A fresh view
Well, since I've been railing on about my life's choices and whatnot, I've decided to take a different spin today. I'm sick of thinking about the ways in which my life is not going according to my "plan." (Gee, maybe that's my problem...ya think?!?!) So, I wish to explore what I will call my wanderings of this week.
Due to our current (and past) circumstances, Husband and I are dealing with our relationships with God. Or, actually, maybe we're not dealing with them at all, and that's the problem, but still, it's been a topic of conversation. Husband cannot understand why God seems so distant, why there's no "still small voice" whispering to him in the night, why he can't seem to get any answers. I've been dealing with this for so long myself, that I guess I've started to ignore it and move on with my daily life. I was writing to my mentor today, who is out of town, and made the comment that sometimes it feels as if I don't even have a relationship with God. Or maybe I never have.
What if that were true? What if it's all been a hoax? What if the relationship I've been trying to forge over the past 10 years is nothing but wishful thinking? What the hell does that mean, then? What have I been doing for the past 10 years then, thinking that I'm trying to live my life and make decisions by some supreme authority that I've been searching for direction from ? What if I've used God for my own devices and really never had a true relationship with him? To be honest, that's quite what it feels like right now.
That's a pretty freaky-ass thought. (I feel like swearing, if you haven't noticed.) I do think part of it is the transformation you go through during seminary, and for some reason, once you're out, you're a mess, spiritually speaking. I was/am, anyway.
I'll let you ponder on that for a moment.
Okay, moment's over. On to the next subject: children.
Last night Husband and I went to Husband's brother's house to do some work for him. He was playing with his 10 month old son, who, I must say, is A-DOR-A-BLE. He's crawling now, and can truck it along with the best of 'em. Every time I see this little booger, I feel the pressure to have kids. And it's not really because I WANT children, (I do, and I don't, it's complicated), it's because Husband's brother is 4 years younger than him and they had a child before we did. And for some reason, that bothers me. I know, I know. How petty can I be? Pretty petty. It's obviously not the right time for children, due to our "circumstances," and I'm still not sure I'm ready. It's just weird.
So, it's beautiful in Fargo today. The sun is shining gloriously, I'm wearing my favorite new skirt that is cotton and very flow-y, along with a new orange tank with beading, and I just made my favorite, yummiest homemade granola. Life is good.
However, Husband is still sick. He came home sick from his fishing trip on Sunday, stayed home from work on Monday, and has been back to work, but not back to normal yesterday and today. He's never been sick this long before. I feel bad for him. Thankfully, I haven't gotten sick.
Oh, and the last time I went to the grocery store, they had large containers of blueberries on sale, 2 for $4.98. Yum. There's nothing better than a fresh blueberry.
Due to our current (and past) circumstances, Husband and I are dealing with our relationships with God. Or, actually, maybe we're not dealing with them at all, and that's the problem, but still, it's been a topic of conversation. Husband cannot understand why God seems so distant, why there's no "still small voice" whispering to him in the night, why he can't seem to get any answers. I've been dealing with this for so long myself, that I guess I've started to ignore it and move on with my daily life. I was writing to my mentor today, who is out of town, and made the comment that sometimes it feels as if I don't even have a relationship with God. Or maybe I never have.
What if that were true? What if it's all been a hoax? What if the relationship I've been trying to forge over the past 10 years is nothing but wishful thinking? What the hell does that mean, then? What have I been doing for the past 10 years then, thinking that I'm trying to live my life and make decisions by some supreme authority that I've been searching for direction from ? What if I've used God for my own devices and really never had a true relationship with him? To be honest, that's quite what it feels like right now.
That's a pretty freaky-ass thought. (I feel like swearing, if you haven't noticed.) I do think part of it is the transformation you go through during seminary, and for some reason, once you're out, you're a mess, spiritually speaking. I was/am, anyway.
I'll let you ponder on that for a moment.
Okay, moment's over. On to the next subject: children.
Last night Husband and I went to Husband's brother's house to do some work for him. He was playing with his 10 month old son, who, I must say, is A-DOR-A-BLE. He's crawling now, and can truck it along with the best of 'em. Every time I see this little booger, I feel the pressure to have kids. And it's not really because I WANT children, (I do, and I don't, it's complicated), it's because Husband's brother is 4 years younger than him and they had a child before we did. And for some reason, that bothers me. I know, I know. How petty can I be? Pretty petty. It's obviously not the right time for children, due to our "circumstances," and I'm still not sure I'm ready. It's just weird.
So, it's beautiful in Fargo today. The sun is shining gloriously, I'm wearing my favorite new skirt that is cotton and very flow-y, along with a new orange tank with beading, and I just made my favorite, yummiest homemade granola. Life is good.
However, Husband is still sick. He came home sick from his fishing trip on Sunday, stayed home from work on Monday, and has been back to work, but not back to normal yesterday and today. He's never been sick this long before. I feel bad for him. Thankfully, I haven't gotten sick.
Oh, and the last time I went to the grocery store, they had large containers of blueberries on sale, 2 for $4.98. Yum. There's nothing better than a fresh blueberry.
posted by Heather | 4:12 PM
2 Comments:
Good Lord. That homemade granola is about one of the most heavenly things on earth!!! About your wonderings about Him and whatnot (and you can disregard this if you wish) but I believe every Christian goes through phases (this phase...the silence). Funny, though. When I was reading, my windows media started playing "What If" by Nichole Nordeman. "What if you're right? He was just another nice guy. What if it's true? They say the cross will only make a fool of you. What if he takes his place in history with all the prophets and the kings who taught us love and came in peace, but then the story ends? What then? But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if ther's hope you never dreamed of hoping for? What if you jump and just close your eyes? What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What's if He's more than enough? What if it's love?" I love that song. Point being. I don't think anyone ever is "on fire" for his/her entire life. I believe the phases are a good thing. I believe the questions are a good thing...as long as they're pointed in the right direction. I love you.
It is natural to question your faith now and again. In fact, the Bible encourages us to question everything. I agree with Kiersten that it's fine to question, just stay pointed in the right direction.
I can't really tell from your post- are you questioning God's existance? Your salvation? What exactly are you expecting the relationship with God to look like? What criteria need to be met in order for you to feel you have that relationship?
I know we've had this conversation before, so I won't get too into it. Maybe the "still small voice" isn't God giving you personal revelations. Maybe what you need to take from this is that everything you need is in the Bible- that's what He provided for you. Why is the Bible not enough? It seems to me that your faith/satisfaction in it is based mostly on emotion/feelings. Doesn't it need to be based on something more concrete?
In the Bible, God pulls away and goes close to people. Sometimes He pulls away for a reason- to test you or your faith, to teach you something, etc. What could God be teaching you through this distance? Maybe He's trying to teach you to rely on Him even when you can't tell he's there.
As for answers as to what to do... I believe that the Holy Spirit can lay something on your heart- a people group, a mission, whatever. He gives you passions for things specific to you and gives you gifts specific to you. But for day-to-day things, or even a lot of life choices- there may not be only one option that is in His will. He has told us what he wants of us clearly and repeatedly in the Bible. He gave us brains to think and make decisions. He will use you wherever you are and will open and close doors as needed. Ultimately, His will will be done regaurdless of anything you can do. Pray and read your Bible and try to make the best decisions you can knowing what He has commanded us to do and what is important to Him. Sorry- I'm getting into this again (It's one of my hot-buttons).
As for kids, I think it's sometimes hard to sort out your own desires from the things you are told as you are growing up. Like if you always think you're supposed to grow up and have kids, it can be hard to know if you *want* kids or if you feel like you *should* have kids. I hate that. That is a very hard decision to make. And the thing that sucks is that there is no really easy way to make that decision.
I hope I didn't blabber on too much or that I crossed any lines. You're in a hard stage of life. I know you will get through it, but it won't be easy. As usual, let me know if I can help in any way.
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