Planning Your Family with Future Vision

It's been striking to hear two women in the last 8 days tell me that they would have more children, but their husbands "are done." To be quite honest, this is a very confusing statement to me. Both families have 2 young children, and one family has a much older child from the husband's first marriage. Both seem from the outside to be financially sound enough to support another child, or even two more children. Both are Christian families who most likely understand the eternal impact of having another child. Personally, I've gone through a metamorphosis, of sorts, when it comes to family size. I was never, ever going to have children. I never dreamed, as young person, of having babies and cooing over them, buying them cute clothes and doing the whole "mom" thing. I was so determined in my career path that it would not have been convenient, nor wanted. However, as I grew into my late 20's, and married a man worth having children with, my heart softened (and my biological clock started ticking), and I very, very much wanted children. Then, to add to the desire, I started working for an organization where Natural Family Planning was taught, mostly from a Catholic perspective, which I studied closely. I was introduced to families that have 5, 9, even 10 children. Families of this size are rarely heard of in our times, and because of that, these parents often are asked very rude questions and fathers are accused of being sex addicts (really, think about it...if they have 10 children, there's really not much time for sex. Honestly.). But as I learned the beauty of natural family planning and the constant dialogue about family size that is necessary, due to the uncontracepted nature of the marital relationship, I began to realize that many children isn't a burden, but a legacy. A blessing. To be quite frank, raising the two children I have right now takes more physical and emotional strenth than I possess most days. For quite some time, I was certain that I was NOT cut out for motherhood, but even so, I look at my family with 20-30-40 vision. What is this vision, you ask? In 20 years, I will have an almost-23-year old son and an almost 21-year-old son, and, God-willing another one or two, and they will be coming home from college or from jobs and they will be getting married and I want to have a full house at Christmastime. I want to have a full dinnertable, football games in the backyard, and so many people sleeping at our house for Spring break that they have to camp out on the floor of the basement. I do want more children. Sure, there's a small part of me that thinks it would be nice to be done with pregnancy and childbirth now that I have my token two children. But that would only be for the sake of convenience. And it would not be the way I want things to be in 30 years when my boys are married and having babies. And it would not be the way I want things to be in 40 years when I'm attending my grandbabies baseball games, band concerts, and high school graduations. That's 20-30-40 vision. One last component: Who plans our family sizes? Do we? Or do we allow the God who told Abraham he would have descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and the sands on the seashore? Abraham was the father of nations. He listened to God and was blessed. Granted, I don't think God wants every family to have 10 children. But I wonder what would happen if we did allow him to speak into the planning component of our families. I wonder how lives would be changed; how people would be blessed in ways they wouldn't have been otherwise. Souls would exist who wouldn't have. That's a powerful statement. This is serious business. Souls. Eternity. Legacy. I don't think we realize the powerful potential we really do hold within our bodies and within our marriages.

Ripe

The last 7 days have been some of the most interesting, boring, and strange of my life. Last Monday I worked for 12 1/2 hours. By the time I got home around 9:30pm, I had started contracting (I was 39 weeks pregnant, precisely). It was fairly intense, but not terribly painful. Got in the bathtub. Tried to go to bed. Called the birthing unit to let them know what was going on, because at that point, we knew the baby to be breech, and with an impending scheduled c-section, we also knew that they didn't want me to get far into labor.

By midnight I felt like I was contracting more than I wasn't, so we packed up our stuff and headed for the hospital. They monitored the baby and the contractions, checked me for dilation, and decided they'd probably do the c-section that night, as they said I was contracting quite a bit.

By 2:00am, the OB came in to check the position of the baby by ultrasound, and immediately pronounced that it was head down! Our prayers had been answered! The baby flipped at the last minute! Amazing. I cried. I couldn't believe it. So, we went home and went to bed.

I stayed home from work on Tuesday with contractions pretty regular at 20 minutes apart. By evening they spaced out even further and I woke up on Wednesday morning with none.

Wednesday and Thursday were really boring. Very few contractions, and my emotional state was starting to deteriorate. Had a doctor's appointment Wednesday morning and he said he thought I had a 70% chance of going into labor on my own before my due date the next Monday. I thought that sounded good, and figured things would start ramping up any hour.

Friday came and I found myself having more contractions, and got hopeful again. Saturday came, same story: more contractions, mostly gone by bedtime. Now it's Sunday, and I'm simply planning on going to the hospital in the morning to have my doctor break the water. I just pray that things don't go wacky like they did last time.

This week has brought out a major issue in my life: friends. All my life I've had at least one best friend, and several close friends. Since my family is so small, there wasn't any emphasis on a closeness there; we never saw them that often, either. So, my friends have always been like my family. I've never had trouble making good friends wherever I've gone in life - the very first day of graduate school, I met my best friend, Kris, and we've continued to be close even though I moved away from the Twin Cities almost 5 years ago. One of my dearest friends lives in North Carolina, and we met when we were in elementary school. We're kindred spirits, like that nebulous "soul mate" that people always seem to be searching for, except of the friend variety, not the spousal variety.

Anyway, I've lived in the Fargo-Moorhead area now for almost 5 years (can't believe that) and while I've met some great people, and have some friends that I enjoy very much, I haven't found anyone that I feel I can just call up on a whim to chat about my day, or to talk to when I'm completely overwhelmed with life or my husband; someone who understands and listens and doesn't offer unsolicited advice. Now that we're in a smaller, more rural community, this issue in my life is much more exaggerated, as the women here seem to be even more unlike myself than any other place I've been in the last 10 years. They're great women, and I like being around them, but no one calls just to chat, or invites me/us over for dessert, or wants to go shopping or out for coffee. Yes, I've done the inviting, and they've responded very positively, but I don't always want to be the one doing the initiating, especially since I have to do that every single day in my marriage. I would like a mutual friendship, with someone who has similar interests and taste. I know my North Carolina friend is going through the same thing right now, so at least I know I'm not the only one, but it does make for some weird loneliness.

It's also brought up the issue of being a mom. It was something I never planned on doing or being. And while I love my son and my soon-to-be-born baby, I still want to be able to be me. I want to be able to leave the kids for an afternoon and 1) not feel guilty and 2) not feel pressured that I have to return at some certain time. I think I mourn my childless days to some extent. Finding balance in life is not always an easy thing to do.

At this point, I think I need ice cream.

Baby, baby, baby

I received some interesting news yesterday. We had to have an ultrasound to check the size of our baby, because I've been measuring quite big lately. Well, I was fairly worked up about the possibility of my doctor wanting to induce me, due to a big baby, but now I have something completely different to be worked up about: dear little baby is breech. Ugh.

I seriously never even considered that this could happen. Everything with my first pregnancy was so normal that I figured this would be, too. So, we have a new task upon our hands: turn this baby...and soon!

Our doula came with us to the ultrasound, and boy was I glad. The only thing I could think was, "I'm going to have to have a c-section, and we've just spent hundreds of dollars on the Bradley Birthing class and the doula, in order for me to have an unmedicated birth." Granted, I feel SO much more educated and empowered about pregnancy and birth that it's still worth it, even if I end up with a c-section, it's just a bummer.

So our doula immediately suggested I get in to see a chiropractor who does the Webster Technique - something used to help breech babies to flip. It's quite successful, from what I'm learning. By helping the uterine ligaments to relax, many times the baby will have just enough extra room to make the flip, as an irritated, tight ligament can hold a baby in place and not allow it to move. I definitely had an irritated ligament yesterday.

I will also see an acupuncturist on Monday, and everyday next week, in addition to the chiropractor, until something happens, or until we know that it's not going to happen. I have my 37 week prenatal appt on Monday and will also discuss an external version, where the doctor tries to manually turn the baby, which I've heard can be pretty intense. It honestly freaks me out, but I need to learn more before I make a decision.

I have been trying to strategically position myself at home as well: kneeling on the couch, and lowering myself down until my head is as close to the floor as I can get it. Not comfy, and my arms are pretty wimpy, so I don't last long, but I'm going to keep doing it.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions regarding this whole ordeal. First I had to deal with the thought of being induced due to a big baby, but now the thought of a c-section makes induction seem like a day at the park. I shed a few tears last night, crying out to God that I don't want a c-section. This morning I broke down again, as I tend to be more pessimistic than optimistic. Chris was there to help me see there's no known reason why this baby won't flip, as we caught the issue just in time.

I don't want to have major abdominal surgery. I've heard some people say it's great, cause you don't have to go through labor, but I've heard more people say it's not great, which is what I'm inclined to believe.

I'm trying to do some self-examination re: what is it that God wants me to learn or change that he's allowing this to happen? Is there some reason behind this baby being breech?

I've asked the elders to pray over me tomorrow morning at church, and will ask at Spirit Soak tomorrow night. With God all things are possible. I KNOW he understands my heart on this issue.

Very Pregnant

So, today, 10 months after my last post, I remembered that I have a blog, and decided to write in it. And yes, I'm very pregnant. In approximately 6 weeks, I will be giving birth to a new little human. I'm both anxious, excited, and terrified. As I watch my belly bounce around with the movements of Baby #2, I remember the, uh, interesting birth I had with Elijah, and continue to pray that things go completely differently this time. Different, as in, better. As in, no epidural, no spinal headache, no blood loss, no blood transfusions, no nursing problems, no dehydration...get the idea? It wasn't pretty. But I do have an adorable, sweet, amazing little boy now, so I'm very thankful for that. He's currently watching the Food Network right now, which I find both endearing, and troubling, as I really don't want him to be glued to the television. But, considering the FN is the best channel on the waves, I'll let it slide for now. :)

I don't have much energy today. Glad to be home, but also frustrated by the fact that instead of being home and enjoying myself, I have to think about the garage sale we're having this weekend, provided it doesn't rain, the 10 hours of work I need to complete at home this week, and find myself generally uncomfortable that my time is never mine, nor is it enough. I suppose this is something that I must get used to? Is that right? Jesus said that he came that we might have abundant life. I don't think I need to get used to this time deficit, I think I need to remember that God will give me enough time in each day for everything he gives me to do. That means I need to be more in tune with him, so that I'm not doing things that he doesn't give me to do. Hmmm....nice ponderings for a rainy Wednesday afternoon.

I was totally and completely just blessed by my friend Wanda who called and asked if she could bring Nichole's for lunch...OF COURSE!!! You can always bring Nichole's to my house for lunch - just in case anyone out there reads this and wonders... :) It definitely turned my day around - gave me a reason to get out of my pajamas, curl my hair, put makeup on, and be a normal person for the day! Got my mental health out of the toilet and back to normal, too. Thanks you Wanda!

Spent....

Today I'm spent. My physical, emotional, and mental energy is vacant. I am feeling rather rebellious - I am not going to clean the house, I'm not going to work, I didn't even want to take a shower or dry my hair, but I did. I just want to lounge on the couch, shop on ebay, and watch the Foodnetwork. And maybe nap. And eat cookies. And maybe a Coke or a mocha. Hmmm....

Sexual Common Sense

The following is taken from a series of lectures by Professor Janet E. Smith entitled, "Sexual Common Sense."

When people have sexual intercourse with each other, the body says something. What the body says is, “I want to give myself completely to you and to receive you as a gift.” That’s what the act of sexual intercourse means: I’m giving myself completely to you as a gift, and I want to receive you as a gift. It should be saying, “I will respect you as a person. I’m not engaging in this as an animal act; I’m engaging in this as an interpersonal act. As a person, that means I respect your needs, your dreams, your goals in this world. I don’t use you. I will deserve your trust.”

There’s a promise in this act. Those who have sexual intercourse with each other are saying, “I promise you that I will be here. This is the kind of act that can produce a baby. Any act that can produce a baby requires me to make a commitment that I am here for you and any children that we might conceive. I will not use or exploit you. I will delight in your otherness and of course, I am willing to be a parent with you. The act of sexual intercourse has its own language. You shake a hand; that means something. Sometimes you won’t shake a person’s hand – why won’t you shake a person’s hand? Cause you know it means something. If I shake your hand that means I at least have some respect for you, at least some openness to you. But if I disdain you or despise you, I’m going to have a darn hard time just shaking your hand….

When male and female use sex to mean something other than what it intrinsically, inherently, and naturally means…they are lying with their bodies. It used to be that after a night of lovemaking, the woman would say to the man, “I guess we’re in love.” He’d say, “Wha’dya mean?” She’d say, “Well, we gave ourselves to each other last night completely – we engaged in an act of lovemaking.” He’d say, “What are you talking about? That was kind of fun, but I’m outta here.” She feels betrayed, “I thought it meant something!” It does mean something, right? It objectively means something. If you don’t mean what it means, you lied to me. You lied to me with your body. This is an act of complete self-giving.

I Think I May Have Ceased to Exist

Why?

1. I'm a pastor's wife.

2. I'm a mother.