Oh Lord, Why Me!!
The time since I last posted has FLOWN by. I do love working full time again, since I love my new job so much, and I enjoy being more occupied during the week. It's been a busy time. I am going shopping tonight after work, then home to take a walk with my hubby since it's finally nice outside (!) and then I'm going to just stay home and do whatever I want. I've been taking a personal inventory lately, and I'm realizing that I'm much more high maintenance than I ever thought I was. I'm not that way emotionally, but just in the amount of time I need to sleep and rest and be able to do my own thing...I need a lot of that time. I still don't enjoy getting up before 8:00, but I guess that'll come with time.
Anyway. More to the point of what I was going to say.
I made a quick trip to MSP on Sunday. Left at 8:00 am and got home about 9:45ish that night. The reason for my trip was a baby shower for my friend, Dawn. It was a good trip, but it was hard.
First of all, I practically bawled my way down to the Cities, which is pretty unlike me. I'm not much of a crier. Anyway, I took a couple of my favorite CD's and sang and prayed and enjoyed the sunshine and nice weather. I arrived in Roseville at 11:30 to have lunch with Kris at Rosedale at the new Panera there. I get out of my car, glad to be back "home," and proceed to be hit on by a passing male. This is exactly what I didn't want. I completely ignored said male and trucked it right into Panera where I partook of a very tasty personal-sized quiche. It had spinach and bacon in it and a flakey crust and I could have eaten 4.
Kris and I strolled around the mall for about an hour after lunch. It was nice to be back there. We both bought $9.99 clearance sweaters at Express, and shared a White Chocolate Truffle Frozen Yogurt at TCBY. It was fun, and not nearly long enough.
Then I went to the shower, which was held in one of the brownstone apartments on Summit in St. Paul. The apartment was awesome, although very small, and there were 35 women. It was good to see Dawn and her belly. She's 7 weeks away from her due date. It was all somewhat surreal. I sat with several other women my age whom I had attended church with "back in the day." They all have children now, too. One even has twins. Crazy.
Then I had to drive home.
I drove thru town on 94 and looked at all the places I used to go on a regular basis. It was like grieving all over again. That's where I want to be, for the rest of my life. I would be happy as a clam to move back there right now. I came home and poured my frustration out to my husband, and we are at a complete roadblock; an impasse. He hates the Cities as much as I love them. I don't want to be anywhere else. I even went so far as to say I wish I'd known this before we got married, but that doesn't do me any good now. He even said that he had to "tolerate" living in Fargo. He wants to be out of town, in the countryside. I wish he knew this about me before he asked me to marry him: I grew up in the country. I hated every moment of it. All I ever wanted was to be where the action was - to be with my friends, where I could bike to the pool every day, or walk to school. No, I had to ride the bus where I was tormented every day, and I had to stay home during the summers all by myself. Sure, my mom would take me into town several days out of the week on her lunch break, but I also knew that was a burden for her. Not that I loved the town where I went to school. In fact, I don't care for it much, and would never want to live there. But it was the only place I could go to see friends and have something to do. Sure, living in the country is peaceful and beautiful. When you grow up knowing that you're a city girl at heart, it's pretty disheartening to find out that your husband will never allow you to live where you want to live.
And, yes, it's my own fault that we live in Fargo to begin with. Had I not wanted to run from our stuck-situation in the Cities in want of jobs, we would never be here. My mother said that to me over the phone not long after we moved here. Chris isn't a man of action, and so her thought was that if I hadn't gone forward with wanting to move to Fargo, we would never have left, because Chris never would have gotten it done. I tend to agree with her. However, this does not do me any good, either.
Then, I think: Who am I looking out for? Me. I'm not taking Chris' feelings or wishes into consideration. Except, it's really hard to do that, cause the one thing I want, he doesn't want, and the one thing he wants, I don't want. So, and I've said this to him several times, one of us has to live where they don't want to live and not be pleased with this situation. (Actually, what I said was, "So, that means, if you get to live where you want, then I have to live here and be miserable for the rest of my life." Or vice versa.) So what IS the answer?
Do we move to Seattle? Do we move to Kansas City, or somewhere that isn't tied to one of our personal desires? Chris sarcastically said (after I told him how I want to be where the action is and where there are loads of opportunities and adventures), "Then why don't we move to Paris?!" I said, "GREAT! I'd LOVE to live in Paris!" (He didn't think before he said that, I'm pretty sure.)
So, here we are again. There's a really, really good looking youth pastor position in Eden Prairie right now. I could definitely handle living in E.P. I want Chris to apply. If I leave it up to him, I know he won't do it. There are 3 youth pastor positions open in town here, but two are at a Lutheran church, and to be quite honest, neither one of us is very interested in that, although we should check it out before we make that decision and NOT apply.
I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that the life I want to lead is not in Fargo. I know there might be people who read this and say, "The life you want should be wherever your husband is." Well, that's all fine and good, if you don't have dreams and aspirations in your life, but I do. I don't think I had to check my brain/personality/ambition at the door when I got married.
Maybe there isn't an answer. I even think it might be different if we had moved here for Chris' job that he loved and he was in ministry and loving it. But right now, it's not different.
Anyway. More to the point of what I was going to say.
I made a quick trip to MSP on Sunday. Left at 8:00 am and got home about 9:45ish that night. The reason for my trip was a baby shower for my friend, Dawn. It was a good trip, but it was hard.
First of all, I practically bawled my way down to the Cities, which is pretty unlike me. I'm not much of a crier. Anyway, I took a couple of my favorite CD's and sang and prayed and enjoyed the sunshine and nice weather. I arrived in Roseville at 11:30 to have lunch with Kris at Rosedale at the new Panera there. I get out of my car, glad to be back "home," and proceed to be hit on by a passing male. This is exactly what I didn't want. I completely ignored said male and trucked it right into Panera where I partook of a very tasty personal-sized quiche. It had spinach and bacon in it and a flakey crust and I could have eaten 4.
Kris and I strolled around the mall for about an hour after lunch. It was nice to be back there. We both bought $9.99 clearance sweaters at Express, and shared a White Chocolate Truffle Frozen Yogurt at TCBY. It was fun, and not nearly long enough.
Then I went to the shower, which was held in one of the brownstone apartments on Summit in St. Paul. The apartment was awesome, although very small, and there were 35 women. It was good to see Dawn and her belly. She's 7 weeks away from her due date. It was all somewhat surreal. I sat with several other women my age whom I had attended church with "back in the day." They all have children now, too. One even has twins. Crazy.
Then I had to drive home.
I drove thru town on 94 and looked at all the places I used to go on a regular basis. It was like grieving all over again. That's where I want to be, for the rest of my life. I would be happy as a clam to move back there right now. I came home and poured my frustration out to my husband, and we are at a complete roadblock; an impasse. He hates the Cities as much as I love them. I don't want to be anywhere else. I even went so far as to say I wish I'd known this before we got married, but that doesn't do me any good now. He even said that he had to "tolerate" living in Fargo. He wants to be out of town, in the countryside. I wish he knew this about me before he asked me to marry him: I grew up in the country. I hated every moment of it. All I ever wanted was to be where the action was - to be with my friends, where I could bike to the pool every day, or walk to school. No, I had to ride the bus where I was tormented every day, and I had to stay home during the summers all by myself. Sure, my mom would take me into town several days out of the week on her lunch break, but I also knew that was a burden for her. Not that I loved the town where I went to school. In fact, I don't care for it much, and would never want to live there. But it was the only place I could go to see friends and have something to do. Sure, living in the country is peaceful and beautiful. When you grow up knowing that you're a city girl at heart, it's pretty disheartening to find out that your husband will never allow you to live where you want to live.
And, yes, it's my own fault that we live in Fargo to begin with. Had I not wanted to run from our stuck-situation in the Cities in want of jobs, we would never be here. My mother said that to me over the phone not long after we moved here. Chris isn't a man of action, and so her thought was that if I hadn't gone forward with wanting to move to Fargo, we would never have left, because Chris never would have gotten it done. I tend to agree with her. However, this does not do me any good, either.
Then, I think: Who am I looking out for? Me. I'm not taking Chris' feelings or wishes into consideration. Except, it's really hard to do that, cause the one thing I want, he doesn't want, and the one thing he wants, I don't want. So, and I've said this to him several times, one of us has to live where they don't want to live and not be pleased with this situation. (Actually, what I said was, "So, that means, if you get to live where you want, then I have to live here and be miserable for the rest of my life." Or vice versa.) So what IS the answer?
Do we move to Seattle? Do we move to Kansas City, or somewhere that isn't tied to one of our personal desires? Chris sarcastically said (after I told him how I want to be where the action is and where there are loads of opportunities and adventures), "Then why don't we move to Paris?!" I said, "GREAT! I'd LOVE to live in Paris!" (He didn't think before he said that, I'm pretty sure.)
So, here we are again. There's a really, really good looking youth pastor position in Eden Prairie right now. I could definitely handle living in E.P. I want Chris to apply. If I leave it up to him, I know he won't do it. There are 3 youth pastor positions open in town here, but two are at a Lutheran church, and to be quite honest, neither one of us is very interested in that, although we should check it out before we make that decision and NOT apply.
I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that the life I want to lead is not in Fargo. I know there might be people who read this and say, "The life you want should be wherever your husband is." Well, that's all fine and good, if you don't have dreams and aspirations in your life, but I do. I don't think I had to check my brain/personality/ambition at the door when I got married.
Maybe there isn't an answer. I even think it might be different if we had moved here for Chris' job that he loved and he was in ministry and loving it. But right now, it's not different.
posted by Heather | 1:43 PM
1 Comments:
At least your hair looks good, right? Plus...Lucky you getting to drive for two hours and getting to meet up with some of your friends. Plus...Yea for you getting a job that you absolutely love. Now that I start to think of it, I'm making myself jealous. On that note: adios. (hope to see you soon)
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