Rules for Interacting with the Rest of Humanity
1. DO NOT, under any circumstances, call a place of business and begin the phone call by saying, "Uh, somebody called me from this number, who was it?" There are several reasons for this: 1) The receptionist is going to answer the phone. The receptionist, as much as s/he hates to admit, is not telepathic, and cannot enter the minds of his/her fellow employees in order to know whom, from the entire office of people, called you. 2) The receptionist does not sit in close proximity to the rest of the employees and cannot quickly yell over the cubicle wall, "Hey, who called Joe Schmuckatelli?!?!" 3) The receptionist IS NOT, under ANY circumstance, going to get up and go around asking people WHO THE HELL CALLED YOU!!
2. Do not make phone calls whilst chewing gum.
3. DO NOT SMOKE CIGARETTES! They make you smell! VERY VERY BADLY!! It makes people want to run away from you, screaming and holding their noses!
4. Do not go to a marriage therapist and expect them to tell you to get a divorce!
5. Do not stop in the middle of an intersection for a red light, procede to have a conversation with your proctologist, and then MISS the fact that the light, for which you are waiting in the middle of the intersection, has now turned green and the poor soul waiting behind you has to honk their horn to make you go forward!
6. When living in Fargo, North Dakota, do not think that you will be able to make the yellow left turn signal light when you are still half a block away from the intersection. This does not work in Fargo, North Dakota, because the vortices of all trafffic lights cross here, thus making the yellow lights shorter than anywhere else in the world.
7. DO EXPECT that when you go through said yellow left turn signal light, and it turns red before you are through the intersection, that you will be charged and honked at vigorously by any driver who now has a green light to cross the intersection, yet cannot cross, except by way of going THROUGH your vehicle, because you are stupid enough to cross said intersection on an old yellow light, in Fargo, North Dakota.
8. If you live in an aparment building, DO NOT play video games with the volume level at 37 at MIDNIGHT!
9. If you live in an aparment building on the second, third, or higher floors, DO NOT walk like you are an elephant across the floor. Do not lift up your refrigerator and slam it onto the floor. Do not drag said refrigerator across said floor, at any time of the day or night. Do not have sex loudly at any time of the day or night. Do not vomit loudly at any time of the day or night. DO realize that your neighbors below you can hear you peeing at any time of the day or night.
10. If you are pulling into a parking spot at Wal Mart, and there is a shopping cart in the way of you being able to fully park, and you get out of your vehicle to move said shopping cart, hitting both your vehicle and the vehicle in front of yours whilst moving said shopping cart, and then get back in your vehicle to park fully, DO NOT LEAVE SAID SHOPPING CART IN THE PARKING LOT! If you took the time to move it out of your way to park, take the extra 1.64 seconds to grab the thing and take it up to the store or to the cart corral!
If any of these rules does not make sense, or you need clarification, this means that you are not allowed to: 1) use the phone, 2) chew chewing gum, 3) smoke cigarettes, 4) get married, 5) drive, 6) drive, 7) drive, 8) live in an apartment building, or anywhere else where other people live, 9) see 8, 10) shop at Wal Mart or drive a vehicle.
Thank you, and good night.
2. Do not make phone calls whilst chewing gum.
3. DO NOT SMOKE CIGARETTES! They make you smell! VERY VERY BADLY!! It makes people want to run away from you, screaming and holding their noses!
4. Do not go to a marriage therapist and expect them to tell you to get a divorce!
5. Do not stop in the middle of an intersection for a red light, procede to have a conversation with your proctologist, and then MISS the fact that the light, for which you are waiting in the middle of the intersection, has now turned green and the poor soul waiting behind you has to honk their horn to make you go forward!
6. When living in Fargo, North Dakota, do not think that you will be able to make the yellow left turn signal light when you are still half a block away from the intersection. This does not work in Fargo, North Dakota, because the vortices of all trafffic lights cross here, thus making the yellow lights shorter than anywhere else in the world.
7. DO EXPECT that when you go through said yellow left turn signal light, and it turns red before you are through the intersection, that you will be charged and honked at vigorously by any driver who now has a green light to cross the intersection, yet cannot cross, except by way of going THROUGH your vehicle, because you are stupid enough to cross said intersection on an old yellow light, in Fargo, North Dakota.
8. If you live in an aparment building, DO NOT play video games with the volume level at 37 at MIDNIGHT!
9. If you live in an aparment building on the second, third, or higher floors, DO NOT walk like you are an elephant across the floor. Do not lift up your refrigerator and slam it onto the floor. Do not drag said refrigerator across said floor, at any time of the day or night. Do not have sex loudly at any time of the day or night. Do not vomit loudly at any time of the day or night. DO realize that your neighbors below you can hear you peeing at any time of the day or night.
10. If you are pulling into a parking spot at Wal Mart, and there is a shopping cart in the way of you being able to fully park, and you get out of your vehicle to move said shopping cart, hitting both your vehicle and the vehicle in front of yours whilst moving said shopping cart, and then get back in your vehicle to park fully, DO NOT LEAVE SAID SHOPPING CART IN THE PARKING LOT! If you took the time to move it out of your way to park, take the extra 1.64 seconds to grab the thing and take it up to the store or to the cart corral!
If any of these rules does not make sense, or you need clarification, this means that you are not allowed to: 1) use the phone, 2) chew chewing gum, 3) smoke cigarettes, 4) get married, 5) drive, 6) drive, 7) drive, 8) live in an apartment building, or anywhere else where other people live, 9) see 8, 10) shop at Wal Mart or drive a vehicle.
Thank you, and good night.
posted by Heather | 8:31 PM
3 Comments:
I approve of the use of the words "Schmuckatelli, whilst, proctologist, and most of all, vortices."
Amen sister! Although, I tihnk i may at some point i nlife been that schmuck... I shall plead the 5th on which rule though...
I 100%ly agree with the "cigarette" one. I had a girl who cut me off (while walking down the sidewalk) today and she practically blew her lung cancer smoke in my face. I started gagging and coughing as loud as I possibly could and poor Christopher had to hear it over the telephone. I hope...never mind.
Post a Comment
<< Home