The Thirties

I used to bemoan the fact that the time one goes through after college and throughout ones' Twenties is a strange and uncharted land. First there's the job issue, as in, you have to find one. Sometimes that goes well, other times it does not. Second, there's the fact that making friends can sometimes be a challenging feat. Since some people get married in their early twenties, and some not until their late twenties, this makes the friend situation awkward at times. Then there's the I-don't-want-to-face-the-fact-that-I'm-not-in-college-anymore syndrome. A good friend of mine had to break up with a man (boy) she dearly loved because he didn't work full time, spent the bulk of his free time going to Iowa Hawkeye football games, and felt the need to fraternize with his "buddies" more than her. Maybe a better title for this syndrome is, "I Don't Wanna Grow Up." Others of us continue on to grad school - a somewhat familiar place, as college is behind us, and we know how to do homework. Some people are traveling, some are dating, some are lost. It's a weird time.

I was looking forward to entering my Thirties because I thought some of the awkwardness would end. Now that I'm thirty and I'm married, we've both got jobs, we've got a house, and a baby on the way, but I'm finding that it's not without its foreignness. For instance: we love the town we live in, and we love our church family. They couldn't be better. But, because I'm the pastor's wife, I'm still trying to figure out the friend thing.

Here's the issue: I've always made friends very easily, but I've found this to be different since we moved to Fargo. (Case in point: I met some really great people when we first moved here, who are still my friends, but a weird thing happened after we moved here - I got really depressed, and it got worse and worse, so I sort of distanced myself from these people, in part because that depressed frame of mind makes me think that people don't want to be around me, and in part because I didn't want to be a drag. Then we switched churches, twice, and never really landed anywhere until last August - TWO years after moving here. So, precious relationship building time was lost because of not only my frame of mind, but also the fact that we kept meeting new people. There is another issue: because Chris and I are so vastly different, when we meet couples, I'll often get along really well with one or both of them, but he won't feel a connection, or he'll really like them, and I'll not feel the connection. Right now, in our church family, that hasn't been an issue, but I wonder if it would be if we weren't there as the pastor and his wife.) ANYWAY...

I find myself in a place today where I just want to sit down with a good friend over coffee and talk.... I used to do this almost weekly with my best friend, Kris, in the Cities. Plus, I'd see my friend Jolene on a fairly regular basis, and before she moved, my friend Dawn and I would get together whenever we could. These girls and I would talk about anything and everything from our husbands to God, from diets to how good the Sebastian Joe's Ice Cream was that day..., from sex to gardening. Life is weird right now, and I kind of want to hash it over with someone, have them sympathize with me, and then talk about how weird their life is! Do people not do this in this part of the country? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just a complainer?!?! (I hope not...)

The other, possibly bigger issue, is that as the pastor's wife, do I divulge personal information about myself and my husband to our friends/small group at church? If so, how much? Along with that, is the fact that while I'm not the youngest woman in our small group, I will have the youngest child. All the other kids are 5-13. Everybody's already out of the baby phase, and while it's nice to have women around who have some knowledge, I often like to find things out for myself, and not rely on someone else's previous experience. I don't know.

This is just a whole lot of confusing! You know what I REALLY want? A fricking margarita!!! Or a mojito. Or just a glass of wine. I don't know why I'm so interested in alcohol. Probably because I can't have any!

Possible topics of conversation (just to get them out of my mind for a while):
1. Dreams - what does one do when one has dreams for their life, but is 30 and having a baby for the first time? How does one integrate family and dreams?
2. Vacationing - I'd love to take a vacation this summer - not that it's like to happen.
3. Money - there are so many things I'd like to do with my life and I feel like I'm never going to be able to because of debt and the fact that I'm cutting back my hours after maternity leave and my own poor spending habits!
4. Marriage - does anybody else feel like ____ (insert whatever is going on)?
5. My own lack of motivation and how my husband fuels this lack.
6. Feeling like a conflicted soul most days of the week.

So, that was a lot of blabbering, but I don't care.