Bathroom Thoughts
I had to chuckle to myself as I thought about the title of this post. The pastor who married us asked beforehand if we had any requests or restrictions for him in terms of what he could say as he spoke at the wedding. I made it very clear that I wanted no jokes and no funny business. I always think that pastors who begin the wedding ceremony with a joke have no class whatsoever - it's a WEDDING! Get a clue! Anyway, as Sid opened his mouth and the words, "Today I want to talk about something I read on a poster in the bathroom today before the ceremony. I'll call it Bathroom Theology," I nearly died. You can see my expression on the video tape - my eyes widen and my chin drops ever so slightly. Anyway...I just had a thought in the bathroom, and since this isn't a wedding ceremony, I felt it appropriate to title my blog by my epiphany.
As you know, my dear husband and I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster since he graduated from seminary, back in June of 2005. We've been in Fargo now for 17 months with only ONE job prospect for said husband, and it has yet to become an actual position. Anyway, I keep having these thoughts, "If only Chris could find the right job. If only I could find a better paying job. If only we could buy a house. If only we could buy a truck for Chris. If only, if only, if only...." And I never thought of myself as a person who bases their happiness on material things, but I was suddenly struck, in the bathroom as it were, that I'm putting my hope in our jobs. My hope is not in Jesus Christ and his death on the cross, where it should be. My hope is on our job situations! I think about this more than I think about anything else, even God. (Except, maybe, to be mad at God for not fixing this whole strange arrangement, and for blaming him for allowing me to move to FARGO!!) I constantly compare our life to everyone else's life, which, of course, looks so much better and happier than ours.
What would it mean to take my hope off our jobs (or the idea of having the perfect job)? All my life I've been confident of my abilities. I could almost always secure exactly what I wanted for myself. That's not the case anymore. I wonder why it was so easy before, but now it's not. I don't really know what's different. I guess I'm in a different bracket than I used to be. I suppose there's a big difference between being chosen for first chair in the All State Orchestra and getting a professional job. Anyway...that's beside the point.
At what point do I stop putting my hope in our jobs? I suppose it should be right this second, because this hope is not paying off at all, and it's misplaced. Now, while it's okay to hope for things - I still hope that we get into better situations - I have to stop staking my future happiness (or present happiness) and my dreams and my life in the things we can attain or achieve. What if God is allowing this burp in our lives to happen to teach us to put our hope in him? I'd say that I'm pretty dense, because it's been a long time, and I haven't learned it yet! Plus, I'm doing the exact opposite: I'm doubting him and blaming him and getting angry with him and giving him the silent treatment. This really hasn't gotten me far. I'd say it's put me back...a lot.
So, what now? It seems like it could be a very freeing thing to stop placing my hope in myself, since that is essentially what I'm doing. I guess in our world, we have to place our hope in something and these days you can't depend on other people too much so it might as well be yourself, right? Problem is, I'm not of the world. That means I can't live that way. I've been given a higher calling.
I'll let'cha know how it goes...
I think this must be part of the refining process that we go through as Christians, and for me, this is a particularly hard area. All of my heathen life (age 0-19), I grew up being told I could do and be anything I want. This was a kind of salvation for me, coming from a fairly poor, lower middle class family. I always knew I was going to rise above my upbringing and achieve and do the things my parents didn't do. The funny thing is, I've not done that, in any way, shape or form, at least vocationally or financially. And, in case you've forgotten, I'm going to be 30 this year... hee hee...
Hmmm...
As you know, my dear husband and I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster since he graduated from seminary, back in June of 2005. We've been in Fargo now for 17 months with only ONE job prospect for said husband, and it has yet to become an actual position. Anyway, I keep having these thoughts, "If only Chris could find the right job. If only I could find a better paying job. If only we could buy a house. If only we could buy a truck for Chris. If only, if only, if only...." And I never thought of myself as a person who bases their happiness on material things, but I was suddenly struck, in the bathroom as it were, that I'm putting my hope in our jobs. My hope is not in Jesus Christ and his death on the cross, where it should be. My hope is on our job situations! I think about this more than I think about anything else, even God. (Except, maybe, to be mad at God for not fixing this whole strange arrangement, and for blaming him for allowing me to move to FARGO!!) I constantly compare our life to everyone else's life, which, of course, looks so much better and happier than ours.
What would it mean to take my hope off our jobs (or the idea of having the perfect job)? All my life I've been confident of my abilities. I could almost always secure exactly what I wanted for myself. That's not the case anymore. I wonder why it was so easy before, but now it's not. I don't really know what's different. I guess I'm in a different bracket than I used to be. I suppose there's a big difference between being chosen for first chair in the All State Orchestra and getting a professional job. Anyway...that's beside the point.
At what point do I stop putting my hope in our jobs? I suppose it should be right this second, because this hope is not paying off at all, and it's misplaced. Now, while it's okay to hope for things - I still hope that we get into better situations - I have to stop staking my future happiness (or present happiness) and my dreams and my life in the things we can attain or achieve. What if God is allowing this burp in our lives to happen to teach us to put our hope in him? I'd say that I'm pretty dense, because it's been a long time, and I haven't learned it yet! Plus, I'm doing the exact opposite: I'm doubting him and blaming him and getting angry with him and giving him the silent treatment. This really hasn't gotten me far. I'd say it's put me back...a lot.
So, what now? It seems like it could be a very freeing thing to stop placing my hope in myself, since that is essentially what I'm doing. I guess in our world, we have to place our hope in something and these days you can't depend on other people too much so it might as well be yourself, right? Problem is, I'm not of the world. That means I can't live that way. I've been given a higher calling.
I'll let'cha know how it goes...
I think this must be part of the refining process that we go through as Christians, and for me, this is a particularly hard area. All of my heathen life (age 0-19), I grew up being told I could do and be anything I want. This was a kind of salvation for me, coming from a fairly poor, lower middle class family. I always knew I was going to rise above my upbringing and achieve and do the things my parents didn't do. The funny thing is, I've not done that, in any way, shape or form, at least vocationally or financially. And, in case you've forgotten, I'm going to be 30 this year... hee hee...
Hmmm...
posted by Heather | 12:34 PM
2 Comments:
I'm very much looking forward to seeing you tonight.
i responded to your comment. it was quite lenghty, so i just posted it on my blog instead of as a comment.
-fargo john.
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