A Weekend of Tears
Life is so strange. You think you have things figured out and then you realize that you've been living at a status quo that no longer makes the grade. Nor should it have ever made the grade. Do you ever have that happen? I often have it happen in my life, but this weekend it was focused on my spiritual life, as well as that life that goes on inside your head - that part where you're trying to be a better person and learning things and trying to apply them to your life. I realize that my spiritual life should be one with my inside-my-head life, but I'm not so sure that's been the case; ever.
First of all, my best friend called on Friday night to tell me she'd received some good, but also rather disturbing news at the doctor's office that afternoon. The good news is that she was 9 weeks pregnant. The disturbing news was that neither she nor her doctors knew it when they did an HSG procedure on her about 3 weeks ago. Scary. (An HSG - I think it stands for hysterosalpinogram, or something close to that - is the procedure to determine if a woman's fallopian tubes are clear or if there is blockage. They insert a catheter through the cervix, shoot some sort of saline/dye solution into the uterus, and force it out the fallopian tubes. I had one in December; they're not particularly fun, especially when the doctor can't get the catheter through your cervix and you think you're going to vomit on yourself from the pain. Anyway, I digress....) Basically, she had the procedure while pregnant and now she's freaking out. I don't blame her. I would have freaked out, too, although I played the role of strong, supportive friend; the voice of reason.
Anyway, aside from the wonderful news that she's pregnant, my little heart was breaking ever so slightly, although I did my best to mask it's cracks. Over the past 21 months of my endeavor to conceive (something I have not discussed on this blog, as it is a strange process that I wasn't really comfortable putting out there for all the world to see, even though I talk about it openly with all my friends and basically anyone who asks) my friend, who never wanted children and didn't think she could have any for various and assundry reasons, has told me the whole time, "I can't wait for you to get pregnant! I'm going to buy you all sorts of cute baby clothes and throw you showers!" Etc, etc, etc... And now, here we are, 21 months later, and she's pregnant, and I am not (well, technically I COULD be, but won't know for several days...anyone who's been there knows the routine). Now, please know that I'm not complaining, or begrudging her pregnancy. It just makes my sad heart all the more aware of its sadness.
I haven't noticed the sadness as much with my other friends. Almost everyone I know right now is pregnant, just had a baby, or is trying to have one and is having trouble like me. Some end up pregnant through IUI or IVF or Clomid. Some are lucky enough to be able to conceive on their own. But it seemed that this weekend was especially, well, baby-logged. I found out two more couples we know are expecting, all within about 24 hours of hearing of my friend. This morning there was a baby dedication in church: the second one in as many weeks. Normally that's not a big deal to me, but for whatever reason, our pastor chose to play a 3 minute video clip of pictures of tiny babies, pregnant bellies, and small children with their parents, while all the Bible verses that mention children or rearing children were flashed below the pics. For whatever reason, the tears flowed. Heavily.
Let me just say this: when you're the wife of a pastor, you have this strange dichotomy of, "I have this trouble, but I don't necessarily want the ENTIRE congregation to know my personal business." In fact, when I approached the head pastor's wife about this very issue she said that if I want to ask for prayer, to take it just to the elders. I was hoping she'd say that. Anyway, it created a difficult moment for me; a moment that was already very difficult.
But, I made it through, with the strong supportive arm of Chris next to me. And then came the spritual stretching.
This church that we are part of is ALIVE. The Spirit is there, the teaching is strong and vivid, and the people are so warm, welcoming, and supportive. And in those things, comes spiritual upheaval. At least for me. It never ceases to amaze me that the Spirit teaches you new things, even though these new things are really actually old things, and they're things you've learned before, except not exactly. You might know what I mean.
Example: I used to tithe regularly, during a time when I was single. Got away from it when I met Chris, as we were not attending the same church at first, and then, when we were, I was living off my loans, which I didn't count as income, whether that's right or not. Anyway, somewhere along the road, I became really stingey. We had been giving over the last 2 years, but not "tithing" per se (10%). Not that we HAVE to give 10%, but that is a good guideline. Once Chris left his job in March, we stopped giving almost entirely. And while God did do some amazing things in our life during that time, we were so self-focused. In fact, I'd say most of our marriage has been self-focused. (It's hard not to be, when you don't have enough money to pay your bills some months, I guess.) I realized today that while I became stingey in my pocketbook, I became stingey in my heart. Judgmental, hard-hearted, sarcastic, unloving, uncaring, bitter. Where do these things come from? Not from the Spirit! The fruit of the Spirit is goodness, kindness, patience, peace, gentleness, and a few other things I can't remember, but that don't have anything to do with the things I had become.
Then Pastor Steve said something that really hit home: "What you do with your money is directly related to how you view Jesus." Woah. Wait a minute. You mean.... My stingeyness... Jesus.... Uh. Yes. All of the above.
Crap.
No wonder I've felt so congested for so many years. Congested spiritual, mentally, emotionally even. Relationally.
I actually think that the sermon, which was entitled, "The Opposite of Selfishness," even spoke to my whole situation with conceiving. God blesses the cheerful giver. He enlarges, makes fruitful, and multiplies them, in many various forms. Seems that might have something to do with children.
Now, I don't think that my selfishness is the direct reason I haven't become pregnant, but I sure do want to remedy the situation before I do. Or while I do. Or whatever. And who knows...maybe it is the reason?
All I know is that I want to be a blessing to others, and my life lately has become about trying to bless myself. I think I've had it backwards, don't you?
First of all, my best friend called on Friday night to tell me she'd received some good, but also rather disturbing news at the doctor's office that afternoon. The good news is that she was 9 weeks pregnant. The disturbing news was that neither she nor her doctors knew it when they did an HSG procedure on her about 3 weeks ago. Scary. (An HSG - I think it stands for hysterosalpinogram, or something close to that - is the procedure to determine if a woman's fallopian tubes are clear or if there is blockage. They insert a catheter through the cervix, shoot some sort of saline/dye solution into the uterus, and force it out the fallopian tubes. I had one in December; they're not particularly fun, especially when the doctor can't get the catheter through your cervix and you think you're going to vomit on yourself from the pain. Anyway, I digress....) Basically, she had the procedure while pregnant and now she's freaking out. I don't blame her. I would have freaked out, too, although I played the role of strong, supportive friend; the voice of reason.
Anyway, aside from the wonderful news that she's pregnant, my little heart was breaking ever so slightly, although I did my best to mask it's cracks. Over the past 21 months of my endeavor to conceive (something I have not discussed on this blog, as it is a strange process that I wasn't really comfortable putting out there for all the world to see, even though I talk about it openly with all my friends and basically anyone who asks) my friend, who never wanted children and didn't think she could have any for various and assundry reasons, has told me the whole time, "I can't wait for you to get pregnant! I'm going to buy you all sorts of cute baby clothes and throw you showers!" Etc, etc, etc... And now, here we are, 21 months later, and she's pregnant, and I am not (well, technically I COULD be, but won't know for several days...anyone who's been there knows the routine). Now, please know that I'm not complaining, or begrudging her pregnancy. It just makes my sad heart all the more aware of its sadness.
I haven't noticed the sadness as much with my other friends. Almost everyone I know right now is pregnant, just had a baby, or is trying to have one and is having trouble like me. Some end up pregnant through IUI or IVF or Clomid. Some are lucky enough to be able to conceive on their own. But it seemed that this weekend was especially, well, baby-logged. I found out two more couples we know are expecting, all within about 24 hours of hearing of my friend. This morning there was a baby dedication in church: the second one in as many weeks. Normally that's not a big deal to me, but for whatever reason, our pastor chose to play a 3 minute video clip of pictures of tiny babies, pregnant bellies, and small children with their parents, while all the Bible verses that mention children or rearing children were flashed below the pics. For whatever reason, the tears flowed. Heavily.
Let me just say this: when you're the wife of a pastor, you have this strange dichotomy of, "I have this trouble, but I don't necessarily want the ENTIRE congregation to know my personal business." In fact, when I approached the head pastor's wife about this very issue she said that if I want to ask for prayer, to take it just to the elders. I was hoping she'd say that. Anyway, it created a difficult moment for me; a moment that was already very difficult.
But, I made it through, with the strong supportive arm of Chris next to me. And then came the spritual stretching.
This church that we are part of is ALIVE. The Spirit is there, the teaching is strong and vivid, and the people are so warm, welcoming, and supportive. And in those things, comes spiritual upheaval. At least for me. It never ceases to amaze me that the Spirit teaches you new things, even though these new things are really actually old things, and they're things you've learned before, except not exactly. You might know what I mean.
Example: I used to tithe regularly, during a time when I was single. Got away from it when I met Chris, as we were not attending the same church at first, and then, when we were, I was living off my loans, which I didn't count as income, whether that's right or not. Anyway, somewhere along the road, I became really stingey. We had been giving over the last 2 years, but not "tithing" per se (10%). Not that we HAVE to give 10%, but that is a good guideline. Once Chris left his job in March, we stopped giving almost entirely. And while God did do some amazing things in our life during that time, we were so self-focused. In fact, I'd say most of our marriage has been self-focused. (It's hard not to be, when you don't have enough money to pay your bills some months, I guess.) I realized today that while I became stingey in my pocketbook, I became stingey in my heart. Judgmental, hard-hearted, sarcastic, unloving, uncaring, bitter. Where do these things come from? Not from the Spirit! The fruit of the Spirit is goodness, kindness, patience, peace, gentleness, and a few other things I can't remember, but that don't have anything to do with the things I had become.
Then Pastor Steve said something that really hit home: "What you do with your money is directly related to how you view Jesus." Woah. Wait a minute. You mean.... My stingeyness... Jesus.... Uh. Yes. All of the above.
Crap.
No wonder I've felt so congested for so many years. Congested spiritual, mentally, emotionally even. Relationally.
I actually think that the sermon, which was entitled, "The Opposite of Selfishness," even spoke to my whole situation with conceiving. God blesses the cheerful giver. He enlarges, makes fruitful, and multiplies them, in many various forms. Seems that might have something to do with children.
Now, I don't think that my selfishness is the direct reason I haven't become pregnant, but I sure do want to remedy the situation before I do. Or while I do. Or whatever. And who knows...maybe it is the reason?
All I know is that I want to be a blessing to others, and my life lately has become about trying to bless myself. I think I've had it backwards, don't you?
posted by Heather | 6:14 PM
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2 comments
