More, please!
I want more.
Not necessarily more material things, like pencils, or toothbrushes. But more....um...well, LIFE.
I want more life. Damnit.
Damnit.
Damnit.
Damnit.
I KNOW there's more to this life than what I'm living right now, and it's pissing me off.
The funny thing is that when I try to go out and get more, it's never there. It's like life disappears when I go after it. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Part of the problem is that I have to go about finding more life all by myself. Husband is too depressed and despondent to do anything more than work and sit on the couch.
I hate this.
Then, when I counsel couples on improving their relationships, I often point to the fact that if you're not happy with your spouse, you need to change yourself. My immediate thought is that I don't want to be despondent and sit on the couch all night long.
I also feel very vulnerable even stating these things, because I AM a marriage counselor, and I can't figure my own marriage out half the time. What the heck is that all about? Perspective, I suppose.
I was sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Fargo this afternoon, watching people coming in and out, and there were some that I kind of envied. For example, this one "couple" came in, on their afternoon break from work, I suspect. The guy got a Coke with a glass of ice, and the girl got a Diet Coke with a glass of ice (which was what I was drinking...fine taste she has...) and they sat down at the table next to mine and just talked for a half hour. I supposed they worked together and were friends. That was the idea I got. I don't think they were romantically involved. But, they may have been. Anyway, they had the aroma of business and success and climbing ladders, and such.
Those are things that I get hung up on when I'm in a worldly mindset. I've always been very, very career oriented, ever since junior high. And I feel like that's my biggest struggle in life, too. Anyway, I felt like they had a bit of life to them. More than myself, anyway. I imagined myself being the girl (she was also thin, toned, and cute, to boot) and if I would feel fulfilled as her. Well, of course the answer is yes, because I don't know anything about her emptiness, her struggles, her ability to get drunk every Friday night and sleep with the guy from the bar, and how she wakes up on Saturday morning hung over and feeling more empty than she did the night before. Okay, well, maybe not. But anyway, everyone's got their struggles, I know. It's just that some seem to be easier than others. Or so it seems.
We received a phone call from a guy who is an investment broker. Apparently brother-in-law and sister-in-law gave him our name after meeting with him themselves last week. I told him that we don't have a red cent to invest in anything right now, although we would like to in the future, if my god-damned job ever takes off. (Yikes! I detect a bit of frustration!) So, he's coming over to our house on Wednesday night to talk about IRA's and life insurance, and whatnot. I've done this before and really feel fairly knowledgable when it comes to these things. But, when you don't have the money to do it with, it doesn't matter how much you know. Not sure where I was going with this. But it's just another nail in the coffin of dissatisfaction, I guess. Or maybe unmet expectations are the better word.
I think I'm angry.
I have a client coming in 27 minutes.
I do my best therapy when I'm mad.
This is good.
Not necessarily more material things, like pencils, or toothbrushes. But more....um...well, LIFE.
I want more life. Damnit.
Damnit.
Damnit.
Damnit.
I KNOW there's more to this life than what I'm living right now, and it's pissing me off.
The funny thing is that when I try to go out and get more, it's never there. It's like life disappears when I go after it. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Part of the problem is that I have to go about finding more life all by myself. Husband is too depressed and despondent to do anything more than work and sit on the couch.
I hate this.
Then, when I counsel couples on improving their relationships, I often point to the fact that if you're not happy with your spouse, you need to change yourself. My immediate thought is that I don't want to be despondent and sit on the couch all night long.
I also feel very vulnerable even stating these things, because I AM a marriage counselor, and I can't figure my own marriage out half the time. What the heck is that all about? Perspective, I suppose.
I was sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Fargo this afternoon, watching people coming in and out, and there were some that I kind of envied. For example, this one "couple" came in, on their afternoon break from work, I suspect. The guy got a Coke with a glass of ice, and the girl got a Diet Coke with a glass of ice (which was what I was drinking...fine taste she has...) and they sat down at the table next to mine and just talked for a half hour. I supposed they worked together and were friends. That was the idea I got. I don't think they were romantically involved. But, they may have been. Anyway, they had the aroma of business and success and climbing ladders, and such.
Those are things that I get hung up on when I'm in a worldly mindset. I've always been very, very career oriented, ever since junior high. And I feel like that's my biggest struggle in life, too. Anyway, I felt like they had a bit of life to them. More than myself, anyway. I imagined myself being the girl (she was also thin, toned, and cute, to boot) and if I would feel fulfilled as her. Well, of course the answer is yes, because I don't know anything about her emptiness, her struggles, her ability to get drunk every Friday night and sleep with the guy from the bar, and how she wakes up on Saturday morning hung over and feeling more empty than she did the night before. Okay, well, maybe not. But anyway, everyone's got their struggles, I know. It's just that some seem to be easier than others. Or so it seems.
We received a phone call from a guy who is an investment broker. Apparently brother-in-law and sister-in-law gave him our name after meeting with him themselves last week. I told him that we don't have a red cent to invest in anything right now, although we would like to in the future, if my god-damned job ever takes off. (Yikes! I detect a bit of frustration!) So, he's coming over to our house on Wednesday night to talk about IRA's and life insurance, and whatnot. I've done this before and really feel fairly knowledgable when it comes to these things. But, when you don't have the money to do it with, it doesn't matter how much you know. Not sure where I was going with this. But it's just another nail in the coffin of dissatisfaction, I guess. Or maybe unmet expectations are the better word.
I think I'm angry.
I have a client coming in 27 minutes.
I do my best therapy when I'm mad.
This is good.
posted by Heather | 2:20 PM
5 Comments:
loved it. haven't been here for a while, but it's nice to see such a raw and honest post waiting for me when i do.
"people seem to fall into one of two categories. suffering from either a lack of life or an overabundance of life. i find myself in the latter of the two categories." -waking life
life is outside the walls. the matrix exists.
"a prison for your mind..."-morpheus
you and i have called it the code.
living and pleasing the code will leave your heart screaming if it is not what you were meant to do. it's a hard thing to admit if you encounter it in your own heart. but some people have to, at one point or another, be honest that their joy lies outside the things that those closest to them can accept. some people accept it and embrace it and lead lives filled with joy and light. some people continue to deny and live the lie.
as if there were some points for aligning yourself to things you don't believe from the heart.
so ask yourself this. (and please don't answer this here unless you feel lead) as you look across the sea of faces and people and cultures and practices in this great world of ours, who are the people that YOU most want to be identified with forever? really. with no one else around to judge your thoughts, who truly comes to mind as people you are comfortable around and want to be like and with forever?
and what hard decisions do you need to make in order to keep or change your course as soon as you know the answer?
honesty at all costs.
with love.
Well, my friend, you've made me think.
I guess when I wrote the post, I was thinking about life more in terms of being more social, getting involved in the community, taking swing dancing lessons, I don't know! And to be honest, I don't have the foggiest notion what type of people I want to involve myself with. It used to be married people - I wanted to help people have good marriages. Now I'm not so sure anymore.
I guess I'm not sure the code plays into what I was thinking, to be honest. But I'll think on it.
What's the Waking Life (book, I assume) you quoted?
waking life is an absolutely fabulous movie! a very interesting project from writer/director richard linklater. when he did it, it was groundbreaking. he filmed the whole movie on digital film. then downloaded the whole tihng onto computer and proceed to "paint" over every frame of the movie. so you get a sort of "living cartoon" feel almost when you watch it. if you DO check it out, understand it's a lot more like reading philosophy than it is watching a regular hollywood movie.
sorry if i wasn't clear enough. the code. not necessarily the "moral code" that you and i have spoken about in regards to religion. rather, in the broader sense, "the code" is whatever set of rules or options exist in any given situation in life as being "acceptable" or "reasonable" choices to make. and what i'm saying is that this code, in WHATEVER situation in life you encounter it, of "right" or "proper" choices limits the amount of infinite choices or actual freedom we can experience. and many people in this world, myself included, need things outside of these man made boundaries to find true joy and love and life.
i thought perhaps you may be stuck in one of these conundrums and was trying to offer you courage and conviction and inspiration to follow after whatever it is that your heart is truly screaming for. and be honest with yourself about what things in this world are ACTUALLY holding you back from tapping into the amazing life that is available to us every day.
i live my life so FULL now that there is no going back or mistaking what i have found.
i can stop identifying with bono now. i HAVE found what i'm looking for. finally. after all these years. this weary and heavy laden boy has found rest.
and IT IS everything you've ever heard IT IS.
sorry.
which would include things like swing dancing lessons or whatever you find that brings you joy and encourages you to share who you are freely with other people.
because if christ is living in you, when you share yourself, no matter what you're doing, you're sharing christ.
Thank you, Jesus. Yes. You've just completely convinced me that I do not have to have an ALTRUISTIC JOB in order to have an ALTRUISTIC LIFE. Dammit.
Do you know what I really want, Jon? What I really want more than anything in this world? (Well, okay, there's a few things I want more than this, but just go with me on this) TO PAY OFF MY DEBT. AND, that requires a job that pays me more than I am making now. BUT! I don't want to get caught up in a job that pays a lot, but is not fulfilling. When I became a Christian, I began to think that I had to do something for people as my job, when NOW (now that I have the $45,000 degree and letters after my name, which I DO love, to be honest) now, I feel like I'd be a much, much better lay minister than a Christian counselor. Lay minister in the sense that I volunteer or see a few clients one night a week, or become a "Big Sister" for a little girl who needs one or whatever. And, to be honest, taking this job at Starbucks is something I TOTALLY want to do, so that I can connect with the college kids there and maybe have an impact on their lives! I'm so stoked for this, Jon. So, what I'm saying, is that I want to live a life free of debt, and a life showing others that Jesus is cool and that I can be an awesome person and be a Christian at the same time, and I want to talk about life with kids. All kinds of kids. I want to have a positive impact on the people around me. And, it seems that I can have MORE of an impact if I'm not a Christian counselor. Because to be honest, Christians don't really listen. I feel like I have some pretty good ideas and wisdom, and I try to share this with people, and they don't listen. They do what they want anyway, and to be honest, I'd rather be NOT depending on this when my salary is also depending on it.
I want an overabundance of life.
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