Why My Life Sucks...By Heather

How's that for a title? That's kind of what I'm feeling like today. In taking stock of my life, I have decided it sucks. I actually could write an essay on it. I don't want to complain, but I want to vent.

I remember reading a children's book when I was a little girl, the title of which was, "The Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Very Bad Day." I still remember the first line: "I went to bed with gum in my mouth, and now there's gum in my hair." The kid was kind of an Eeyore in the book. I kind of feel like that today, like I have a black cloud floating around above my head.

For starters, I've been dieting for the past two weeks. I didn't lose anything the first week, but I attributed that to mother nature. Today I got on the scale and had actually GAINED two pounds. How does that work? I said to my husband, "This is just the icing on my proverbial cake. I try to do something good for myself and I end up doing just the opposite." I give up.

Last night, I made my mother cry. It was one of those conversations that you have to have, but you put it off for a long time. Well, I had put it off for too long. Now she thinks that I don't want her and my dad to move up to Fargo and that she's supposed to stop being a mother. It was literally as if I had some sort of sci-fi gadget attached to my mouth that translated the words that I was saying into different words that she heard. It was bizarre. Tres bizarre.

There are no jobs for a youth pastor and an unlicensed marriage and family therapist in Fargo. I look in the paper every damn Sunday, hoping, hoping to see something worth applying for. I've sent out 2 resumes in the past 6 months. That's how bad it is. Chris has sent out one resume in the past 6 months, and the job that he applied for isn't even a real job yet. And it may never be. I've had it. I've just completely had it. And, even though there are TWO, count them, TWO jobs that I would LOVE to have in the Twin Cities area, I can't apply for them because my husband won't move back there. I asked him the other day, "Are you willing to work at DirecTV for the rest of your life if it means that you can live in Fargo?" He said that there's nothing worth working at DirecTV for the rest of his life, but his actions indicate otherwise.

I also can't seem to get my relationship with God worked out to a place where I actually feel like I have one. I've spent much of the past 2.5 years being mad at him, and it's taken it's toll. I thought I had stopped being mad at him last spring, but it's back. My husband says that it's okay to be mad at God; I get mad at my husband sometimes and that's okay. Well, I understand that, but I've never been mad at my husband for 2.5 years, and I imagine if I had been, it would be very detrimental to the relationship. Don'tcha think?!?!

An old lady just came into the office and growled at me! That was scary.

I think there needs to be one of those Office Max "easy" buttons for life - everytime you need an answer to something you just push the button. So far, prayer and my own brain power hasn't been able to figure out what to do about all of this. Joyce Meyer says that the number one thing that keeps people from being blessed is disobedience. I've scoured my life for disobedience and am working on that, too. Maybe there's something I can't see.

What spawned this blog of awfulness was reading my friend's blog this morning of all the good things that had happened in his life over the past year. I looked back on my year, and had ONE thing worth mentioning. That felt kind of depressing. I like movement, change, growth. Growth is good! I keep wondering what God is trying to teach me through all of this...patience, perseverence, trust, faith. Probably all of the above. Maybe I'm not so good of a student.

I need a latte.