Visions of Sugarplums...

It's nearly Thanksgiving, and I'm ready for Christmas. I want to go Christmas shopping, and put up the tree (although we've nowhere to put a Christmas tree in our apartment, even the small tree that we have!) and listen to Christmas music and wrap presents and whatever else goes along with all of that holiday stuff. I do have some of my Christmas shopping done. I try to look for things occasionally throughout the year, but it seems that the in-laws never get things together until close to Thanksgiving time, and then it's like, "Cram all your Christmas shopping into one budget!" Right. Anyway.

This morning Chris and I had our pictures taken for our Christmas cards. I don't think they're the best pictures we've ever had, but they're okay. Chris was in a bad mood, so he wasn't very smiley. And in a couple he actually looked as though he'd been doped! Actually, he often looks like that in pictures. I, on the other hand, love to have my picture taken and would stand in front of a camera all day if given the chance! But, we were able to choose a nice one and order prints from that. The photographer had a cat - the studio was in her home - and I nearly died of allergies from that stinking cat. I haven't had that strong of an allergic reaction in months! I was sneezing all the way home! (They must not vaccuum very often...ewwww....).

I'm going to be embarking on a new adventure. I went back to my regular chiropractor this morning, after trying a different one last week, and he told me we should start with some acupuncture therapies. I'm pretty excited about this, because I'm really loosing faith in the medical world. I'm also tired of taking drugs and suffering from side effects. I figure if an entire nation of people (the Chinese) have been practicing this technique for millenia, there must be something to it. Plus, it's just plain interesting. I think I'll have to go do some research on it.

I'm at work right now, and there's nothing for me to do, hence the post. I guess it's a slow time of year. I'm okay with that. It gives me time to think.

Venti Shaken Iced Green Tea

That's my beverage of choice these days. It's good for me, because it's green tea, and since it's cold, I can sip it all afternoon.

Well, that was interesting.

It's one of those days where I feel like writing, but I'm not sure what to say. There's several things going on in my head that I could write about, but I still can't settle upon one topic.

Chiropractic care
Jobs (includes husband's job)
Anxiety
Obligations
Day dreaming
Coffee
Coping skills for making it through your day when you don't like your job
Barnes & Noble
Being a stay at home mom
Weight Loss
Clients
Life on earth as a human
Purpose and meaning in life

These are the things that are going through my mind as I write today. I can hear my dad right now, "Heather, you take yourself way too seriously!" I think he's right.

And one other thing: I feel like a clown in my outfit today. (I'm wearing magenta pants. I'm not sure why. But, again, this relates to weight loss, as very few of my pants fit me right now, which is why, I suppose, I am wearing the magenta pants.)

I need a hobby. Okay, I knit. That's a hobby. But I don't do it all that often, and half the time my projects don't turn out the way I want them to. So that's not very satisfying. I will occasionally scrapbook. Part of me enjoys this, and part of me thinks it's just one of those things that you're required to do because you're a female. That part of me doesn't want to succumb to the scrapbooking behemoth. The other thing, is that I have nothing to scrapbook right now. For one thing, my digital camera is on the fritz, and frankly, I just want to buy a new one, because I bought this one when they first came out and it was cheap and doesn't have all the features I want. So, I don't have any picture taking capabilities at the moment. Not that I have anything to take pictures of even if I did have a working camera.

I like to bake. But sometimes it makes me crazy, because I don't have a ton of counter space in my kitchen, and when I'm dirtying a lot of dishes, I get overwhelmed very quickly, because I hate doing dishes. So, as of late, I haven't baked much, either (not to mention I'm dieting and baking just destroys my diet). Side note: last night we went to Kevin and Danae's apartment, which is right underneath her sister, Jenna and her husband Michael's apartment. They ordered pizza and someone made chocolate cake with chocolate frosting as well as peanut butter cookies (my fave), and they ordered Papa John's. It was a veritable smorgasbord of high calorie heaven. And I resisted! I said NO! I was so proud of myself. It was very difficult. The cookies were yelling at me.

I do water aerobics once a week, and yoga on Saturday mornings. I do enjoy that a lot. Not sure I would call either a hobby. Speaking of yoga, husband and I were at B&N last week and I was reading a yoga magazine and it had an article concerning simplifying. It took the concept pretty far, saying that our overconsumption in America is ruining the planet and causing war - that our gas guzzling SUV's have something to do with the war in the Middle East. I was inspired by it enough to go home and clean out the storage closet in our apartment. I got rid of 5 grocery bags full of crystal candy dishes, napkin holders, placemats, boxes of stationery and Christmas cards, glass tulips, and a plethora of other strange things that I will never use in my household. It felt wonderful. My friend, Erin, calls that an enema for your house!

On that lovely note, I'll sign off.

Decision Making Time

So, I applied for a different job on Monday. Now, the point of this entry is not the new job, but the thoughts about leaving the old one. I'm not getting my hopes up for this new one, because I don't want to be disappointed if I don't get it. But I do want to be hopeful.

As I go about my everyday life, the thought of seeing clients makes me nervous, anxious, dreadful, and crazy. I've been like this since Day One, September 29th, 2003, in Stillwater, Minnesota, at Family Means in my internship. (Well, okay, the VERY first day I wasn't dreading it -but I was all of the other things.) I survived my internship and thought that once I get out in the "real world" things would get easier. I was told that it's normal to feel anxious and nervous when you're new. So, I put up with it. I worked a couple part time gigs the first year out of school, and really didn't do a whole lot of therapy. But, I dreaded every hour that I did do.

Then I had a bad incident with a job when we moved to Fargo. Hated it. Hated it, hated it, hated it. So I started working where I'm at now, and thought, "I'm finally in my dream job, things will get better." Well, I don't hate it, just like I didn't hate my internship, but, I do dread seeing clients, I'm a big ball of tension every minute I'm with them (I had a huge neck ache when I left last night), and I'm so relieved when they either don't show up or cancel. This is RIDICULOUS! It's absolutely ludicrous. So, basically, things haven't gotten better and I can't live like this anymore.

It's a big disappointment. I thought I was going to be a therapist for the rest of my life, or at least for several years. You know, get licensed, have a practice, help people, be a hero (yeah, I know, being a hero is highly overrated.) Whatever. Because I'm so picky about the populations of people I work with, it's going to take me forever to get licensed, because I don't work full time - not enough clients. At this point, it's very discouraging.

The question I'm asking myself now is, "Is it just that I don't like to work, or is it that I don't like to be a therapist?" Also, "Is it the responsibility that's driving me crazy?"

Now, I go to work every day at the credit services office, and even though it's not my favorite thing, I go and do my work. Not a big deal. However, there's very little responsibility involved. So, no sweat, right?

So, then when I was 23, why was I itching to be promoted to more and more responsible positions at my job in retail? I didn't run from it then. What's the deal? And, I carried out my responsibilities just fine there. However, there was always someone else who was ultimately in charge - the manager - so things never fell directly on my head. Also, that job seemed more like social time and play time than a real job. Maybe it's all in my viewpoint.

So, what happens if I get this job I applied for. There's responsibility in it. Am I going to go running again? And what's the real issue there? That I'm afraid of failing? That I can't handle pressure? That someone's going to get mad at me? I don't know.

I need to figure this out before I venture out into another job. I never had any issues with jobs before I went through grad school. Husband thinks I have committment problems and that it has something to do with the fact that I can't go back to school anymore.

It's all a big pain in the butt.

Large Bowls of Candy

I didn't know what else to title this post, and there happens to be a VERY large bowl of candy sitting on the desk directly in my line of vision. It's distracting. I only ate a half of one yesterday. It was a Crunch bar. Fairly plain. Eh. Then I ate half of a new Reese's Crunch Bar, which was slightly disappointing. The crunch part is very, very similar to Butterfinger, and I was hoping either for little rice thingies, like in the regular Crunch bar, or for wafers. However, it still had peanut butter and chocolate, and you just can't go wrong with that combination. Even my husband, who hates peanuts and peanut butter, and isn't wild about chocolate, eats Reese's PB Cups. Isn't that weird? I'd say it's a conundrum. (Sara, if you're reading this, that word was for you. Hee hee.)

Last night I went to Erin's house and we handed out candy and drank LOVELY homemade hot chocolate that had two different kinds of chillis in it. It was delicious. When I first arrived, it was my job to hand out the candy, but about half an hour in, Erin started coming out with me on the porch to hand out candy. She made the rather interesting observation that people must think we're lesbians! HA! I wonder if they really did...

I made a tasty new smoothie recipe today for lunch. It's a Green Tea Berry Smoothie: you brew 1 1/2 C concentrated green tea (6 tea bags for 1 1/2 C) and let it cool, add 2 C frozen berries (unsweetened), one sliced banana, and 3 T honey. Blend till smooth. It's great - you can really taste the green tea, but you can also really taste the honey, and obviously the berries and banana.

I have a new analogy for life: flushing. I realized, with the help of my hubby, that I had let all the crap from my life build up and it has been getting me down for a long time. It was time to flush. As gross as this analogy is, it's very pertinent, in my belief. Most of us tend to let things from the past build and build, until you're at maximum capacity and can't function anymore. You feel stuck and plugged. So, you need to flush! HA! GROSS!

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent of praiseworthy - think about such things." I think this verse put into practice could do a lot to alleviate a lot of our stress and depression and anxiety.

So, I've been examining expectations a lot lately. After "flushing," I kind of have an "I don't care" mentality. At least today I do. I used to want to save the world. Now, I realize that I can touch people's lives, but that doesn't have to be in any specific way, through any specific medium. And I can be happy with that. I can even be relieved with that. Saving the world is a big burden!

I have aqua aerobics tonight. After gaining approximately 10 pounds since August, I'm not all that fond of donning a bathing suit. However, if I want to lose those 10 pounds, I need to do it and get in the stupid pool. At least, when you're in the pool, nobody can see your pudge jiggling around! There's only like, 2 skinny people in the class, anyway.

Well, this has been a post of randomness. Kind of how I feel today.
Au Revoir.