Hormone Meltown

I had a meltdown today. Chris had to be at the church from 8-12 for another spiritual gifts class, so I stayed in my pajamas all morning. He still hadn't come home by 12:45, so I called him and he wondered if I wanted to go out to the cafe for lunch, cause a bunch of people were meeting there. I hadn't showered, was still in my pajamas, and wasn't necessarily hungry, but I said I'd go.

Well, I tried to go upstairs and put on some clothes, but when I put my pants on, they were tighter in the thighs and butt than they normally were, and I couldn't find a shirt to wear and when I finally did put a shirt on, I raised my arms above my head and my shirt went halfway up my midsection. I felt gross and fat and disgusting, so I called Chris back to tell him I wasn't coming, but he didn't answer. The home phone rang at the same time, so I answered it and it was a guy from church, and I was on the verge of tears and wasn't very cordial to him.

Finally Chris called me back and I lost it, so he said he'd come home and I went upstairs and cried in the shower.

I didn't realize until last Thursday how much I miss shopping and wearing cute clothes and looking nice. I can't even wear nice shoes, because my feet and legs get sore and tired more quickly than normal. I feel frumpy and fat and I'm scared I'm not going to lose my pregnancy weight, much less the 15 pounds I'd gained before I got pregnant. The worst part? I went to the mall during a break from work on Thursday, because I was missing shopping so much. I went into two stores and not one sales clerk approached me, either time. It was sort of insulting. But, I partly don't blame them. I was wearing a Columbia jacket (not the height of fashion), Dansko shoes (comfy, but again, not particularly cute or even nice looking), and maternity corderoys (need I say more?). My belly was showing, as I had my jacket unbuttoned, and I'm sure they were wondering why I was wandering around their Express store. Sad.

The other worst part is that some of my maternity pants are starting to be tight. I don't particularly want to buy MORE pants. Plus, the thought of my thighs expanding is like a horror show in my head.

Now, don't get me wrong: I haven't gained all that much weight. Somewhere around 13-14 pounds, in almost 22 weeks. Plus, my doctor warned me that over these last 4 weeks I'd probably gain the most and not to be surprised if I come in the next time (Monday) and have put on 4-6 pounds.

I don't mean to sound like a complainer - I WANT to be pregnant, and I'm actually loving pregnancy for the most part - I just had a crazy hormone moment and the realization that my body really is different now, and I missed feeling cute and stylish.

And I just felt my baby kick and that has to be the most awesome feeling in the world.