Decision Making Time

So, I applied for a different job on Monday. Now, the point of this entry is not the new job, but the thoughts about leaving the old one. I'm not getting my hopes up for this new one, because I don't want to be disappointed if I don't get it. But I do want to be hopeful.

As I go about my everyday life, the thought of seeing clients makes me nervous, anxious, dreadful, and crazy. I've been like this since Day One, September 29th, 2003, in Stillwater, Minnesota, at Family Means in my internship. (Well, okay, the VERY first day I wasn't dreading it -but I was all of the other things.) I survived my internship and thought that once I get out in the "real world" things would get easier. I was told that it's normal to feel anxious and nervous when you're new. So, I put up with it. I worked a couple part time gigs the first year out of school, and really didn't do a whole lot of therapy. But, I dreaded every hour that I did do.

Then I had a bad incident with a job when we moved to Fargo. Hated it. Hated it, hated it, hated it. So I started working where I'm at now, and thought, "I'm finally in my dream job, things will get better." Well, I don't hate it, just like I didn't hate my internship, but, I do dread seeing clients, I'm a big ball of tension every minute I'm with them (I had a huge neck ache when I left last night), and I'm so relieved when they either don't show up or cancel. This is RIDICULOUS! It's absolutely ludicrous. So, basically, things haven't gotten better and I can't live like this anymore.

It's a big disappointment. I thought I was going to be a therapist for the rest of my life, or at least for several years. You know, get licensed, have a practice, help people, be a hero (yeah, I know, being a hero is highly overrated.) Whatever. Because I'm so picky about the populations of people I work with, it's going to take me forever to get licensed, because I don't work full time - not enough clients. At this point, it's very discouraging.

The question I'm asking myself now is, "Is it just that I don't like to work, or is it that I don't like to be a therapist?" Also, "Is it the responsibility that's driving me crazy?"

Now, I go to work every day at the credit services office, and even though it's not my favorite thing, I go and do my work. Not a big deal. However, there's very little responsibility involved. So, no sweat, right?

So, then when I was 23, why was I itching to be promoted to more and more responsible positions at my job in retail? I didn't run from it then. What's the deal? And, I carried out my responsibilities just fine there. However, there was always someone else who was ultimately in charge - the manager - so things never fell directly on my head. Also, that job seemed more like social time and play time than a real job. Maybe it's all in my viewpoint.

So, what happens if I get this job I applied for. There's responsibility in it. Am I going to go running again? And what's the real issue there? That I'm afraid of failing? That I can't handle pressure? That someone's going to get mad at me? I don't know.

I need to figure this out before I venture out into another job. I never had any issues with jobs before I went through grad school. Husband thinks I have committment problems and that it has something to do with the fact that I can't go back to school anymore.

It's all a big pain in the butt.