Sexual Common Sense

The following is taken from a series of lectures by Professor Janet E. Smith entitled, "Sexual Common Sense."

When people have sexual intercourse with each other, the body says something. What the body says is, “I want to give myself completely to you and to receive you as a gift.” That’s what the act of sexual intercourse means: I’m giving myself completely to you as a gift, and I want to receive you as a gift. It should be saying, “I will respect you as a person. I’m not engaging in this as an animal act; I’m engaging in this as an interpersonal act. As a person, that means I respect your needs, your dreams, your goals in this world. I don’t use you. I will deserve your trust.”

There’s a promise in this act. Those who have sexual intercourse with each other are saying, “I promise you that I will be here. This is the kind of act that can produce a baby. Any act that can produce a baby requires me to make a commitment that I am here for you and any children that we might conceive. I will not use or exploit you. I will delight in your otherness and of course, I am willing to be a parent with you. The act of sexual intercourse has its own language. You shake a hand; that means something. Sometimes you won’t shake a person’s hand – why won’t you shake a person’s hand? Cause you know it means something. If I shake your hand that means I at least have some respect for you, at least some openness to you. But if I disdain you or despise you, I’m going to have a darn hard time just shaking your hand….

When male and female use sex to mean something other than what it intrinsically, inherently, and naturally means…they are lying with their bodies. It used to be that after a night of lovemaking, the woman would say to the man, “I guess we’re in love.” He’d say, “Wha’dya mean?” She’d say, “Well, we gave ourselves to each other last night completely – we engaged in an act of lovemaking.” He’d say, “What are you talking about? That was kind of fun, but I’m outta here.” She feels betrayed, “I thought it meant something!” It does mean something, right? It objectively means something. If you don’t mean what it means, you lied to me. You lied to me with your body. This is an act of complete self-giving.