my family were always a big deal. There were always lots of parties, loads of presents, and special things done for that day. When I found out that the rest of the world doesn't get so excited about birthdays, I was shocked! I say that a birthday is just a good reason to celebrate and have a party or go out to eat or do something special for the birthdayee.

That said, I've requested a dinner at Monte's down town Fargo, but we'll have to see about that, since it's rather on the tres chere side (very expensive). (I miss French!!) But at the very least I'm sure it'll still be someplace good like Doolittles or Granite City. We're also having a party for lunch at the office. Someone decided on BLT's, which I think is slightly strange, but yummy, nonetheless. I'm sure there'll be cake and lots of yummy things.

I also have the entire morning off and am going to do exactly as I please, which will involve one or both of the following things: daytime TV and/or Starbucks. I think a girl deserves Starbucks on her Birthday, especially since she's fasted Starbucks for the whole LAST WEEK! (Aren't you proud of me?? I've been making my lattes at home, and since I started using 2% milk instead of skim, they're much better, much to my surprise).

I've also had an epiphany concerning my job situation, but I'll leave that for another post. For now I shall sing happy birthday in French....because I can.
Bon anniversaire a moi,
Bon anniversaire a moi,
Bon anniversaire a moi,
Bon anniversaire a moi!
(To me....I'm not self centered at all....)
Hee hee.

I think I need a 12 Step program

2006-09-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago, my friend, Erin, wrote about running away in her blog. She recounted a tale from her childhood about running from home. Anyway, I remembered that today, because that is how I feel. My week has been a blur so far, and it's only 1:00 on Wednesday. That means it's only HALF over. Kind of a depressing thought.

Then I think to myself, "Why is that a depressing thought?" I shouldn't WANT my week to be over, at least in a perfect world. I should be wanting to do my work, to earn money, and to be productive. But in all honesty, I really just look forward to Friday at 5:00, just like the rest of the world. And yes, I have lofty expectations for myself.

So, for today, I want to run away. I want to go shopping, or just home to watch daytime television and rot my brain, or maybe for a nice walk since it's sunny and cool out. I am going to the gym tonight to a Yoga class - it's called Yoga in Motion. I have yet to see what this class is all about. Hopefully I won't kill myself. I was watching the Food Network yesterday morning while I was getting ready for work, and they were having a weight loss challenge between 3 men, and because one of the men sustained an ankle injury, they had the men do yoga, instead of more high impact workouts. Anyway, they flashed a blurb across the screen that yoga burns 450 calories per hour. WHAT?! I just about fell over...now, obviously beginner yoga isn't going to burn that much, but more intense levels might. Who knows.

Speaking of yoga, I was demonstrating a pose to a coworker yesterday (don't ask) and of course, that's when everyone in the office decides it's time to walk by my desk. Yes, that's me, on the floor, doing yoga for you all to see... (It was the pose where you're on your side, and you balance yourself on your hand and your feet, so you look like an isoceles (I can't spell that word) triangle with the floor...NOT easy.

So, I'm wondering something about you, my readers and friends. When I have to get up and go to work each day, I have this pervasive sense of dread that permeates my being. It's a living thing inside of me, I swear. It makes me want to go to Starbucks, and it makes me think about food A LOT...and it makes me eat a lot. I know these are my "coping mechanisms," but I want them to stop, and there's little I have tried that works. I know that my mother has this same problem, and we all know that I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER!!! (And I don't want any future daughters to have the problem, as well.) So, here I am, putting my feelers out - does anyone else experience this? I think there's more to it than just having to work, but I want to know what you think.

Well, that said, I'm going to finish off my diet Coke with a couple of M&M's...hee hee...

Paper mache geese and long armpit hair man OR Namaste, not so much

2006-09-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to my first Yoga class at the YMCA. I was so excited - having done yoga at home in past years, I was looking forward to a more formal setting, where I would learn more correct positioning and all the different names each position has. It was great - everything I thought it would be, and more. They even said the "Ohmmmmmm," at the end, which I found slightly hilarious. But that's just me and my strange sense of humor. Anyway, at the end of the 75 minutes, my body was JELLO. J-E-L-L-O. My muscles were shaking and I had to walk slowly, because I couldn't move any fast than that!
After I went home and showered, it took a few hours for my muscles to return to normal. But, much to my dismay, they didn't return to normal in the way I had hoped. They decided to ache. A LOT. And when I say "ache," I mean, husband has to help me up the stairs, and it hurts to sit on the church pew, ache. I was afraid that during the night last night, my muscles would decide that whatever position I slept in would be the permanent position of my body for the rest of my life. So, I've spent the day being made fun of by my husband for walking like I'm 90. BUT! I'm going back! I'm going to keep doing yoga, because it was awesome. So there.

Also, I met Long Armpit Hair Man in my yoga class. He has the longest damn armpit hair I've ever seen in my life. I could have braided it. He was also showing off during the class, doing hand stands, and whatnot. Made me want to shoot death rays at him, which, I'm told, is counterintuitive to the whole notion of yoga. Energy, shmenergy.

And, I have a very large paper mache goose in my living room. Why, you may ask? Well, my dear husband is adding a new animal to his hunting repertoire: the goose. Apparently, to hunt goose you have to have many lifelike goose decoys, and husband is making them himself, out of glue and paper grocery bags, rather than spending anywhere from $15-$40 on a decoy. Frugal, yes, conducive to a clean livingroom, no. But, I will not bug him about this, because he doesn't really have any place else to do his little creations. (And when I say "little," the goose is nearly three feet long...)

We're really settling into our church. We went to the Sunday School breakfast this morning - the kick off before the sunday school year begins. Chris will be teaching senior high sunday school, and I will be attending the "newlyweds" sunday school class solo. It's my own fault. I volunteered him for the teaching gig without realizing that I'd have to go to SS all by myself if he was teaching. Bah. But, it shan't last forever. I'm also starting a recovery ministry at the church, that will officially begin in January. I spoke about it this morning and it felt really good to get up and present something that I'm doing, and have people listen to me and volunteer to help me. It was very validating to me as a person and as an adult. I think for those of us in our 20's, it doesn't really seem like we're in our 20's - that we're adults. I still feel 18 most days, and don't expect to be taken all that seriously all the time. But, I guess when you meet a group of people and they know you as a therapist, and you start doing therapisty things around them, they see you as an adult and a professional. Strange. Guess that was a bit of rambling there, but true for me, nonetheless.

Because of this recovery ministry, I finally got to read the entire Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. I never realized how Christian it really is:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (This is where it traditionally ends). Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen, and amen.

The Double Monday

2006-09-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

Lord, yesterday was a double-Monday. A double Monday is when you get a day off from work, but when you go back, it's worse than had you not had the day off to begin with. It's like taking vacation and going to Maui or whatnot, and then, upon your return, you realized that the vacation was just a mirage, that life still exists back in the real world, and no matter how hard you try, you can't get back to Maui for all the crap you have to deal with at work.

We were attending my nephew's first birthday party on Sunday afternoon. I was speaking with Suzanne's fiance, Harry, about coffee. His 14 year old son pipes up and says, "Coffee's good." And I said,"You're too young to drink coffee - I don't even care if you like the taste - you aren't allowed to drink coffee until you graduate from college and have to go out and get a real job." His dad (Harry) chimes in and says, "Yeah, once you start working and you realize you have to do this for the rest of your life, you start trying to do yourself in, each day." HA! I laughed out loud at that one - the kind of laugh where everything in the room stops and everyone stares at you. Yeah. But I think he kind of had a point there. The fact that one must work in order to survive is kind of stinky, even if you like your job, as I do. In fact, I like both my jobs, pretty much. The part-time receptionist gig is just fluff, and my real job is good, minus the anxiety and worry I experience from time to time. I always feel good after a session, for the most part. Maybe I'm just glad it's over!!!??? HA! AGAIN!

I was very crafty this weekend, which is very unlike me. However, I went out, bought myself a canvas and some paints and brushes and have begun painting a masterpiece to hang above our bed. I also did a couple pages of scrapbooking in my scrapbook of "Us." I made some homemade cards to send to my in-laws. And I made a purse. I'm very proud of this little bag. It was the easiest thing I've ever done in my life, and if my freaking digital camera would work, I'd take a picture of it and show it to you. Well, actually it's not finished yet, but when I get done, I'll try to post it.

Well, I believe I must be off, to ready myself for another day of doing myself in.

I had forgotten, but no longer...

2006-08-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten what it was like to be busy. No longer. Busy in a moderate sense of the word is okay with me. I like having something to do with my day - preferably something I enjoy. I do not generally enjoy sitting around and doing nothing. This is a good thing, because I will no longer have nothing to do.
I haven't written in a while, and it's because of this newfound business. I ended up switching my part time jobs last week. I gave up Starbucks for a part time gig at the office where I already work. I'm playing the part of afternoon receptionist. It's really not a bad job, and I'm getting a lot more money than Starbucks, and I get to be around the people I already enjoyed working with. I just don't get free coffee anymore!
So, to catch up to today...last week I was in the Cities for a brief 24 hour visit Thursday night and Friday. I had supervision on Friday, which was very good, as usual. Saturday my inlaws came to town for the Island Park Show, which is a very large outdoor craft show in Fargo. It's pretty much the same vendors each year, but it's not bad. I went on Saturday morning (after a latte and a lemon merangue tarte at Nicole's) and purchased a little decorative pillow for my mother and a $6.00 jar of raspberry jalepeno jam. The jam I am a little disappointed with. I made that hors d'oevres dish with cream cheese and jalepeno jam that you dip crackers in the day before I was going to serve it, and when I removed it from the refrigerator, I discovered it had turned to liquid. Not appetizing...unless you're a yellow jacket wasp in the park at our picnic on Sunday afternoon.
Let's just say the dip was a hit...with the wasps.
Oh, and one stung me right underneather my left armpit! What a strange place to be stung.
Sunday was a lot of fun, but a lot of running. Church...picnic...speaking engagement...back to picnic...over to friend's house for games...to bro- and sis-in-law's house for pizza......home....bed at 10:30 (which is quite early for this little night owl). But, I learned a new game: Waterballoon Volleyball! Played with a large bathtowel and big waterballoons. You choose a partner, and several pairs are positioned strategically on each side of the volleyball net. You launch the balloons back and forth, and you lose, when you drop the balloon and you get soaked! It was great - I think it's my new favorite outdoor game.
I almost don't want to admit this...we also played kickball. Well, it had been so long since I'd played kickball that they had to remind me how to play it. Good grief!
Yesterday and today have been filled with work: office work, and clients. And, I'm currently sitting here while my 7:00 appointment fails to show up. What do you do? I tell you what I do now...I charge them for it. If they want to see me again, they have to pay a fee first. I've heard several therapists do this with very good results, so I'm next in line.
Speaking of clients, I'm getting new clients by the truckloads! Two more today, even. It's the right time of year - kids are back to school, the summer's over, life can begin again.
Also, I had quite an opportunity fall into my lap last week. A guy from the West Fargo Pioneer approached me about writing a faith based column for the paper concerning marriage and family. It all happened in the span of about 3 days - the column was written, pictures were taken, and it comes out tomorrow! It'll have my business line and web site there, too, so I anticipate more business from this little endeavor. It's an on-going gig - I'll do it for as long as I want...or until they ask me to stop!
I have jumped back on the diet bandwagon. So far, so good. I looked at my arse in the mirror yesterday morning and discovered I needed another time zone for it, so I decided it was time to get back to the plan. I'm trying to view it as a culinary challenge - how creative can I get with meals? So far I'm pretty proud of myself: my lunch the past two days has consisted off bibb lettuce leaves, sliced turkey, and shredded carrots. Not bad. If you've ever tried the Lettuce Wraps at Chili's, I'm doing a variation on a theme, so to speak. (And by the way, the Lettuce Wraps at Chili's are very, very good. )
Well, this hasn't been a very entertaining entry, but I feel better just having typed out my life for a while.

Plain

2006-08-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

This post could be flavored plain. Or vanilla. Nothing too important to say today. Just felt like typing. I'm using my favorite keyboard. I'm at work, playing receptionist again. The keyboard up front is very user-friendly and I can type very fast on it.
I just ate half a bagel (the bottom half) toasted, with peanut butter. PB must be one of the world's most perfect foods. I love it. Husband hates it. I find this slightly amusing and slightly frustrating, because when I eat it, he can smell it on me and then he doesn't want to sit by me! Weirdo.
I discovered another wonderful drink at Starbucks: Blackberry Green Tea Frappuccino. Holy crap it's good. It's got blackberry drizzle on the top, too. Wow.
Knitting was last night. I actually didn't even feel like going. I think I'm in a knitting-rut. Right now I want to finish a scarf I started that will go with my new pea coat that is camel colored. The scarf is camel and purple. Two wonderful colors. Two colors I would like to have in my living room whenever we get new furniture.
I feel like being a lazy blob right now - it must be the afternoon blahs.
It is 3:15. I went to work this morning at 8:00 and left at noon. Then I started here at 1:30, and will be done at 5:00. Then Husband will come bring me dinner or take me somewhere to buy dinner, and then I will counsel from 6-9. Today's a long day. But that's okay. I just feel bad that I leave Husband all alone on Mondays and Tuesdays. He seems to be okay with it, however. Thank goodness for understanding husbands!
A woman came thru the drivethru this morning at Starbucks and had her two dachsunds with her. Their names were Peeka and Boo. How adorably cute.
Well, to be honest, I'm at a loss for words. I guess it's one of those days. Even though there's a lot on my mind, it all seems to be escaping me at the current time.

I'M NORMAL!!!!!

2006-08-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

After speaking with my supervisor on the phone today, I found out that I'm normal. My friends Dana and Erin think it's funny that I have a hard time with confrontation and I'm a therapist. Well, I found out today that it's very, very common for young therapists to have a hard time with confrontation, and that it takes lots of practice to learn to have a finesse with this art form. So, I'm going to learn. I guess.

Campus Crusade for Christ, or some similar thing, does a fundraiser every year here where they truck in Colorado peaches and sell them out of the back of trucks by the case or half case. They are yummy, and my co-workers just walked in with a box. I was first introduced to the Colorado peach at the Minneapolis Farmer's Market, and have been hooked ever since.

We bought life insurance yesterday! That's exciting. If Chris dies tomorrow, I'll be rich. If I die tomorrow, Chris will be less rich than I would be if he died, basically because I make less money than Chris.

Chris and I are going to meet a couple tonight who have a marriage mentoring program in Fargo. It's something that I've wanted to get involved with for a while, or even to start one of my own. So, at least we'll find out more about what they're doing and if we can become involved. I'm suddenly finding myself getting busy again. Now that I'll be working 20 hours a week with Starbucks, and Bible Study Fellowship is starting up again in September, and I've gotten a few more clients (hopefully will get more and more if this is going to work out), and I'm starting a recovery ministry that will begin after the first of the year and will require me training the leaders over the next 3 months, and, and, and...yes, my plate is becoming full again, and I think I like that very much!

And, I think I've come to some conclusions concerning my career. As much as counseling makes me crazy, and I'd like a job that I can leave at work, I think it's best for me to continue and press on with what I'm doing. See, I realized what my priorities are, and my priorities lie with my family. When I have a baby, I don't want to work full time, and after I read my friend Darla's blog this morning, I realized that I can work harder at what I'm doing now, to make it easier to stay home half the week with a baby when that time comes.. Darla said she wishes she didn't have to work full time, and if I can have that option available to me, well, I'm going to jump at it.

Ready, set....
J
U
M
P
!!!

For the love of rhubarb...

2006-08-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

I was digging through my freezer yesterday and I found three bags of frozen rhubarb that my mother-in-law had given me a few weeks ago.

Normally, this would be quite alright with me, because I happen to LOVE rhubarb, and was thinking about making a pie at the time. However...

I took out a bag, and looked at it. The date read: 5-27-99. So I took a picture. I'll post it when I get home. I just couldn't resist. It was petrified, literally, in ice. No good pie could be had from this mangey crop. So sad. So sad.

On to bigger topics in my life...
I start my first shift at Starbucks on Friday. I have my green apron and everything. I'm very excited about this. After I complete my barista training, I may switch stores, in order to become a "shift supervisor." Ooooooooooo. Impressive, I know. But, you know what? Dammit, I think I'm going to love it. I really do. And what is better than loving your job? Almost nothing. That's why I'm seriously considering becoming a Starbucks manager, because I don't love counseling. For those of you who know my pattern of changing my mind, please bear with me. I'm pretty serious about this one. I'm trusting God will open doors for me where he wants me to go.
If you read this, Andy, they are going to be opening several more stores in my area, so I won't have to worry about job openings. And, I'm not surprised that the openings are few and far between, because their "bennies" are awesome. They even give adoption assistance - $9,000! And, if God doesn't lead me to Starbucks, then I trust that he'll help me love the counseling gig.

It must be about 47 degrees in this office. My arm hair is standing on end. This is ridiculous.

Is it seriously only Tuesday? Man, my weeks go so slowly. Tonight Paul the investment guy is coming to our house to help us pick out life insurance and decide on a retirement plan. This is going to be great...when we have money to invest! Right now it's down right hilarious!

Well, I believe it's time to go track down the boss. I've been waiting to talk to her for over an hour! Grrr...

I'd like a grande non-fat iced vanilla latte, please!

2006-08-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. I did it. I got a job a Starbucks. I'll be a Barista, starting next Monday. Hee hee. I think it's going to be fun, and I'm very glad to have something to do with all my spare time! Plus, I think I'll be able to have a positive impact on all the college kids who work there, and the manager, as well, who can't be more than 23 or 24! They're also opening up a couple more stores in the area soon, so, if the counseling just doesn't work out, I'll have another option down the road!

The reason I opted for Starbucks is that if I only work 20 hours each week, I can have health insurance benefits. Also, we'll save a ton of money with me not having to buy my lattes anymore! HA! I think that's hilarious!!! Plus, I'll get a pound of free coffee each week, and 30% off all the retail merchandise, including clearance. Guess what you'll be getting for Christmas this year!!!!! Hee hee..... I'm actually quite excited about this!

So, the pay is crap, but at least I'll be doing something and meeting more people, and who knows, maybe I'll even be able to drum up some business by working there?!?! Plus, it'll be great for my networking group, because I'll be able to give out their business cards all the time to customers!

So...tomorrow Kris is coming to visit me!! I'm so pumped! We're getting massages at 2:00, and we've got a ton of things on our to-do list: stop by Tochi, check out the Fantasy's store (ooh la la!), go to TJ Maxx (the best store on the planet), breakfast at Nicole's, stop by Funky Junque, and of course, I have to use my "BOGO" coupon at Maggie Moo's! Their chocolate peanut butter ice cream with Reeses PB Cups mixed in is to die for... And hey, my diet's been great this week, so I can have a treat, don't you think?!?!?!?!?!

I get to go to the chiropractor in about 40 minutes. Ahhhh...the chiropractor. I love the chiro. I love the feeling of my spine cracking. Even the sound is cool! Then I'm going to the office. Not sure what I'll do there, but since I've only had one client this week, I figure I should stop in and say hello to my fellow office mates. The bosses are on vacation this week, so I may walk into a big party!

Speaking of only one client...I was supposed to see a new couple Monday. They didn't show up. So I called them. She said, "Oh I'm so sorry. We decided to cancel, and I just didn't get around to calling you. I'm so sorry." Well, it's not technically cancelling if you don't let me KNOW ABOUT IT!!!!! Grrr. Then I had two others cancel and reschedule. Good grief. Good thing I got another job, cause I won't be bringing in much this month! ARGH!

I had been carrying around my digital camera for photo opps. Yesterday I didn't have my camera, but I had an opp. I was driving across 15th Ave, towards the new Scheel's store, and in a field was an old row boat with a guy wearing a pirate's hat in it! There were two other guys, and a camera on a tripod. I'm curious if they were filming a commercial, just taking picture, completing an assignment for school, or what. It would have made great art, though.

Well, I shall sign off for now. Have a lovely Wednesday!

Ah... weekends....

2006-08-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

What a nice weekend...

Friday was a nice start - I got a pedicure and did some shopping...found a new suit I want from Target: it's a brown jacket and skirt, paired with a green tank that has brown stripe diagonally across it. I'm going to pull a fast one in order to purchase this, since I don't have $85 just sitting around waiting to be turned into a suit. Since my birthday is next month, I'm going to purchase the suit, knowing that my parents will give me money for my birthday that will cover the cost of the suit. Hee hee.

Saturday I did some journaling at Starbucks where I had an iced green tea latte, made with Matcha green tea powder. Love the Matcha so much, I went home and did an internet search for it, and purchased a whole bag of it for myself, so I don't have to spend $3.92 every time I want a green tea fix. Got groceries, did some more shopping (Tochi, Farmer's Market, TJ Maxx - my new favorite store), and had dinner at some friends' house where we (when I say "we", I mean "I") partook of very delicious peanut butter cupcakes that our hostess, Nicole, made. The reason I say "I" partook of the PB cupcakes is that Husband does not love PB in any way shape or form. He's weird. He'll eat Reese's Peanut Butter cups, but says he does not like chocolate or peanut butter. I do not understand this concept. I love anything *read* ANYTHING with peanut butter in or upon it.

Sunday was church, Barnes & Noble, napping, and steaks on the grill. I also made tropical couscous. It was pretty good, although the flavors didn't quite meld. Whole wheat couscous, olive oil, S & P, mango, red pepper, scallions, orange zest. It was also supposed to have cilantro in it, but the Bjur's do not like cilantro. When I say, "the Bjur's" I mean me and husband. So, it was strange, but also good. We have tons of good food to eat this week, since I went to the grocery store.

My best friend, Kris, is coming to stay with us this week. She's coming on Thursday morning, and leaving Saturday morning. We're going to knit, shop, drink coffee, sit in the sun, and probably eat a lot of chocolate. Sounds good to me! Maybe I'll take her to Maggie Moo's. Hmmm...

Then, when Kris leaves on Saturday morning, we'll be following her back to the Cities. We are killing a couple birds with one stone this weekend. The 14th is our 2nd wedding anniversary, and the 13th is Immanuel Church's 25th Anniversary Celebration Sunday. Immanuel Church is the church where Chris did his internship for grad school. It is also the church where we were married. Saturday we're going to see Body Worlds at the Minnesota Science Museum - can't wait! And we're going to stay in a hotel or B & B on Saturday night. Very much looking forward to the teeny tiny vacation. We haven't stayed in a hotel since our honeymoon! I guess we were just hotelled-out after the all-inclusive-Mexican-Resort-salmonella-giving honeymoon!

I believe it is nearly time for bed. My computer tells me it's 11:49, and husband has to get up and go to work in the morning. I have to go look for a part time job. Wish me luck!

More, please!

2006-08-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

I want more.

Not necessarily more material things, like pencils, or toothbrushes. But more....um...well, LIFE.

I want more life. Damnit.

Damnit.
Damnit.
Damnit.

I KNOW there's more to this life than what I'm living right now, and it's pissing me off.

The funny thing is that when I try to go out and get more, it's never there. It's like life disappears when I go after it. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Part of the problem is that I have to go about finding more life all by myself. Husband is too depressed and despondent to do anything more than work and sit on the couch.

I hate this.

Then, when I counsel couples on improving their relationships, I often point to the fact that if you're not happy with your spouse, you need to change yourself. My immediate thought is that I don't want to be despondent and sit on the couch all night long.

I also feel very vulnerable even stating these things, because I AM a marriage counselor, and I can't figure my own marriage out half the time. What the heck is that all about? Perspective, I suppose.

I was sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Fargo this afternoon, watching people coming in and out, and there were some that I kind of envied. For example, this one "couple" came in, on their afternoon break from work, I suspect. The guy got a Coke with a glass of ice, and the girl got a Diet Coke with a glass of ice (which was what I was drinking...fine taste she has...) and they sat down at the table next to mine and just talked for a half hour. I supposed they worked together and were friends. That was the idea I got. I don't think they were romantically involved. But, they may have been. Anyway, they had the aroma of business and success and climbing ladders, and such.

Those are things that I get hung up on when I'm in a worldly mindset. I've always been very, very career oriented, ever since junior high. And I feel like that's my biggest struggle in life, too. Anyway, I felt like they had a bit of life to them. More than myself, anyway. I imagined myself being the girl (she was also thin, toned, and cute, to boot) and if I would feel fulfilled as her. Well, of course the answer is yes, because I don't know anything about her emptiness, her struggles, her ability to get drunk every Friday night and sleep with the guy from the bar, and how she wakes up on Saturday morning hung over and feeling more empty than she did the night before. Okay, well, maybe not. But anyway, everyone's got their struggles, I know. It's just that some seem to be easier than others. Or so it seems.

We received a phone call from a guy who is an investment broker. Apparently brother-in-law and sister-in-law gave him our name after meeting with him themselves last week. I told him that we don't have a red cent to invest in anything right now, although we would like to in the future, if my god-damned job ever takes off. (Yikes! I detect a bit of frustration!) So, he's coming over to our house on Wednesday night to talk about IRA's and life insurance, and whatnot. I've done this before and really feel fairly knowledgable when it comes to these things. But, when you don't have the money to do it with, it doesn't matter how much you know. Not sure where I was going with this. But it's just another nail in the coffin of dissatisfaction, I guess. Or maybe unmet expectations are the better word.

I think I'm angry.

I have a client coming in 27 minutes.

I do my best therapy when I'm mad.

This is good.

Restless

2006-07-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

This weekend was filled with relaxation and eating. And eating. And more eating.

Saturday my poor husband had to work all the way out in his hometown, and was an hour late getting home to his own birthday party!! ARGH! I hate the company he works for! I want them to die! Or at least that their armpit hairs would be infested with the fleas of a thousand camels.

But, the party was fun, and we had yummy brats on even yummier buns, accompanied by delicious tomato/basil/mozzarella salad that I could have eaten forever, and grilled corn on the cob. I declared near the end of my meal, "I'm full, but I'm just going to keep eating because it's so good..." Everyone agreed.

Then on Sunday we went to church, which was great - the people at Calvary Baptist church are awesome. They actually aren't afraid to come up and TALK to new people! It's amazing. We were invited to the young marrieds group. It was really wonderful - and the pastor has great sermons, which is a huge plus. The music is okay - it's not great, but it's not horrible either. The funniest part is that there's a guy named Roy (which is a name I have always thought hilarious, regardless of the thing he does) who feels the need to direct with his hand while we're singing! I just find this humorous, because I really don't think his directing has ANY impact on the tempo of the music...

So, I'm feeling restless. I think I'm getting caught up in not wanting to get caught up in the struggle for material goods and success in the world's eyes. Money is scarce in our world right now, we need another vehicle, we'd like a house, car insurance is due in August. Blah! It's so easy to get caught up in the WANTS!! Granted, car insurance and needing another vehicle aren't necessarily wants, but the house part is. Anyway, I have decided it's time for me to get a part time job. As much as I love working a few hours a week (and trust me, it's the best thing in the whole wide world - if you can stay home, or work very part time, I highly recommend it. It's absolutely wonderful) we really do need to have at least a little more money coming in, AND, since I don't have a baby or anything else to take care of at the present moment that would necessitate me staying home, it's really the best thing for me to work a little more. So, I think I'm going to work for Home Instead Senior Care, a company that provides the elderly a companion to shop, cook, hang out with, when they need it! I think it's awesome. The longer someone can live independently, the better, the way I see it. Nursing homes suck, and I pray to God I never have to put my own parents in one.

Anyway, I love elderly people, and I love to shop and cook and talk, so I think this would be a great "job" for me. I just hope it pays more than $5.15 per hour! But even if it doesn't, I think it would still be worth while. I contemplated the Starbucks gig again, but when I went to the store this morning, to look for the manager, I was surrounded by a bunch of college aged girls who had made a mess of the store, and who really weren't doing much of anything during the 20 minutes I was there. Now, there's two ways to look at this - I like college kids and I think I could have a great influence on them. On the other hand, this could all get really, really annoying! The really attractive part of working at Starbucks is the benefits - you can work 20 hours a week and have full benefits! This is especially attractive to the trying-to-get-pregnant person that I am. We'll see.

I'm also thinking and praying about starting a recovery ministry at my new church. I heard about it thru my friend, Jen, who lives in Seattle. She went thru the program a year or two ago and said it was life changing and wonderful. It's called Celebrate Recovery. It originated at Saddleback Church in California (Rick Warren's church). Anyway, I spoke with my pastor last week, and he already had the materials. So I picked them up from him on Sunday, and started looking them over. It looks like a great program. Just not sure if it's the best move for me to make. But, the community could really use it. Harumph.

I just heard a quote by Tony Evans: "Don't go outside of God to solve your problems." That's great advice. Easier said than done, I think!

We went to Monster House yesterday cause Chris wanted to see a movie on his birthday. The movie was actually pretty cute. One of the better cartoons I've seen. I thought it was a little scary for little kids, though, because this house seriously comes live and eats people and looks vicious! My favorite line was, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, KID?!?!" "It's puberty, I'm having lots of puberty!"

I'm hosting knitting tonight. So far it looks like it's going to be a pretty slim group. Several of the girls are out of town, one has a sick baby. That's okay, though, my place isn't very big....

Well, time to go. Happy Monday.

Understandably concerned...

2006-07-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

I've been in a spiritual rut for nearly 3 years now, as I eluded to in a previous post. And, I believe I'm out of the rut now. And now I'm concerned.

Some Scripture that's been instrumental to these past couple days is Revelation 3:15-20. Don't be afraid of it because it's Revelation. There's nothing to fear in Christ.

To give a bit of background before I site the passage, John is witnessing Christ confront 7 churches. The one in this passage is Laodicea. It was the wealthiest of the 7 cities mentioned. It had a strong banking industry, wool manufacturing, and even a medical school that manufacured eye cream! But the city had an issue with its water supply. They had built an aqueduct to bring water into the city from surrounding hot springs, but by the time the water got there, it was lukewarm - neither hot for bathing, nor cool for a refreshing drink. Lukewarm water, to most people, is disgusting to drink. To quote the notes from my study Bible: "The church in Laodicea had become lukewarm and thus distasteful and repugnant. The believers didn't take a stand for anything: indifference had led to idleness. By neglecting to do anything for Christ, the church had become hardened and self-satisfied, and it was destroying itself. There is nothing more disgusting than a halfhearted, in-name-only Christian who is self-sufficient." Christ had had something positive to say to the other six churches. He had nothing positive to say to Laodicea.

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.
I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.
Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

Wow - that is a powerful speech! All I can think of is America when I read it...and myself. I don't want to be spit out of Jesus' mouth. The thing that gives me hope, is that Jesus doesn't say he HAS spit them out of his mouth, but he says "Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline." He loves this church that's faltering and failing. What are they to do? Be earnest and repent!

I'm concerned. We American Christians (in general) could be described as the Laodiceans. "I know by your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot." What am I doing to advance the Kingdom of God on earth? Am I going out and "making disciples of all nations?" I haven't yet. I think it's time to get serious, people. Who wants to join me?

Sick of it!

2006-07-25T13:42:00.000-07:00

I AM SICK TO DEATH OF THE RADIO AND THE CRAPPY MUSIC THEY PLAY ON ALL THE "POP" STATIONS!!!! (Christian included!)

I am currently boycotting all radio stations that play any music other than jazz or classical.

All you hear is the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over. Good grief! Even the stations that claim to play a variety of music just play crappy 80's every once in a while in order to "shake things up" a bit. Argh.

So, today I listened to MPR at my desk, and it was good. But, I also can't listen to classical all day long, either. It actually grates on my brain for some reason. They need to mix it up a bit, too - throw in a little harp music in between the Beethoven Sonata and the Dvorak Symphony! I'd even take a mandolin or a sac butt every once in a while. (I actually did hear a sac butt the other day, and it made me smile!)

What I do appreciate about MPR is that you can often find them playing a Mozart Horn Concerto. There are 4.33 of these puppies. The .33 comes from the fact that Mozart began number 5 and then he died. Some people have finished it, but I say that's cheating. I'd rather hear someone play half of a piece of music written totally by Mozart, than a complete piece of music written half by Mozart and half by some music geek who thinks he can tap into the mind of Mozart. But hey, that's just my opinion.

I was on hold today at work and they had the MOST horrendous elevator music EVER! It was a cross between true elevator music meets techno meets Santa's elves. Seriously, I'd never heard anything like and and it made me wonder if there were subliminal messages in it that were penetrating my mind whilst I waited. Heh. Heh heh.
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Today I bought a new flat iron for my hair. This one has ceramic plates instead of the big gold ones. Apparently there's some ionic component to this puppy and it's supposed to reduce flyaways!!! How fricking exciting! Isn't it amazing what they can do with advertising language?
The other day I was highlighting my husband's hair and as I was reading the directions, #4 was to removed "Super Impermiable Gloves" and don them. Good Lord! They're rubber gloves. They didn't do anything but go over your hand! Yeesh.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Last night Dana made cupcakes for Knitting Night. The frosting tasted like homemade ice cream. I was very impressed. Kiersten also made a cake. It was in the shape of a very large penis! She was very embarassed. We loved it. It was even cream filled....

Well, I needed to purge for the day. Now I want to go home.

It wasn't just a suggestion...

2006-07-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been experiencing spiritual rot for probably the past 3 years, and especially the past 2 for sure. I "try" to read my Bible, and I do it for a day or two, but then I forget, or I'm too tired, or too lazy (that's more likely the issue). I never pray; at least not the kind of prayer than begets relationship. It's more of the "thank you, give me" prayer, which actually quite disgusts me. I feel like I'm a foul taste in God's mouth, that he wants to spit me out, and that I'm on the tip of his tongue right now, about to be spewed. I don't want to be spewed. Then, on some occasions, I almost do want that. I've begun swearing again. I'm not necessarily of the mind that one can never use cuss words, but it's becoming habit again, and it's just not an attractive habit in which to engage. I even said, "Jesus!" the other day when I was disgusted at something. I couldn't believe that happened.

I've begun wondering if maybe all this stuff call faith is just an irriational human institution, and how could God inseminate a virgin, and did Jesus really do miracles, etc.....

Then, I was just on the phone with my mother, who is totally on fire for the Lord. They've been going to a new church in my hometown, and that pastor is completely devoted to missions. Today apparently he made the statement, "Either you're for Jesus, or you're against Him. Either you go out and make disciples of the world, or you don't. It was a commision, not a suggestion." At first that didn't phase me a whole lot - I mean, yeah, I thought, "Wow, I'm not much of a Christian anymore...wonder if I ever was...." Then, it occurred to me:

I've been trying to make my faith real to me and experience a relationship with God and develop a deep prayer life, and all these things are about ME! That's not what Jesus came to do - he didn't die so that we could sit on our comfy-ass leather sofas, drink mojitos, and talk about how we feel distant from God, so he must be ignoring me. No, damnit, his message was to seek and to save the lost, to go and tell others about him, to make disciples of ALL the world! That's NOT ABOUT ME! We are such selfish creatures. SO SELFISH. It's so disgusting - I hate my selfishness. Hate it. So, why would I be experiencing a deep relationship with God, when I'm not out there, meeting people who need to hear about him, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, being Jesus to the world?! Why?! Why would God ever bless me for sitting in my posh apartment, bemoaning my pathetic spiritual life, when I'm not doing a damn thing for him!?! I've been bamboozled. We all have. The Enemy came and said that it's all about me, and my security and my salvation, not about advancing the kingdom of God. Damn, he's good. Cause isn't that what America is about? Self.

Well, I want no part of that anymore. This isn't just Heather saying,"Oh, I'm going to go volunteer at the soup kitchen tomorrow," yet never call and never do anything. This is a matter of life and death, and it is my opinion that if I'm going to live abundantly and have eternal life with the Father, then I better start acting like I belong to him.

You know how there are stages of the faith life, right? Well, the baby part is where you learn all the good stuff, and feel all the grace, and are on fire (this is my own opinion). But I think I just went through the adolescent part, where I laugh in God's face, and don't talk to him for days or weeks, or tell him what he wants to hear, or act like a moron (like a teenager).

I think I just graduated high school.

Here Comes Saturday!!!!

2006-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. I love the feeling of Friday. There's a bit of sweet anticipation for the favorite day of the week (which is less than 15 hours away right now). I plan to use my Saturday to read and clean up the mess in the apartment. And of course, sleep in a little bit. Oh! And I want to work on my tan....

I'm sitting in our second bedroom, which is the guest bedroom/office/storage room, and just thought to myself, "What if in about 40 weeks we still live here and have to find room to put a baby in this chaos?!?!" I used to freak out about having a baby in an apartment. I still don't want to, but the issue is less of an issue. I guess I've come to terms with our situation, and really don't care anymore. Sure, I'd love to have a house, but who gives a flip where you live, really? Our apartment is very nice, heat is free, electricity is cheap because there's not much to electrify, and to be quite honest, I'm SO sick of trying to keep up with the whole materialistic mentality of American living, that parts of me want to do something radically different, like, live in a tree, or some such thing. Now, that said, I REALLY don't want to live in a tree, but I have seen pictures of cool tree houses. Somehow, though, with the wind in Fargo, I don't think it would be as viable here...

We had our philosophical discussion group last night. The topic was feminism, which, at first, I thought, "Oh, I'm not uber-interested in this topic." However, once I started doing some digging, I realized that every single area of my life is affected by what the feminists did in the 60's & 70's AND what the third wave of feminists are doing now, which is ruining men, but that's another post. All in all, it was a really good discussion, even though it was mostly me and Erin talking, with Sara and Holly interjecting a few thoughts now and then. A lot of people couldn't make it. I think Erin is disappointed with this fact, as is understandable - she formed the group and a bunch of people said they'd do it. But, Erin's husband, Billy joined us for part of the time last night and he added a lot to the conversation. Billy is hilarious. He does funny little impressions of people, and it just makes you laugh.

I've been working for the credit counseling agency this week, because one of the women is on vacation to Alaska. It's a mundane job - not horrible - but I'm glad I'm a therapist, and not a, well, I'm not sure what her title is...someone who sits in front of a computer all day, sending proposals to credit card companies, asking for leniency with people's credit card debt. However, I must say that there is something to be said for the gratification of getting your work done every day and leaving it at the office. My work is never done, and my clients walk about in my head for hours after I see them.

Well, I have to go get myself dressed and presentable so I can go sit in front of a computer. There are perks to this - I can listen to KS95.com, and check my email at random.

I'm going to wear my new favorite pants today. I love favorite pants.

I do requests...

2006-07-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

I got a request for more farm pictures...so, here they are!
If you look closely, you can see a rabbit in the grass.

This is my parent's house from the front! I love that you can't even see it for the trees! (The pond is over to the left of the house - you can see 3 lawn chairs sitting there...)

Purple Cone Flower.

The apple tree.

More pond, and, of course, us!

A Visual Tour of My Weekend

2006-07-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

First, we had lunch at Noodles & Co. with Mike.

Then we went home to my parent's farm. It may be the last time I see the beautiful farm in the summertime. It was really sad to me. This is the view from the yard.

This is the pond my parents built 5 years ago.

My parents and my husband sitting by the pond.

The flower beds on the east side of the house.

A beautiful day lily.

Kelly's wedding on Saturday! From the left:

Kelly, Ann, Jonathan (Ann's husband), Bradi, Greg (Bradi's husband), part of Chris' head, me, Jolene (pregnant!!), Sara, Jess. It was so much fun!

Jolene and Sara: The Cleavage Sisters

Me and my Sara-girl, the crazy dancing woman!

Well, that's enough pictures for now. There's more, and several that didn't turn out, unfortunately. The funny thing was that about 8 people didn't recognize me cause my hair is apparently more blonde than normal, and it's straight, which it's never been in all the time most of these people have known me. It was amusing! There was also a great picture of me and Chris, but I can't find it right now. If I do, I'll post it later, cause I really liked it.

We drove for a total of 17 hours between 8:30 am Friday, and 8:00pm Sunday. It was craziness, but it was a lot of fun.

Kelly and Micah, best wishes to you for a wonderful life together!

Jolene, congratulations on the bun in your oven!!

Now it's time to go back to work. Bah.

Tidbits

2006-07-12T09:58:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday, and it is a beautiful day, in every way possible! There is sunshine outside, I'm in a great mood, and I get to meet with my mentor today. Mentor has been gone for 6 or 7 weeks, so it will be fun to catch up. This pleases me. I also must make a pie tonight for potluck lunch at work tomorrow.

This morning I went to a Networking group with Darla at 7:00 am(!!!) just to see what it was like and to hand out business cards. I thought it was really interesting. At this point, I'm trying to evaluate whether this would be a beneficial group for me to meet with weekly. Most of the other people there were in the service industry - printers, oil companies, contractors, etc. I suppose I'm in the service industry also, to an extent, but very different from these! They all seemed very nice, and all said they would sign up for marriage counseling!!! (This is a response I often get when I introduce myself as a marriage therapist!!!)

My new blue fish is doing quite well, and I think I'm going to name him Pig. He wants to be fed everytime I come close to the tank! A few days ago he ate at least 12 little pellets of food. I'm afraid the frog is going to starve, because the fish is eating all the food I put in the tank! Poor frog!

This weekend we're travelling to Iowa to one of my girlfriend's weddings. I think I mentioned this in a previous post. It'll be great to see my old friends from college. They're like my sisters. It's so great.

I'm contemplating switching to all organic produce. Why? Well, the main reason is that I'm suspicious that all the pesticides on the fruit and the hormones in the meat and milk are contributing to the massive amounts of infertility that I'm encountering in my friends' lives. I'm also looking into purchasing household products from a manufacturer in Idaho that makes non-toxic, environmentally friendly cleaning products, i.e. laundry detergent, dish soap, hair spray, vitamins, etc, etc...

I met with a really nice girl this morning from the Area Woman magazine in Fargo. I'm considering advertising with them. It's a free magazine about what's happening in the area concerning women. It's really interesting and I think it could be a great place to advertise.
I hope we can afford to do it!

So, I switched from drinking lattes every morning (which made my stomach hurt) to drinking light frappucinos. I had a tall caramel light frapp this morning and I currently feel like vomiting. I'm actually hoping that this is a sign that I'm pregnant, but honestly, I think it's way too early for that to be happening. I think I'm just going to have to quit my addiction. In fact, this morning when I walked into the office, Joe, our credit counselor, said, "Is there any morning where you don't walk in with a beverage?!" I sheepishly said, "No....I don't think so!" But I blamed it on his brother who works at Starbucks, and gave us free gift cards to use at the new store in town!

I'm coming to the conclusion that I want to be a full time stay at home mom. I love working very minimally, like I am right now. Eight hours is a long freaking time to spend in an office all day long. So, I'm currently searching for ways for me to earn money from home! Also, I'm thinking I'd like to home school my children. This seems like a terribly daunting task to me, but, considering I am a fairly intelligent person, I could probably do it with little problem. I would just hate for my kids to develop my study habits!! Chris is concerned that home schooled children are often socially awkward. That does concern me, as well, however, as social as the two of us are, it would be hard to imagine that we wouldn't have them out, doing things all the time.

The radio station I am currently listening to (105.1) does an 80's flashback noon hour, and I hate it. Those of you who've known me for a long time, know my hatred for 80's music! The last song they just played was "Send me an Angel!" HAR! Now it's Prince...good Lord.

Shopping for jeans. I will never, ever succeed in figuring this out, even after watching 100 episodes of "What Not to Wear." I got really close, though, last week, when I went to the Gap. I cannot wear Gap jeans. I have a small waist and very womanly hips, if you know what I mean. Well, Gap jeans are made for people who do not have small waists, I guess, because whenever I try on women's Gap jeans, they GAP in the back, so that when I sit down in them, there's my underwear, for all the world to see! So, I happened to think to myself, "Self, why don't you try on some men's jeans?!" So I did. I grabbed what I thought was my size, and lo and behold, they fit! Perfect in the waist, perfect in the butt and hips, and a boot cut leg. Very nice. So I bought them. Then I got them home and wore them with shoes. I realize instead of 30'' inseams, I should have at least tried 31'' or 32''. But, they're not so bad that I look like I'm waiting for a flood, and I'm probably the only person who notices, but that's frustrating to say the least. And, there's this bit of excess material in the crotch, which I find highly amusing...

I got a coupon in the mail for $20 if I transfer a prescription to Walgreen's. Heck yea! I'll transfer prescriptions to Walgreen's for $20! Plus, the little pharmacy I normally go to never has what I need on hand, it seems. How annoying. Having worked in a small pharmacy when I was a teenager, I understand the fact that you can't stock everything in great quantities, and I want to support local businesses, but still, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!

I think I'm going to go to the Knitty Gritty and buy some new yarn so I can make felted bowls. I've not been able to find natural yarns at Hobby Lobby or Michael's. I need an excuse to go over there anyway, cause frankly, I'd rather give the KG my business! They are awesome. The name in and of itself is awesome!

Well, I believe this concludes my broadcast for the day. 10-4.

Labotomy

2006-07-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

All I can think about is having a baby.

What the crap?!

It hit me last week, like a ton of bricks.

Only this time I don't want it to go away....

That's labotomy numero uno.

As for labotomy numero dos, I suddenly find myself wanting to stay in Fargo.

What the crap?!

It hit me last week like a ton of bricks.

All I can say is that God is doing things to my brain/heart. And...I think it's....good.

So, now begins the hard work of marketing myself to the Fargo/Moorhead community, as a Christian Counselor. If any of you have ideas, please feel free to divulge them to me. I'm not the best when it comes to marketing myself. I need all the reinforcements I can get!!!

Next Friday we will be leaving town to go to Iowa. First it's 6.5 hours home to my parent's abode, then it's 2.5-3 hours east to Luxemburg, where my friend, Kelly, is getting hitched.

At the moment, I'm quite proud of myself: my computer crashed at some point in the past 24 hours, and I've figured out how to download the stuff to fix it! YAY!

My mother had an MRI this morning for her back issues. For those who don't know, she slipped on the ice a year and a half ago, and while she didn't fall, she wrenched her back. It started to get better, but two weeks later, was lifting some cases of pop at work, and her back went nuts-o. That one little act led to 3 months off work, 8 months of working part time, a personal trainer, medication, physical therapy, heating pads, more medication, a huge weight gain, and more medication. I'm thoroughly disgusted that her doctor did not order an MRI the first time he saw her. No, I had to call and ask him to do it, because this is flipping ridiculous. I'll stop there, because I could get very worked up about this. Anyway, they'll have answers next Friday, apparently.

I'm on fish #3 now. I went back to blue. I've had better luck with the blue ones. I think I'm not going to name this one.

I came home at noon today cause I was done working, and sat on my balcony, reading my fertility bible entitled, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." I now know more about my cervix than I ever cared to know.

Just thought I'd leave you with that mental picture...

Stupid Fish

2006-07-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

So, I bought a new fish last Thursday. I named him Oscar. I even bought him a "companion," a little frog named Kermie. Then, on Monday night, he decides to die. Are you kidding me?!?! Oh well. I currently have the dead fish in a plastic baggie in my car, which must be over 100 degrees, sitting out in the sun...mmmm...boiled dead fish... ew. Let's not go there.

Well, the weekend with my parents went fairly well. As well as can be expected. My mother (I've officially decided) has the desire to attach herself to me. I don't understand her, and I'm afraid I never will. I'm not going to go into details, but it was frustrating. And I survived Sunday with my in-laws. I spent the afternoon in the fishing boat with the men. I knit a dishcloth. And I got a sunburn, which is good, because I needed some color!

Over the past two weeks, I have fallen heavily off my diet. I'm afraid I will not get back on the wagon! Today it was chocolate at home, a donut at work, and leftover rhubarb crisp that I'd brought from home. Will it never end?!?!

Last night was fireworks, of course. We went with our friends, Josh and Wendy. It was at Moorhead State University, and it was the best display of fireworks I have ever seen, I think. And the best part? No mosquitoes! They must have watered the lawns with chemicals, because I think I saw ONE the whole night.

I'm disappointed that I cannot attend our religion and philosophy discussion group this Thursday night. I have to drive to the Cities that day to go to the doctor. Nothing huge, just tummy issues. I'm not really looking forward to driving 7 hours that day. Or spending money on gas...

Gadget of the day: Gator Downspout Cover! Isn't he ferocious!!??

Well, I will leave you with this thought:
30% of Americans have intestinal parasites.

Oh yeah...and on a sadder note...

2006-06-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

my fish had to be flushed last night.

He'd been somewhat paralyzed for the past month and a half, just hanging vertically in the tank at the top of the water. Really sad, actually. He looked very strange. So, last night, when I realized he was loosing all of his beautiful blue color, and barely responding to tapping on the tank side, Husband suggested flushing him, as he had many times before. I had hesitated all those other times, because I'm a very loyal pet-mom. I couldn't just flush him. But last night, I knew he wouldn't last much longer, and it was bothering me to look at him like that. So, I left the room, and Husband took him to the porcelain cemetery. Sad.

Today I went fish shopping at the mall. The lady who was working in the pet store there suggested I buy a pair of guppies. All I know about guppies is that they procreate like nothing else, and you end up with 100 guppies. Apparently, however, they are also cannibals, as they eat their young! GROSS! One must have a plant that the young can hide in. Good grief. I just want a low-maintenance pet.

My next stop is Petco. If I don't find anything there, I guess I'll go back to the mall and get guppies....

Obituary:
Sinatra "Blue Eyes" Fish died of unnatural causes on Wednesday evening, June 28th. He was a good fish: always coming to the side of the tank to say hello. He left behind his adopted mother, Heather. He was 2.5 years old. Services were held last night at the deceased's home.