Life is a Conundrum
This seems to be the theme of my life. What do I do, where do I go, why did I do this, why didn't I do that? It seems to be an unceasing stream of questions. At what point does one make a decision and say, "This is it. I will do blah and be happy with it and if something different comes up in the meantime, well great!" Apparently I must be at that point right now. I think I'm too much of an idealist. I think I believe that I can have the perfect job and make a ton of money doing it and have a house, a dog, 2.5 children, and a white picket fence. Maybe some people can do that, but that doesn't seem to be the case for me!
It's really hard to be 28 - almost 29 - and be still asking oneself the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Makes me wish I could go back 10 years and start over with the knowledge I have now. But, I can't, so I'll deal with the crap I'm dealt and figure out what the next step is.
I think that expectations have a lot to do with it. Mine are always too high, for some reason. My parents always told me I could do anything I wanted when I was growing up. They failed to tell me that I would need money in the meantime! I mean, seriously, I have a Bachelor's degree in MUSIC. Not music education, not performance, not music therapy...MUSIC. What does that get you? A receptionist job in an engineering firm in Mason City, Iowa. That's what it gets you. And a miserable attitude to boot!
I thought I was making an excellent decision to become a marriage and family therapist, but they don't tell you that you have to have a license to get job, and you have to have a job in order to get licensed! It's a vicious cycle. So, two years out from my graduate work, I still have no license, and truly, no job of any real substance. So, it's time to make some changes.
Stay tuned...changes are coming my way!!!!!!!!!!!
It's really hard to be 28 - almost 29 - and be still asking oneself the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Makes me wish I could go back 10 years and start over with the knowledge I have now. But, I can't, so I'll deal with the crap I'm dealt and figure out what the next step is.
I think that expectations have a lot to do with it. Mine are always too high, for some reason. My parents always told me I could do anything I wanted when I was growing up. They failed to tell me that I would need money in the meantime! I mean, seriously, I have a Bachelor's degree in MUSIC. Not music education, not performance, not music therapy...MUSIC. What does that get you? A receptionist job in an engineering firm in Mason City, Iowa. That's what it gets you. And a miserable attitude to boot!
I thought I was making an excellent decision to become a marriage and family therapist, but they don't tell you that you have to have a license to get job, and you have to have a job in order to get licensed! It's a vicious cycle. So, two years out from my graduate work, I still have no license, and truly, no job of any real substance. So, it's time to make some changes.
Stay tuned...changes are coming my way!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Heather | 7:43 AM
11 Comments:
are you honest with yourself about what you truly desire? and if you are, are you honest about why you desire it?
i am absolutely willing to discuss it. where does the therapist go to get counseling? i offer services free of charge.
let me say shortly that i understand your dilemma completely. it is one i am finally, FINALLY coming out of. i finally feel as if my life has options in front of it that not only appeal to my heart, but they bring me real joy and excitement at thinking about pouring all of my hard work into them. because i am a damn gifted individual. i recognize this. and i want these gifts employed in TRUE kingdom work.
"unless the lord builds the house."
which is why honesty and openness are so important. it is the spirit of truth we are dealing with here. and if we don't start by being honest with ourselves, we can't be honest with anyone else. because our native tongue becomes lies and it's all we can understand.
have you ever noticed how, when people talk to each other, they are always looking for the sinister underbelly in what the other person is saying? why? because they know that they themselves hardly ever say what they truly mean. so why not this person?
if you REALLY want to talk about this, you have to promise to be completely and vulnerably honest. with yourself first, and me here as well. if you're willing to do that, then i would LOVE to talk this through with you. i ask really good questions. and isn't that what therapy is about? teaching people how to ask good questions of themselves that will lead them down the paths of healing?
Okay, so ask me some "really great questions!" I'm always willing to be honest with myself and others. I'm curious what you have to say. Plus, I feel like I'm a "damn gifted individual" as well, and don't really want to waste my talents, either. Where should I start?
understanding that you are gifted is not the same as being conceited. simply a recognition that you have responsibility with what has been given to you. don't know why i felt i should share, but there it is.
first question i have for you to reflect on for a spell is not my own. it comes from an exceptional movie called "i (heart) huckabees". so ask yourself this...
HOW AM I NOT MYSELF?
meaning... are there ways in which you act out everyday that are common or habitual in which you are not being who you truly are on the inside? are there lies you live out every day? things you live out that you believe other people want from you or that other people have told you are the "right things" but truthfully, and honestly, deep down in your heart you do not believe in them? so that your whole life becomes a lie of pleasing others and stifling your own heart that is inside of you screaming from being locked in captivity? are there layers of "other people's dreams for you" that you are chasing because you feel like you "should" to make the world happy with you? do you feel these things? and if you do, are you willing to be honest with yourself about the inconsistancies bewtween what your heart really tells you and what other people tell you no matter how unpopular they may make you with people who are close to you?
so ask yourself again...
HOW AM I NOT MYSELF?
Okay, Jon-o, I've thought and thought and thought, and I've been honest with myself, and the only instance where I KNOW without a doubt that I am not myself is when I'm with my inlaws (especially my mother in law). And that has nothing to do with my vocational endeavors. I've never been a person who wants to please other people when it comes to my dreams and ambitions. I've never even cared about pleasing my parents, because, to be honest, I could have shaved my head, painted my body lavendar, decided to pierce my nipples, and my parents still would have been proud of me and would have told me so all the time.
The only other thought that comes to mind is that I often refrain from confronting people because I'm afraid they won't like me if I do that, but that really doesn't have much to do with my vocational endeavors, either, except that I think it's funny that I'm a therapist, because confrontation is hard for me! Therapists have to confront all the time. I guess when I'm wearing that hat, it's a little bit easier.
I'm not your normal person when it comes to this stuff, Jon. I remember my high school instrumental band instructor talking to my college french horn professor and them saying something like, "Yeah, have you noticed that if Heather doesn't want to do something, there's nothing you can do to make her do it?" I don't think I'm quite that bad anymore, but, honestly, I've come up pretty blank on this one.
I will explain why I feel so unlike myself when I'm around my inlaws. Maybe that will shed some light on the subject: My mother in law talks incessantly. She talks when other people are talking and no one is listening to her. Basically we get a running commentary of her inner thought life at all times. And this is not normal conversation, mind you - it's all in story form. It's stories about people I've never heard of before, or it's stories about people who are dead. Or it's stories about people at her church, or wherever, but it's always, always a story. And, I'm sorry, but it is impossible to have a normal conversation with that as your medium. I try to change the subject and talk about current events, or what's going on in my life, or whatnon, but somehow that always reminds her of a story. My father in law says very little. So, I feel she does not even care to get to know me, as she rarely asks about my life, or our life. That is why I feel I cannot be myself around her - I have no idea what to say or do!
Okay, so there's that. Got any better questions?
:)
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what about religion? because that's what i'm really getting at here. from the sounds of your most recent post, you're at the point. you're on the cliff's edge. you want to jump off, just to see what will happen. but everyone your whole life has told you not to. and how dangerous it can be. and they make up all sorts of stories to keep you from jumping off. and they tell you stories about monsters and whatnot. because as long as your feet are on the ground on their land, they own you. and they don't want to let you go.
turns out that if you jump, you can actually fly. that's what they don't want you to find out. you can fly. and when you're no longer on their land, they can't control you anymore. and you can actually hear god speak. and he keeps you afloat.
sorry. it's late and i'm in the mood to blog. and i will proceed under the assumption that in printing these things in the public forum, you're inviting discussion.
i had one of the most startling moments of my life last july. i was watching a documentary on the history channel about satan. it dealt with the development of thought about satan over the history of humankind. towards the end of this special, they had an interview with anton levey, one of the most important and influential members of the satanic church.
i agreed with everything that he said. all except the satan worship part. and i couldn't deny it. it didn't matter if i tried to say i didn't believe it. it was there and i had acknowledged it. NOT acknowledging it doesn't actually make it not there, it just keeps us ignorant of its presence.
and something snapped.
i suddenly wasn't afraid to listen to other people's ideas anymore. no matter who that person was. and actually LISTEN to what they have to say and BELIEVE that they might have something genuine and true to offer me.
because the really funny thing is, the satanists are looking for and worshiping the true god of heaven. they just don't know it. from what he was saying, he based his church on the christian church, they just did everything the opposite. which is why they worship satan. even though, in truth, they're not. they just knew that they could not stomach the atrocities they were witnessing happen in the christian church. so they went outside of it in search of something TRUE.
can you HEAR that? can you accept that? these people are seeking out the TRUE god, and so they are worshipping "satan" because he seems a lees horrible figure than God according to how God is being presented in many churches across the nation!!!!
someone needs to let them know that they are worshiping the true god and they can be comfortable in that because they need not be "christians." simply servants of the invisible one. the OTHER. for that is what it truly is. OTHER. and it can not be contained by us.
i hit this point you are at about 7-8 months ago. i mean, i had recognized it for a long time, but i wasn't willing to be honest with myself that this is how i actually felt in my heart. that i thought the whole thing, the whole "christian church" thing was a hoax. a lie. as trent reznor of nine inch nails has called it, a "pretty hate machine." because in all honesty, as much good as people in churches try to do, the SYSTEM itself, does a lot of damage to people. and that just smells a little rotten to me. and anytime i asked about these things, "well, you just need to understand..." was the beginning of every too well thought out response that was no more than an elaborate excuse for allowing these horrible things to continue to fester in the house of god.
here's the thing about seminary.... doctrine is a gag in the mouth of god. because if god tries to tell us ANYTHING that is coming from outside of our official doctrine, we don't even listen to it. we won't even consider it. because doctrine is what we measure all of our truth by and not the plain scriptures. and the tragic part is that doctrine is nothing more than man's opinion about god's word. it is not god's word itself.
you've heard me say that part before. but in not hearing god or having a relationship with him... it's dicy. yes, my relationship with him is much stronger now than it has ever been as he is all that i truly have to rely on any more. and in a place of utter dependence on his providence and guiding, you LEARN how to hear. as long as you'll listen to whatever he tells you and obey.
because after having studied so much doctrine about "god's character", if you do finally have a child, and immediately god asks you to kill it as a still small voice within you, you probably won't pay attention or even give it a second thought. and if you DO give it a second thought, it will be to rationalize by using doctrine, how this could not possibly be god speaking to you, and so you don't obey. and you may even go farther and say that only demons would talk like that. so it must be a demon speaking. and now, by following doctrine, you have committed the only unforgivable sin and made a little more sure that you will fight off "that spirit" when it comes to you again and almost assuredly won't obey it.
at least that's how it was for me.
when i first came to know god, i had no other frame of reference for relating to him other than the christian church. and i'm not trying to say anything bad about my family or any of the other wonderful christians i have known in my life. but the system itself. the impersonal system. the church system of operating that has formed... something is wrong with it. it is not functioning properly. it kills, steals, and destroys far more than it redeems. it seems to me as if there is a ghost in the machine.
and that is my journey now. to find the ghost in the machine. first in my own life, so that i may see clearly to THEN help others remove their specks.
several have gone down this path ahead of us and the further down it i go, the more voices join in the chorus. as soon as i can "hear" them. and it is a beautiful song. i just heard god speak through the mouth of maynard james keenan, the frontband for a band named "tool" and i almost shit myself. and i cursed myslef for a fool that i had never heard him before. the same for nine inch nails, pearl jam, smashing pumpkins, green day, talking heads, and so many others. and movies, wirters, directors, artists of all sorts. comedians who are actually prophets...
god is speaking from everywhere all the time. we're just not taught how to listen to him.
we're taught how to listen to human leaders tell us what god is saying. and then we learn how not to question those humans. because that would be like questioning god. which is bullshit. but that's how things are.
i know you, heather. you know me. we have hearts that desire truth in the inmost parts more than anything. we have been chasing it and we have not stopped yet. if you had, you wouldn't be talking to me right now.
god is faithful. those who hunger will be filled. and if you're willing to listen, truth is going to ask you to come outside. to stop staying inside. because the work is outside. and the master is as happy to have you join the harvest as you are of being put to work.
this is a spirit we serve. not a book. he has given us the book to teach us to hear him. but at some point, it's time to take off the training wheels. at some point, it's time to jump.
so here's the question. are you willing to accept truth no matter where you may find it? even if it questions basic and fundamental doctrine of the "christian faith"?
because that will certainly send you off into what kiersten would call "the wrong direction."
but maybe the wrong direction is actually the right direction. because i tried the "right direction" for fucking 30 years. and all it left me was destitute and used up. depressed and at the edge of a nervous breakdown.
somehow i can't believe that this is the plan the god of the bible had for the unleashing of his spirit into the world. or that it is even this same god behind such deplorable things and results.
hey, i could be wrong.
but i could also be right.
and for once, i am actually willing to say i'm willing to stake my eternal destiny on it.
and even die for it.
can you say those things about your faith?
if you wish to continue, i will keep it here, under this post. in the blog world, if it's days old, it doesn't exist anymore to your average reader. and i know that this may not be a conversation you would want to have out in the open right away. especially if you are really thinking about embracing any of it.
"For I have come to turn ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’ Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me."Mt 10:35-38
another reason i thought about a face to face. i would love to meet chris. MEET meet him. i mean, we met in passing at the wedding. but he never got to sit in the luchroom and listen to me ramble.
ya know?
much love to your family. not just tonight, but in the near future. may you soften to one another and be a salve to each other's wounded heart. as eddie vedder from pearl jam said one time, "bandaged hand in hand."
Hi Jon,
Sorry I haven't replied for a few days. I guess I've just been thinking for a while.
Thank you for your prayers for me and Chris. We really appreciate that.
I'm not sure what to say concerning your last post. I guess I'm having a hard time jumping on your band wagon (so to speak) at this point. There are points of which I feel we share similarities, but others which we don't.
I'll be in town on Friday. Want to have coffee? Oh - wait, you work a million hours over the weekends, don't you? Shoot. Well, I'm available Friday night if you happen to have a free moment!
H
not a bandwagon, really. just a pastor's kid with a lot of issues and not enough money for therapy!;)
all in all, i just recognize that i am different. i have been different my whole life, and i am recognizing now that my differentness is not a choice, but who i have been made to be.
and now i am asking questions about god and who he is and how he works. many of the answers i was given just have never been able to capture the entirety of everything for me. they are fine enough if you are willing to fit inside the mold the answers create, but some people, at the core of their being, just don't fit.
and as i seek to understand these people more, instead of write them off as "rebellious" and "sinners" i learn more about myself and who god really is.
not that i was actually referring satanism to you or anything! just that, in drawing nearer to "freaks" and the like whom i have been "warned" about, i find people often with more tender hearts and love for everyone than i often find inside of the walls of the places where god's love is supposed to reign supreme. and that confuses the fuck out of me. that's all. so i simply look for people who can talk through bits of this with me for a time in sincerety and not simply dismissing these issues. i am glad you were willing to do it for a while. i really am. i really REALLY appreciate it. more than you know. but i also know just how intense and WAY out there this thing goes and just how world upheaving and heart wrenching it is as well. and if you got caught in that kind of cross fire, i am sorry. never my intention to upheave your world.
just trying to figure out my place in this calling. for some reason i have been given an amazing conscience to walk among people i have been told to stay away from. (as if god would ever want that!) and i also have been given the ability to pierce their hearts and communicate with them in such a way that they open up. trouble comes in that so many of them have been rejected and hurt by the church in various ways and cannot hear anything traditional in terms of "jesus is the answer." and yet, jesus IS the answer. how do i let them know that without turning them in the opposite direction? so i'm trying to find out the roots of what is man's religion and what is god so i know what i am really supposed to be communicating to these young people. and we're talking about sifting through 2000 years of man made extrapolations here. a painful and sometimes torturous process at best. but even one of these young people is worth alienating myself from all of my family and friends for this. because if i can bring just ONE person with me, i hope that in eternity, when none of this shit matters anymore, we can all sit aruond and enjoy one another. my family, my church friends, and these young people who needed something else...
how late do you stay up? i am usually done with work around 11pm or 12am. i assume that is too late as it is for most people. but if you're in the mood for a little late night spontenaity... i would certainly love to chat. we could drink decaf? (my god... what am i saying!!!!!)
damn. i did it again. honestly, i never set out to write this much. i just love sharing my heart with people, and sometimes it's hard to stop.
much love to you and chris and the exciting town that is fargo. close to moorhead. which always made me wonder how the cheerleaders in moorhead felt having to stand there and chant the name of their town over and over again.
i'm sick, i know. just like this woman i know who posted a link to a website of crocheted vulvas.
Hee hee...
Well, yes, even though I am still awake 99% of evenings at midnight, I will be at my friend's house in Blaine, and I don't think coming in and out of their house in the wee hours of the morning is probably the best idea. Maybe next time!?
I, too, have enjoyed our discussion. I do hope we can continue to discuss something in the near future. Or, actually, I had this thought: why not tell me more about your heart for the "undesireables" and how you reach out to them. As you've spoken about this, I've had my own heart awaken to the plight of the unsaved, and how the usually come in the "undesireable" package. I feel just by sharing your heart with me, you have opened mine up to being a better lover of people. If that makes sense.
So, what PJ's are you at now? Are you manager?
Later, tater.
H
yes, it does make sense. if nothing else, this strange and albeit certainly heretical line of thought has opened my heart to love everyone more. and with that as it's end result, i simlpy cannot walk away from it. if this helps me to be more of who god wants me to be, then christian doctrine and traditions can be damned as far as i'm concerned. not to sound overly hostile or anything, but that's where i'm at right now.
i am at PJ's as a driver in woodbury. i stoped managing last october when i nearly had a nervous breakdown after realizing i had become a monster and didn't even know myself and that's what started this whole thing. :)
good to chat with you too. thanks for being an ear if not a voice.
much love.
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