It wasn't just a suggestion...

Well, I've been experiencing spiritual rot for probably the past 3 years, and especially the past 2 for sure. I "try" to read my Bible, and I do it for a day or two, but then I forget, or I'm too tired, or too lazy (that's more likely the issue). I never pray; at least not the kind of prayer than begets relationship. It's more of the "thank you, give me" prayer, which actually quite disgusts me. I feel like I'm a foul taste in God's mouth, that he wants to spit me out, and that I'm on the tip of his tongue right now, about to be spewed. I don't want to be spewed. Then, on some occasions, I almost do want that. I've begun swearing again. I'm not necessarily of the mind that one can never use cuss words, but it's becoming habit again, and it's just not an attractive habit in which to engage. I even said, "Jesus!" the other day when I was disgusted at something. I couldn't believe that happened.

I've begun wondering if maybe all this stuff call faith is just an irriational human institution, and how could God inseminate a virgin, and did Jesus really do miracles, etc.....

Then, I was just on the phone with my mother, who is totally on fire for the Lord. They've been going to a new church in my hometown, and that pastor is completely devoted to missions. Today apparently he made the statement, "Either you're for Jesus, or you're against Him. Either you go out and make disciples of the world, or you don't. It was a commision, not a suggestion." At first that didn't phase me a whole lot - I mean, yeah, I thought, "Wow, I'm not much of a Christian anymore...wonder if I ever was...." Then, it occurred to me:

I've been trying to make my faith real to me and experience a relationship with God and develop a deep prayer life, and all these things are about ME! That's not what Jesus came to do - he didn't die so that we could sit on our comfy-ass leather sofas, drink mojitos, and talk about how we feel distant from God, so he must be ignoring me. No, damnit, his message was to seek and to save the lost, to go and tell others about him, to make disciples of ALL the world! That's NOT ABOUT ME! We are such selfish creatures. SO SELFISH. It's so disgusting - I hate my selfishness. Hate it. So, why would I be experiencing a deep relationship with God, when I'm not out there, meeting people who need to hear about him, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, being Jesus to the world?! Why?! Why would God ever bless me for sitting in my posh apartment, bemoaning my pathetic spiritual life, when I'm not doing a damn thing for him!?! I've been bamboozled. We all have. The Enemy came and said that it's all about me, and my security and my salvation, not about advancing the kingdom of God. Damn, he's good. Cause isn't that what America is about? Self.

Well, I want no part of that anymore. This isn't just Heather saying,"Oh, I'm going to go volunteer at the soup kitchen tomorrow," yet never call and never do anything. This is a matter of life and death, and it is my opinion that if I'm going to live abundantly and have eternal life with the Father, then I better start acting like I belong to him.

You know how there are stages of the faith life, right? Well, the baby part is where you learn all the good stuff, and feel all the grace, and are on fire (this is my own opinion). But I think I just went through the adolescent part, where I laugh in God's face, and don't talk to him for days or weeks, or tell him what he wants to hear, or act like a moron (like a teenager).

I think I just graduated high school.